the ultimate Provider!

I'm not even sure where to start. Let me back up a little bit.

Last Thursday, Naomi weighed in at 6 lbs. 2oz... not even her birth weight. I cried. Got depressed. I cried more. Got mastitis. Almost died. Cried more. Posted in my blog about it. and cried.

I've had a couple friends contact me since then. I have 2 different kinds of friends. The first kind are the ones who are sweet, they'd never say anything negative to you, they do nothing but encourage you, give you hugs, let you know that "everything is going to be alright." ...

...then there's the second kind. They are the ones that are still sweet, but they'll give me a kick in the pants if I need it. They hold me accountable and encourage me, they still hug me, and then send me out, with a swift shove to be on my way.

I love having both. It's like salt and pepper. :) Both kinds of friends have been contacting me especially since my last post on here. and I needed that. I have been feeling so encouraged. I hit a bottom this last weekend and I needed my friends to come alongside me, take my hand, and pull me out of my corner.

I have learned a few things about myself recently, things I need to work on.
A dear cousin said to me, after encouraging me to pray and claim Jesus' name for my healing and Naomi's health, she wrote to me, "don't let nursing become your god." As soon as I read that sentence, I could feel a little knife at my chest. I didn't think a sentence like that would gnaw at me. ..... ouch.

Then another mother, a newfound friend of mine, told me of her experience of having the similar supply issues.  She wrote to me saying,"I remember I had been praying so hard to be able to nurse and feeling so let down. But then God really touched me. I felt like He was saying that He would always provide for my babies and it wasn't up to me. I am so blessed to even have other options to feed my children, many don't have that. I think it was an area of pride for me, so God used this to make me more like Him."  (I underlined the part that struck me the most)

Pride? I was being prideful about it? ouch again. I know it's worth fighting for, but when the answer is clearly "NO" then it's a battle I must surrender to. Why is the answer no? I have no clue! All I know is that "no" is going to have to be ok with me. Can I birth babies naturally? yes. Can I feed babies naturally? no, not quite. It sucks.

I tell my kids, all the time, "No" and when they whine about it, and tell them, "Stop whining. You need to be ok with this" yikes.......

I was coming to all this before the appt. with the nurse practitioner to get Naomi weighed again.

First, (last Thursday) I got angry and decided to supplement her with a whole world of guilt and depression on my shoulders. Shortly after that, I had been mostly forced to surrender to full supplements because of my being sick. When I came out of that, I started willingly surrendering to it cause that's simply what she needed and I started letting go. Reading and hearing the words from my friends, I was encouraged to let God be God, and be stripped of my pride over this.

I am still nursing, somewhat, but she's mainly getting fed through the supplements.

It's been 5 days since her last weigh in. I was anxious, but somewhat confident that things would look pretty good. I read back in my posts about Tesh's FTT and at one point I had gotten her to gain 10 oz. in 2 days. I trusted the fact that I could do that again. ....

..... and I did and more! Naomi now weighs 7lbs. 5oz.! That's a whopping 19 oz. in 5 days people!! (and that was on an empty stomach too) It made the nurse and the nurse practitioner's eyes widen! :) I couldn't help but laugh.

Thank you Lord! You are Great and Merciful! You are the ultimate Provider. You are Strong. Forgive me for putting way too much stock in my ability to nurse her over Your ability to provide for her.

This is a broken world. But He has overcome it. (John 16:33)
"If then you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:1-3)

Another Failure to Thrive...oh the dreaded words...

I've had a busy last few days, plummeting into another depression over how much my body is failing. Apparently, according to my own observation, my body can't carry babies past a certain weight, no matter if they are ready or not, AND my milk just won't keep up anymore, no matter what I do.

I have officially heard the words yesterday as my wonderful nurse was dropping off medicine to me cause I now have mastitis on top of all this. She is, indeed, failure to thrive. I looked it up online to see what her growth chart looked like and she is not on the chart at all. The midwife and nurse have been great advocates for my nursing and we've all been thinking of new things to try and get her to gain weight, but now it's coming to a point where we can't wait any longer to "try" things. She needs the weight on and needs it now. Her last weigh in was not good, as it was only 3oz. more than last time. When I saw this I knew I had to change things up and I wasn't going to like it. We've been introducing soy formula to help supplement and she seems to be doing well with it. (thank God, no intolerance)

