Remembering My First Home Birth

photo by Kaitlin Wessman Photography

All the research, all the preparations, and all the trust was coming into fruition. I had all these fears and hopes, trials and triumphs, doubt and trust all wrapped into one big ball that rolled along as the time passed that would bring this baby into my arms. 

I had 3 normal (vaginal) deliveries at the hospital. My 4th needed to be c-sectioned. So I was preparing for my 5th child. With the c-section rates at an all time high these days and trigger happy obstetricians, the hospital terrified me. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle any bullying from an OB at such a critical point of my baby's birth, as if I didn't care about the lively-hood of my newborn. 

I had heard all the horror stories. "Do you want your baby to die?!" a doctor said to a laboring mother when everything was going fine, labor was just taking it's time. 

I'm a SIDS parent. My 2nd baby (my sweet Sarah) died when she was 3 months old. I don't take ANYTHING lightly considering the care for my babies, in utero and out. I don't know how I would respond if a doctor actually said that to my face, when I knew in my gut that I was doing the right thing. 

Labor can be a difficult thing to wrap your head around. You have all these moving parts, trying to prepare yourself for anything, but psyching yourself out for a normal birth. Trusting that your body works can be a hard habit of self-talk, especially when you have experiences in your history where maybe.... your body didn't work. I had to have that c-section. I know this to be true still today. I remember feeling the intuition of it too. Something was off. It didn't feel right and something needed to be done. That c-section saved my life, but more importantly, it saved my daughter's life. 100 years ago, we'd both be gone. C-sections have their place and I'm thankful for it. But I did not want to repeat that experience all for paranoia. So I stayed out of the hospital as best as I could. 

So there I was, laboring in my home, my midwife on her way. I'm in my birthing pool swaying with the warm water with all my family surrounding me. The lights are low, my music is in the background and it seemed so surreal. There was no panic, no rushing nurses in and out, no monitors (although the midwife would check the heartrate from time to time). I remember the loudest noise coming from the kitchen when my sister in law was blending the cake mix together preparing for this "birthday". 

photo by Kaitlin Wessman Photography

When it came time to deliver her, I got out of the water for about 10 minutes to push her out on the living room floor and get stitched up. Then got back in the soothing water and enjoyed my brand new baby. I would look around my house and all the people that supported me through this and was so thankful that I did it! 

Ah... it was magical. After that experience I knew I wouldn't do it any other way. 

I respect the fact that some women are more comfortable in a hospital, or there are some women who opt to have a repeat c-section. This post is not to condemn or judge anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their baby. My purpose for this post is to share my stories, but especially today I share this story because this beautiful baby girl that I delivered at home is 2 years old today. This is simply my tribute to her birth. Her arrival reminded me that my body works and it taught me that my body works even when I'm in full control in my own home. It was so empowering. And no one can take that experience with my daughter and family away from me. 

photo by Kaitlin Wessman Photography

Happy 2nd Birthday Naomi! 

Read my detailed home birth story here.

If you're curious about my story about my sweet Sarah' death, you can read that here. 

Pregnant Update: Wrestling With Hope and In The Thirties!!

To give an update about my progress with this stressful pregnancy... I must say, I ebb and flow over "doing well" and "not doing so well". Like a tide rushing in and then out, I have several days in a row where I feel better and contractions are normal (for a 6th pregnancy, at this point) and I feel hopeful. Then, I'll have several days in a row, where I'm back on survival mode with crazy contractions that tease the anxiety, leaving me to wonder what the next few days/weeks will look like.

This week, I will be 31 weeks. I'm very excited to see those numbers after being on this "modified" bedrest for... I don't even remember how long..  since 22 weeks? So that's 10 weeks of taking it extremely easy = modified bedrest = (for those that keep asking me what that means) no standing for long periods of time, no walking around for longer than 5 minutes, no carrying children, sitting as much as possible, and laying down when the contractions are really bad. I have been taking magnesium, which I believe is definitely making a difference, in light of that fact that I have those several days of "normalcy" at a time.

