On February 10th of 2007, almost 2 months after Sarah died, we found out we were pregnant again. I remember pleading with God, to make me pregnant again, so I had hope that my hands would be full, once again. Not to replace Sarah, but to fill my hands. My husband and I do not get pregnant THAT easily, so when I saw that positive test, I was surprised and relieved. It helped me to breathe a little easier, knowing that another bundle is coming. But, of course, it brought on a new wave of emotions that I don't think anyone is ever ready for when you've gone through losing a baby. I remember, it had been 10 weeks after Sarah died, that the medical examiner called and told me that officially, her case was being closed and the death certificate was ready for pick-up. Those 10 weeks were the longest 10 weeks. I remember having guilt, did I do something wrong? Did I actually do something, that resulted in my baby's death? Was it the hemangiomas? Did I neglect something? or Did I not do anything at all, it was just the way it was supposed to happen for her? Not knowing, drove me crazy.She said... " sudden unexplainable infant death" SIDS! I knew that there was a big possibility that it would result to that, but to hear it. It definitely vindicated that I didn't actually do or necessarily neglect anything, but SIDS, in and of itself, is a big question. There are all these ideas and theory, but none of them hold water. I'm not sure God wants us to know. I think mainly because, at this point, it doesn't matter. It makes no difference. Knowing the how, does not reverse the what, and both produce the why, which is essential to healing. My only peace was knowing that God had the why. The why does not just come to you, you have to seek it out, just like you have to seek God. We had lots of why's cause we were looking for them.
This is a page from the scrap book that I put together within several weeks after Sarah's death. Scrap booking was very healing, it was one way to honor her life. I have pictures, sayings, verses, memories... whatever I wanted. I still look at it today, and think, "how in the world..."(click on the picture and you can see it bigger and clearer)
When I got that call about the officiality of it being SIDS, I was so distraught. I was alone at home, not able to breathe. I cried so hard, because I felt that even though it was final, it wasn't. It's hard for anyone to accept an unexplainable death. What do you embrace? I started spotting later that day, and Josh came home and we went to the hospital to do an ultrasound to make sure everything was alright. Our #3 was fine, and I learned very quickly that my out-of-control emotions were going to effect my body, and this pregnancy. My tears never stopped that day, but the Doctor that evaluated my ultrasound was a good christian woman, that poured her love out to us that day. We were able to, once again, share our story.
Why # 29 ..... by that day....
We found out later that it was a girl, and came upon the name Eve. For new beginnings. She represented us moving forward , breathing a fresh way, with our rekindled source.
Hosea 11:8b " All My compassions are kindled..." we are the candle He uses, to shine His light.
