Looking Forward Behind Me

I know.. that title almost doesn't make sense. Just go with it.

I'm actually looking forward to this new year. Fresh starts always motivate one to look out with their eyes wide open and really think about what they want to do.

I've been compiling a list... not so much a "bucket list" (as I have been corrected) and not so much a "Punch list" (because I don't think I can take the "definiteness" .. oh my goodness, that's a word!). "Hit List" isn't quite what I want. "Honey Do List" won't work because I'll be the one fulfilling the list.

Anywho, but what's a list worth without commitment... so I've lovingly titled it my "Squash List". A list that you are committed to accomplishing within a certain amount of time. (mine being for 2014)

Why the name? I don't know.. it's best not to ask questions. You know, squash is a vegetable that is very good for you. Very versatile.

 I encourage you to make a Squash List. Figure out your short term goals. What's something you dreamed of trying and just haven't done yet? What's something practical you can do to your house, your yard, your time, for your children, for your spouse? for yourself? ... the list could go on.

I got this in the mail, with my name on it, the other day. I thought it was funny because:
1. I've never ever smoked one cigarette in my whole life
2. I had already been equivelating my cussing habit to smoking cigarettes. In my anger and depression, I have let my mouth slide. It was such a quick forming habit, like cigarettes and now it's hard to break. My son may or may not have said a few choice words, where as my husband was able to give me the evil eye in accusation... to which his accusation was true. ((sigh))... It's on my Squash List.

Looking back at my year in 2013 I find it interesting to observe that this time last year, I was not pregnant, nor did I want to be or plan to be.... and now I have a beautiful little infant daughter in my arms.

This time last year, we were going through financial issues... now... we are there again... it's on my Squash List.

This time last year, I was very depressed, still dealing with my anger over the previous year... Now? I'm healing. I'm doing better, and I plan to continue healing and using my experience for good.

Good things happened this last year too, (along with having our 6th baby) like our 10 year Anniversary, we got to spend some awesome time together, and everyone survived my pregnancy!

I'm looking forward to creating my Squash List, looking back at where I was, and looking forward to where I want to be, things I want to try or accomplish.

Fresh starts are like fresh air. Take a deep breath.

Squash.

3 Years Post-Op Checkup

Last Friday, we went to the University of Iowa Hospital for Tesh's 3 year post op appointment. Nerves struck me as the time grew closer to find out if her head was still good or if she'd have to have another head surgery.

For those that don't know, Tesh was diagnosed with Sagittal Synostosis at 2 months old, a fusion of the cranial sutures. This abnormally early fusion happens typically in utero, so she was born this way, it just took us 2 months to figure it out. Other parents/doctors have waited years to figure it out, so we are blessed to have the doctors that we have.

So on the way to the hospital, I'm preparing my 4 year old for this appt. knowing that she practically hates most, if not all, strangers and we were about to encounter many strangers. As we would arrive to places, she kept the mantra up, "I don't want to go to the doctor!"

After the eventful xray was taken, where 3 people had to hold her down in order to get "I guess that will work" shots of her head, each stranger seemed a little less abrasive. Of course, it involved me taking my temperature in front of her and so forth.

The appointment went well. The xrays looked good and by the time we saw Dr. M (her neurosurgeon), she was ready to be a little more cooperative. Phew!

Clean bill of health! I was relieved! Dr. M explained how her skull was healing, that it was "fingering" back together, but that was ok.

Tesh was skipping as we left the doctors office, finally getting the permission to "go back home!"

Thank you God for Your mercy!

Me trying to calm her fears. 

All done! We get to go back home!

Tesh thought is was funny that the picture had no hair.
You can see the top where it's darkened, meaning there's still that "gel" and not hard fused bone. 

The mass above her head would be the tech's hand, holding her head...
but right underneath his hand you can see certain white spots. That's where the "fingering" healing is happening.

Daddy, Mommy, and Tesh 3 years ago... Pre surgery

All of us now! 3 years Post Op!
Wow... I haven't changed a bit! My husband sure has though... :) 

Today Marks 7 Years

I was up at 4am.

As I nursed Ruth I couldn't help but go back to all the memories of "that" morning... 7 years ago, today.

Sarah was stuck on her 4am feeding. I was trying to get her unstuck by letting her go back to sleep when she awoke at that time. She had gone several days without waking for that 4am feeding finally, but that morning... I'll never forget. She woke up at that 4am time, fussed a little and then went back to sleep. She didn't wake up again til 8am. (which was her normal morning feeding time) The last time I nursed her was at 11am when we arrived at Mom's house.

As I went through the days events, I laid there so early this morning, gladly, almost smiling over the fact that Ruth woke up at 4am to nurse. Of course, tears fell. But it was like I was able to do the thing I wished I had done that day. Once more. Last baby. Getting through this time, what a way to start the day.

It's been a mix of emotions because on one hand, I want to give myself up to it and just bawl my eyes out. But then on the other hand, I want to be numb to it. Hold it together and just get through. I'm not ashamed of my tears, I'm exhausted of my tears.

What do we do on days like today?

Whatever we want.

We work on whatever project we want to. We'll relax whenever we want. We basically let our hearts lead in the process. If we feel like doing something in particular we'll do it. I don't like running into people, so we'll steer clear of certain places.

Just trying to enjoy the blessings I have. A husband that loves me so much and 5 other children to take care of.

ALL my babies... Tesh, not so thrilled... 

Triggers

Like a snake, lurking around the corner waiting to attack, so is my apprehension about the coming week.

Every year it never fails, always pales... Christmas.

The garland I hung in October is already looking like clutter to me... 12 days before the holiday it celebrates.

Without thinking, my husband tells me, "maybe on the 17th we can bake cookies and have some family time."

...bake cookies... on the 17th...

That's what I was doing. That day. 7 years ago. When she slipped away from me, so silently.

The natural stresses of the holiday make it worse. The hustle and bustle was never my thing. And my grieving heart simply wants to be alone in calm.

Anything extra added to the plate, only feels that much more overwhelming.

Overwhelmed, I am.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

I saw a post on facebook today that said, "Healing rain.... wash over me!!"

That voice is not alone. Made me think of a song I clung to during those raw moments. It's one I still run to in times like this. As I listen to the words and the music, I can see myself lying down. Floating in calm waters underneath gloomy grey skies. My hair all spread out like a crown. I can feel the cool water underneath me and then slowly, drops of rain kiss my face.

I will be alright. Just having a bad day.



Side note: (for those who are wondering)
Ruth is doing well. She'll still nurse, even though I have to give her bottles also. I embrace that as my blessing.