 I didn't realize how bad she was, and those words are sounding all too familiar. After 24 hrs. of feeding her with lots of extra supplement, she was fussing while I was making breakfast for the kids yesterday. When I finally got to her, I noticed tears. I remember seeing tears when she cried when she was within 2 weeks old, but hadn't seem them in so long, and I realized.... "was she that dehydrated?" How could I have not seen it? I'm being honest here, I feel I have failed in so many things with her. I made her gaining weight such a priority that I was neglecting my other kids cause I always had her in my arms, and I still couldn't get her to gain. I don't blame my intentions or my heart in it, I blame my body. Josh and I have even had discussions about really being done having babies. Which, on one side, it makes me sad cause I'll never enjoy a normal healthy infant again (of my own anyway), but on the flip side, it's almost relieving to think about "being done" because I can't take this heart ache any longer. This makes 2 failure to thrive babies in a row. I was convincing myself that Tesh's issues were just a fluke and that this baby would be normal. Now I'm thinking maybe my body is trying to tell me something.

I can't even think straight on a spiritual level about all this, cause I could go in circles forever and then this post would be entirely too long. hm... free will.... God's will.... AHH!! anywho.

Last night was torture for me. I'm getting sinus sick, and I have extremely painful mastitis on top of it. My milk is low at the moment, so the supplements for Naomi are greater. I can't keep up with any of it. Thank GOD for husbands!! He's been such a trooper in all this. I was almost delirious last night because of all of it, feeling like I was going to die. Oxy moron: it was Good Friday. I even thought about it, in my misery, the way that Jesus must have felt and of course His situation was much worse than mine.

I found myself, this morning, reading some of my old posts on here about when Tesh was found failure to thrive and they put us in the hospital and the whole works. We're pretty sure there's nothing seriously wrong with Naomi so THANKFULLY we are still home because they did not do anything I can't do. I know the routine. Fortified calories formula.. and shove it all down their throat. I am bound and determined to get her fat! I've cried numerous tears over the possibilities that she may have to stop nursing, but reading my trails I left going through Tesh's issues with this, made me feel better. Her health is worth more than my need to nurse. Of course, I know breast milk is best.... yeah, but that's IF YOU HAVE IT!! That's where my problem lies. I can't even depend on Naomi nursing well enough to help me through the mastitis, so it's somewhat her fault too, I guess.

My nurse even had to ask me if I was ok. She noticed I wasn't being myself, and of course, one of her jobs is to watch me, as well as watch baby. I had to admit to her I wasn't ok. My emotions are hanging on Naomi's success. She's not doing well, and that depresses me. When she does well, I'll be ok. Of course, mind you, all this is amplified because of my history with losing Sarah, and dealing with Tesh's issues. And can't even talk about it without crying.

This Easter weekend has knocked me into a place of stopping. I have missed 2 services and probably will miss Sunday because of my being sick, and it's literally made me stop. Last night, especially, I couldn't even feed Naomi, I was so weak and in pain. Josh had to bottle feed her most of the night. I've definitely hit a bottom with all this. When I woke up, Tesh was cuddling with me, and couldn't help but look at her and think, "I didn't fail her. She IS here and healthy" Even Isaiah (my 7 yr. old) said to me, "It's ok Mom, for her to have formula. It's not like she's gonna die or anything." ..... oh dear.... leave it to him to say things like that.

 It'll be interesting what the near future holds, but it better involve a fat baby.

On To The Next Thing....

I just wanted to say it officially....... we are NOT failure to thrive any longer. She will be 5 months old next week and she is weighing in at 11 lbs.15oz. The Pedi. said that they want their babies to double their birth weight by 6 months of age. Well, people, she was 6.5 lbs. at birth and we are close already. Praise God!

~Thank you my Lord and King for holding my baby in your arms and hearing our prayers for mercy. You have done great things for us, and continue to do great things. ~

I read on an old friend's facebook, on her favorite quotes, there was written this, "Perfect love casts out all fear - Bible"  When I think and meditate on that verse 1 John 4:18, I like to go back a little,

v.16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in the world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,....."

To fully experience this, I believe it would take a life time. What a Great God we have.

Please understand me, my body is worn, my headaches persist, I (Kailan) have fallen with my fear many times, and there is healing still happening and will continue to happen, but to have this stirring in my heart, it is like a drink of fresh water, medicine to my soul- something "the world" can not take from me.

We will breathe through this next obstacle.... the surgery itself. We see Dr. M April 9th. His PA said to me that he will do a "work up" on her when we are there that day, and schedule our surgery. She said it'll probably be within that month from the appt.