A couple weeks ago, I regained a new hope though. I must share some of this heart change. Earlier, dealing with all the contractions, I would sink into a depression. I would let it overcome me, believing lies of doom around the corner. I would become bitter about this unexpected pregnancy altogether, and then turn around and be bitter with myself for feeling that way. I have a healthy little girl inside me. I feel her move and her hiccups. I know her presence is going to bring me great joy, but usually great joy doesn't come with some perseverance. I have allowed myself to forget that because I convinced myself that I wouldn't have to do this again. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it makes sense in my own head.

Me with the birthday girl! 

  So, after talking with a dear cousin of mine and my hubby, I have decided to embrace a hope that I can feel in my gut and in my heart that this baby will be healthy. I will make it to term. My womb is closed until the proper time is right for it to open and allow this baby out. Maybe this baby will be a little bigger than my other ones? Maybe this one will thrive better than all my other ones?  I can not keep swallowing a fear as I go day to day. I can live in confidence that this time, like every time, will be, indeed different. I must trust God's ability to give me mercy. That doesn't mean the road to get there will be any easier, (oh my faithful husband) but we will get there, and I will hold my healthy baby girl in my arms and cry happy tears when I look upon her because of the joy her presence will bring me.

 I must admit the last several days have been rough with contractions, and I was tried. I had a few moments of fear and worry, but that's when I went to friends for encouragement, to hear their words of truth that I am being held and that God will give me mercy. The comfort of the Church.

I awoke this morning with a calmer belly, so I'm very thankful for that. I find it triumphant to get into my thirties with my weeks, but more so, I'm looking forward to getting as close as I can to Thanksgiving, because that's going to be the time of delivering a healthy baby. What a Thanksgiving gift! I look forward to it.

Woes of an Irritable Uterus

My husbands alarm clock goes off, only slightly waking me enough to feel his body slowly reach over mine to shut it off. I sense him hovering over me to get out of bed. I roll over, breathing through yet another contraction, holding my 26 week along belly, thinking, "please. please. let this be a better day."

I fall back asleep.

I awake again to the sounds of little voices outside my bedroom, coming from the living room. My head is in a fog, but I managed to sit up, sliding my feet off the bed to the floor. I feel another contraction. It finally lets up for me to go to the bathroom and then waddle my way into the kitchen, passing the commotion of the very awake household of my 4 children. As I make eggs and oatmeal, I stand with a tightness, where there is no beginning and end, by belly is simply tight. My body aches from being hunched over most of the time, but it's the only way I can move around with all the tightness.

Breakfast is served and I finally am able to sit down to my own food. I breathe through more tightness. One by one collecting my pills for the day, (whether it be vitamins, supplements, or meds) I know I'm doing all this for the greater cause. A healthy baby.

The day goes slow as I sit and relax as much as I can, feeling guilty for making my 8 year old son take so much care of his one year old sister. I'm so proud of him, but I know that he is getting tired. My husband is getting tired. As I am getting tired.

Irritable Uterus. That diagnosis is so stressful, yet not detrimental. I know things could be worse. I could lose another baby. I could have the baby this early and she have huge health issues. But I know, as of now, a healthy baby sits inside me. Waiting, like me, for the day she arrives. The contractions tantalize me. They lie to me, nagging anxiety within me, forcing me to seek out the trust of Who is bigger than this. There is never a day that goes by that I don't have contractions, reminding me what I naturally worry about anyway. Truth is, these contractions make me a bigger risk of going into preterm labor. Is that a promised state? no. Truth is, because of a possible premature delivery, I could birth a premature unhealthy baby or worse, lose another baby. Is that a promise? no. Can these contractions send me into labor? they could.

Do I need to worry enough about them to do something? yes. But of course, truth is.. don't worry too much because after all, stress aggravates the contractions as well.

Where's my boundaries?

