I See Her.

Over the holidays, I've seen so many family and friends, it seemed endless as I hugged and talked to people one by one. I am blessed.

People ask me how I've gotten through certain things... it's really no wonder when you look at the size of my family and see the chemistry of silly-ness, music, art, intelligence, dark humor, light humor, all wrapped up into a Christian burrito.

...

I hope that made sense.

Anyway. Moving on. I saw a familiar face during all these festivities. But not only was it familiar because I knew the person, but because her eyes took a familiarity that reminded me of myself starting about 2 years ago. My oppressed self. I saw her. I saw it in her eyes.

I listened to her story about how life is going right now for her and I could hear things that she was saying like an echo from things I had said in the past. Even down to the phrase, "Nothing you can say will help me." This is true in a lot of circumstances. Words do only hold so much water when you are down and out. But this was different. This is coming from an apathy that truly only God can touch.

It's funny, because I felt an empathy to her apathy and still, felt I couldn't reach her. When you are in that deep, it's hard to feel anything. It's hard to sympathize with people. She already knows the Truth, but what she's seeing, right now, is another truth,...

Life.
Sucks.

Doesn't matter how good your heart is. Or how good your intentions are or were. Or how hard you work. People get hurt. And it seems endless.

Life.
Sucks.

Even though I'm out of the heavy oppression I was under, I'm still healing. I'm still "coming out of it." When veils of real life are lifted, it hurts. I go back to that awareness I spoke of earlier, where your eyes are so "open."

"When did you suffer? "

It's very despairing when you first hit the point when the veil is initially taken off. And there are many veils in life. But there's this lost feeling that's so overwhelming, leaving you vulnerable to dark attacks. Coming out of it though? It's beautiful. I can imagine I'll never recover because full recovery would mean that I'd possibly lose sight of this awareness that's left it's scar. The beauty is seeing the Church, seeing the Body, in it's most raw form. What it was meant to be. What it is. Even then.... it's still a mere glimpse of it's potential.

I see her.

And I'm sure she'll make it out alive. Beautifully scarred, but more alive than she's ever felt. My hope for her is that it won't take long. But everybody is different.

She is not alone.


This song "All Creatures" by Elisaray was a song that was on repeat during that dark time for me. I still love listening to it.

When Did You Suffer?

One of my favorite theologian authors had a recent interview where he discussed his newest book out. ("What We Talk About When We Talk About God"--- I haven't read it yet) When the conversation turned to this "awareness" of God being everywhere, he said that when he meets someone who is so "aware", their eyes are "open", he said the first thing he wants to ask them is...

 "When did you suffer?"   - Rob Bell

As I sat and watched him say that, it sent instant tears to my eyes. I looked over at my husband who was just as baffled. I've always loved his perspective and this is one reason why. 

It's true though. It's amazing how much suffering can lift this veil of ignorance. It takes the perseverance of that suffering to walk in this "eyes wide open" state where you can't help but feel God and see God in so many things that you never saw before. To be able to take a tough situation and see past it enough to say, "I know we will still be ok." Being able to find blessings among hardships. 

When did you suffer? 

Sometimes I look at my life and all it's events, some so painful with all it's loss, and some so joyful with all it's finding. The joyful times, I'm reminded of what I have. But the painful times, remind me not only of what I don't have, but that why I have what I have is that much greater. 

Yes, I've suffered. And I will continue to be put in situations or receive certain consequences that will make me suffer again and again. 

James 1:2-4

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials [or temptations], 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance [steadfastness]. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result [work], so that you may be perfect [mature] and complete, lacking in nothing.

Wouldn't it be cool if one of God's ultimate goals in our lives is to simply see Him? Like really see Him? What if the perfection that He calls us to is simply being aware of His presence at all times?

When I look at my thought process now, and then remember my thought process 10/15 years ago... I see this scripture coming into fruition in my life. I'll admit it here.... ((deep sigh)).. I'm not perfect.. BUT I know that my suffering is not for nothing.

Solemn Morning

I woke up this morning to my sweet little girl, beside me in her crib babbling. I get up to feed her and check my email. The first thing I read is Ben's progress written by his dad at 1 in the morning.http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/benjaminricketts This little boy, almost 2 years old, was found not breathing with a cord around his neck. His dad did CPR until the paramedics came, and he was air lifted to Iowa City. This was several days ago. I've been keeping up on him, not knowing this family, found them through facebook. This story has just broken my heart. I'm finding myself looking over my house, finding any cords that the kids could get into. I just couldn't imagine watching your little 2 year old, lay there on a hospital bed, in an induced coma, waiting and praying most desperately for his brain to heal. There has been little progress, but the prayers keep coming. There are thousands (and I'm NOT exaggerating) of people on facebook that have vowed to pray for little Ben. Every time I read their postings I almost feel like I'm in church... the true meaning of it, anyway. Believers coming together. So many people tuning in, watching and waiting, and praying for something to happen. In an attempt to comfort them in their weary times as I read this dad's weary letter, asking us to pray for their strength, I thought of the song that I love to hear when I feel most desperate. "If You want me to" by Ginny Owens.
This woman is blind, plays her own piano, and sings with the most angelic voice you've ever heard. As I listened to it this morning before I sent the link to them, memories of riding in the car listening to it, grieving Dad, came to me. Then Sarah brushed into my mind and all the lost feelings of losing yet another dream of a future with her. Then my sweet Teshura, the baby I'm privileged to hold in my arms this very moment and all the stuff that's going on with her, crossed my mind and I thought. "I can do this. This is why I'm doing this." At the end of the song, Ginny added a little line that I've never heard before, and it created tears streaming down my face..... I have no other words for it. I need you to just listen to the song. Do this favor for me and listen to these encouraging words and breathe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMKp4g_ZrGk 

cry and enjoy!

update on Tesh:  Dr. M does not believe there is any sign of a connection between her head and the dysphagia. She will have another swallow study on June 25th during her pre-op work up and is to have her cranial surgery on June 28th. She will be second in line again. This gives us 5 weeks to prepare, which I am grateful for.