These life circumstances for the Wing Family have been a blessing in disguise, teaching Josh and I how to be content in all things (we've not been in ALL things yet), preparing us for the rigors of the ministry. We are no where near perfect, neither could one be, but I believe God sees our hearts in our strife for continued learning.

Our prayers now are for God to continue his mercy on little Teshura, that He make her strong for surgery. Also, praying for Josh and I to make a decision based on the discernment of where God would have him (our family) working and serving. It is a big undertaking, and my husband is a very loved man (if I may say so) and I am proud to be his wife and have been ready and willing to stand by him in where ever God leads him.

I Hit a Curve Ball

The last 24 hours has thrown me some pretty good sized curve balls. Yesterday morning I thought to myself, ' you know, I really don't know if this neurosurgeon is going to do the same surgery as the last one planned, and I don't know if "a team" will be present also.' So I got the urge to call.... I talked to the secretary of this doctor and I asked my questions. She informed me that a team will not be needed for the type of surgery that he will perform. I asked what surgery he was planning on doing. She said the "strip" one, where he will make a cut where the suture needs to be, and widen it. He'll make a couple cuts on either side and widen the sides a little, and then she'll do "helmet therapy" for 3-6 months. I was very confused at this, cause all I knew was, that was not the surgery I had prepared myself for. There are pros and cons. The CVR surgery is more invasive, more blood loss, but the chance for resurgery is slim. This "strip" surgery is less invasive, a little less blood loss, but the chance for resurgery is a little greater, which frightens me. I asked her about the team part of things, and she said that this surgery he does alone, the other he does only for other sutures that are closed, and that the team gets involved for that. I was freaking out cause I was not prepared to hear all this. I thought we were on the same page, but what I was realizing was, I was still on the page of the previous doctors that were no longer her doctors. I cried to my mother, and she said very wise and comforting words to me.
"Kailan! Now is the time to understand what it means to trust in the Lord. You need to trust Him and trust that He is the one that brought you to this doctor. You need to trust this doctor, that he knows what he's doing and what's good for Tesh." Although I'm forever grateful to this doctor for standing up for Tesh, but I found myself still skeptical of his ability to treat her? Mom said the words I needed to hear. I'm not in control of this part. I do trust the Lord, I do trust that He sent us here, I do trust this doctor, and if he thinks this is best for her, then that is what will happen. So now I need to put that trust into action, and show my Savior and King that I am His bondservant. That was the last time I cried about the type of surgery and the doctor's decision.

Onto a different page, I turned my attention to her weight issues again, as I received a call from my Pediatrician. She informed me that she and the new GI doc. were talking and that he handed Tesh's case back over to her cause there was nothing more that needed to be done. I started explaining my concern for her having "milk soy protein intolerance" (MSPI) and she quickly said back, " yes, that's what she has." as if I already knew this. I was frustrated and told her that the old GI doc. never breathed a word to me about it. She said that she suspected it in the past, but then we ended up in the hospital and met with the (old) GI doc, and he investigated on it. .....slowly........ I was floored. I couldn't believe that it was a fact now, unbeknownst to me, that she has MSPI. So then I asked her to hear me out. My plea was for a formula that would, without a doubt, be something that he will tolerate, and grow from. I wanted her to be on Elecare. She, with no challenge, wrote the script for it right away. I thanked her enormously for that, and felt so relieved that this battle was finally over. It was like getting up off the ground and looking around realizing that you've just won and that time will finally begin to heal the wounds. I took a good deep breath and thanked the Lord for He IS good. I truly have so many things to be thankful for. So many blessings that I am able to touch every day. I've got a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and a house to clean.









I couldn't ask for more.


This does not take my fear away, for I am still nervous about the surgery itself. But what I do still have is hope, and hope does not disappoint. The sunrise was beautiful today. As I rest and recuperate, I am restored by my Father once again.