I didn't know this before yesterday, but there are online support groups out there for "irritable uterus'". It's THAT stressful and confusing and so much guess work, leaving every mother and medical professional playing russian roulette with what might work or what the outcome will be.

I'm tired. I'm trying. It makes me feel guilty that I can't do more as I sit and try to relax, trying to calm contractions that are never ending. Always nagging.

I'm so thankful for the husband I have and the kids I have. They make this whole experience at least tolerable. I was crying to my husband last night about all my anxiety over what's happening. I was complaining about how sick I was for so long in the beginning and then to turn around to these contractions that basically are putting me on a modified bedrest. He quickly proclaims, "You had a "good" month there." Yeah.. a good month.. of not as sick and not yet contracting like crazy. I guess I'll take it.

sorry. I'm just a little down with all this. Trying to live life, but taking this season slow because I simply can't do it right now. Prayer is always appreciated. For my contractions to calm, and my spirit to be lifted in this time.

I'm a lot earlier starting all these contractions than I've ever been with any of the pregnancies. So it's gonna take a small miracle to get me to 37 weeks. I'm starting to count down the weeks. I have 11 more weeks to get to safety for my home birth. I need to start self-talking, "I will make it."

6th Baby Update: Cheaper by the Half Dozen?

Alright... for those of you who care to know how I'm doing with the pregnancy.....

I am 23 weeks this week. Gosh! Time flies!! Especially when it's your 6th apparently...

We had an ultrasound done a few weeks ago and found out it's another girl! Oh. My. Lord Jesus. How? Can. We. Do. This?

I'm actually ok with it. I have my "little women". (I'm already getting the jokes and chuckles out of people about how hormonal my house is gonna be once they all reach puberty) But my poor Isaiah. Both him and Eve were crying in the ultrasound room when we saw the news. And this is exactly why I wanted to find out while we can, to prepare these little hearts for what God has given us...... a 5th girl....

We haven't decided on any names yet. Still tossing some around.

I've tried getting off some meds for my nausea and it ain't happen'in.... I went 2 days without it, and then all the heart burn and nausea and "I hate food" attitude came back. And that is just blasphemous for me! I LOVE food!

Anywho. So even though I'm into my second trimester, and my third is right around the corner... on the meds I go. :/

I've also been experiencing LOTS of braxton hicks (false labor contractions) already. I'm not just talking about one every few days... I'm talking several. every. day. It's annoying, and sometimes, when they are strong enough, a little scary. Starting the craziness this early on (usually it waits to get this bad a couple months before due) makes me a little nervous, but I'm trusting that my body just has a hyper uterus and just likes to contract. (which is actually true for my case, I just hate living with it, I guess it could be a lot worse)

To complain a little bit, my hip is already out most the time, which forces me to waddle making me look fabulous!, and it feels like everything is going to fall out of me. :/ yikes.

I am so done. My poor hubby went to the doc to get that taken care of... poor baby. He did good. I watched the whole thing. I know I know... but it was way too interesting to me. I have a right to know what exactly is done to that thing! It's mine!!

Anywho. Back to baby.

Baby is healthy looking. I saw cracks in her skull, which means her sutures are NOT fused :) Yay! I got a 3rd different due date... so I just start telling people that I'm gonna have a baby in November... just to take care of any confusion... I WILL EAT THANKSGIVING FOOD!!! LOTS OF IT!!

ehem.  Baby moves more and more and Eve is the only child of mine that kisses her goodnight almost every night. She's determined to make herself the baby's favorite sibling, I think.

I'm getting things prepared and ordered and planned for another home birth. I'm actually quite excited about that part. It felt so great, invigorating, and much more stress-free doing it at home. My family cared so well for me, and I'm in love with the birthing pool. I'm nesting like crazy, (de-cluttering the house) but have to take it easy as these contractions come. They slow me down, but that's ok. Slow is good. heh... The hubby is doing an awesome job at taking orders per my nesting. :) Love you Yesh.