Unveiling the Present

The long awaited appt. with this doctor finally came. I had Tesh on my lap, and he walked through the door, this older man from India, sat in front of me and one of the first things out of his mouth was, " What was her birth weight? " I answered, " 6lbs. 5oz." He then asked, " What is her weight now?" I answered, " 10lbs. 13oz." Shaking his head, he said with a serious tone, "She's gained 4 lbs. in 4 months. .... That is not good."
He went on to explain to me the diagnosis that we already knew about her head, and declared that she, indeed, needed surgery. BUT he can not touch her right now. He said, "I can't go into a baby like this. We call these babies "failure to thrive"." My face felt a little numb as I was trying to swallow that word, once again. That took me back, but he continued, "She needs surgery, but I can't and won't do it until she is well. Do you know WHY she is not gaining weight?"
My answers seemed so weak, but I gave him all that I knew. I found myself stumbling over my answers realizing what weak statements they were, " well....... they think that there might be a milk protein allergy.... she's on acid reflux med...." As I'm saying all these things, he's shaking his head, seemingly becoming more disappointed. He looked upset. He interrupted my ramblings about her health with, " WHO is THEY?" I answered him, " My Ped. and the GI specialist." Shakes his head again. As a father instructs his child, he said very seriously, " They need to get to the bottom of this. They need to figure out what is going on, why she won't gain adequate weight."
I went on saying that I've been feeling like they haven't been listening to me, and that I have theories, but they seem reluctant to try them out or test for them. He's shaking his head again, and then stands, " Do you know who I am? I am a neurologist. I am a professor of neurology. I've done....." and he went on about how many surgeries he's done, and how many of that were infants. and then concluded it with, " I am the one they all go to, I am it. THEY will listen to ME. I'm going to talk with these doctors, and make them get to the bottom of this. She needs surgery, but I can't do it with her in this state. They need to fix it, and if they can't, she will come here to get it done, and see the doctors here. " All I could say to that....... "ok"
I did ask him a couple questions about the actual surgery, but I almost felt I was getting off topic. It was a short-lived appt. and not what I was expecting.
I was expecting some productive consult about what surgery and when, and preparation, But what I got was a different form of productivity, which took me a little bit to see it that way.

He was the only Doctor that was standing up for little Tesh. He took the veil over my eyes, that the docs. back home put on me with words like" she's fine" " keep doing what you are doing", he lifted it up from my face.
This forced me to look at my daughter once more, and then I thought, " What am I doing??" He fueled the fire that, in my heart, was fading like embers. I was fighting back tears.

He felt around at Tesh's head, reassuring me of some flex with the metopic (forehead) suture, which made me feel better about the future for that issue. She started pouting at him, as he felt around explaining what was wrong about her head, and why. But then he instantly, turned into "Papa mode" and said to her with the sweetest voice, " Oh no, sweetie, I'm not talking about you. You are beautiful! It's ok, I'm going to fix this head of yours." It put a smile to my face, but I don't think Tesh was buying it. :)

He left shortly after that, with instructions to do whatever we have to do to get to the bottom of this, and that he'll see us back in 6 weeks, and see how she's doing then. April 9 is when we return for "take 2" and hopefully this mama can move this mountain with God's strength that He's so willing to bestow me with.

When we left that hospital, walking into the parking lot, packing everything back into the van, tears started slowly coming down from my eyes. I looked at sleeping little Tesh in her carseat, and my heart broke. We left there feeling very uneasy, not necessarily about the surgery, which there was, to some degree, disappointment. But we were trying to digest the seriousness of her present state, and that it's keeping her from a surgery that may save her life.

I was angry. I began wailing angry tears almost the whole car ride home. I was angry with the docs. back home, I was angry at myself for not pushing harder. I knew something was still wrong, and yet I sat in that feeling, becoming numb to what I ought to have done. My flame was burning now, and I was getting ready to forgive myself, and move onto what I needed to do now.
As I had moments of calmness, we watched the sunset, homeward bound. I was comforted by it's beauty, and remembered that as the sun sets, it will rise again. Of course, I went back and forth from crying, madness, and fighting depression, but as the sun, it still sets again, and rises again, so my life shall be on this earth.

Which is better....... to watch the sun rise or the sun set? They both look the same, but take on different passions. There is hope in sun set, because all the days trials are finally coming to a close, and there is rest. For there is joy in the sun rise, for a new day has been given and you are awake!

Isaiah 45:6 "That men may know from the rising to the setting of the sun that there is no one besides Me. I am the Lord, and there is no other. "

In My Place

As I was talking with Amber, a woman at church, I was gazing into her tired eyes, and imagining what it would be like to be in her place. She has a baby boy that is a little older than Tesh who is very sick. As she and her husband desperately try to find answers, one can only pray that he continues to grow and become healthy one day. My heart broke as we talked about the similarities and the differences between our trials at hand. We are both relying on the faithful prayers that are sent up from the church body and that God's mercy finds us.

I know that I may sound crazy saying this, cause I've lost a baby to SIDS, and now I'm facing another baby needing head surgery, BUT it still gets to me when someone's quality of life is under pressure. This mother had to watch her baby being hooked up to so many tubes and wires, for weeks and weeks. There were times where they 'could not' hold him, for if they moved him, it could make something go wrong. This little baby is six months old, they've been doing this for 6 months! I just couldn't imagine having to do that. Here I am whining about my situation, thinking it's so detrimental that I nurse, and hunt down all these details with her feeding, when she IS gaining weight, and she IS getting healthier, and she WILL more than likely survive this surgery with flying colors, and I have this mother in front of me that is praying that she can just stay out of the hospital, bring her baby home for good, not have to have this oxygen tube with him at all times cause he can't do well without, and for him not to vomit everything that he eats.

It really put me in my place. It made me thank God that I don't have to do what she's doing right now. I was holding Tesh in my arms while we were talking and she couldn't even bring him there. My situation could be so much worse. I honestly can say that I do not know their struggle. I can relate, and understand the heart wrenching pain of losing a baby, and will understand what it's like going through head surgery with your baby, but I do not know their initial pain and struggle that they are faced with everyday until he is well.

I'm not trying to belittle my struggle, like it's nothing. But what I'm trying to say is that it really could be worse. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own world of grief that it's a blessing to run into great people like Amber. It puts me in my place. It helps me to stand where I am and thrive cause of who I am. It helps me to rise up, and do my job well, all for the glory of God.

"Lift your head high, child of the Most High God."


*if you'd like to follow Amber's story, their blog is www.theflinnfiles.blogspot.com

Silver Lining Moment

"Isn't it nice to know.... that the lining is silver?" - Relient K

God is God, and I will never be able to say that He has turned His back on me. With my last post, I was desperately looking for answers. I talked with a few "cranio mommies" and they gave the advice that a team must be there for her head surgery. So I, one afternoon, called Dr. F's (CFS/PS) office and asked the nurse about sending our case to Iowa City cause we want to get a second opinion from a "team" of doctors. She said she would, so I thought, 'ok, that will make our options a little clearer.' 30 min. later, another nurse (from Dr. K's office) calls and tells me that Dr. K wants to send our case to Iowa City. I asked her about the timing of this decision (cause I had just talked to another nurse) and she said that it was written on a note that was given to her that morning. When I got off the phone, I cried, thanking God that He had given an answer to my prayer.
I appreciate Dr. Karas for his humility in realizing our case would be better carried out somewhere else. Our Ped. also called my house, in extreme agreement that she will be better taken care of at Iowa City, and she was raving about the doctors over there. Dr. Menezes is the neurosurgeon that will be meeting with us. We just learned of our appt. on Feb. 24th, @ 1:30pm in Iowa City.

On another praise,..... After 2 days on the alimentum formula (very expensive hypoallergenic formula) she gained 6 oz. !!! She seems a little stronger. There are little quirks to work out, but

I see that silver lining, that is shining over the clouds, showing us God's smile. It's there, we just have to wait for this storm to pass, using the water coming from it, to grow us so we can bloom. That is only a fraction of God's power.

Sick To My Stomach With Decisions

I think this is by far the most stress I've ever been under. I have been feeling very depressed, not about one specific thing, but a lot of things together. My body is doing something weird that's making me feel sick and tired often. "I have my suspicions, but we won't know for sure until we figure it out scientifically." (Jonah- Veggie Tales) But, of course, that's being put on the back burner due to Tesh's health status. I have 2 ornery kids that are acting out cause of all the chaos. My husband and I have made the decision to move because our income is just not cutting it for this house anymore. My poor Yeshua, he's trying so hard to keep things up and running.( and of course, having to deal with a "going crazy" wife)
I'm not nursing due to mucus coming out of every orphus when she intakes my (no lactose) breast milk. That still saddens me, greatly, but I've been learning to deal with it because she means more to me. I just wish we could figure out why. She's on just soy formula, but not sleeping well during the day. Very restless and agitated, but now there's very little to no mucus anywhere either. She has this lasting crud cough, that we can't figure out. She spits up undigested formula all the time, so now we are trying some acid reflux med. , which seems to be making things worse. (?)
We had our appt. with the neurosurgeon Dr. K last week. As he introduced himself, he also told us that our craniofacial specialist/plastic surgeon Dr. F (we had been meeting with Dr. F this whole time) is gone. He took a leave or something. So here we are standing in front of an actual neurosurgeon and he tells us his "team" doctor is gone. Dr. K was good about it though, he sat quietly as we digested all of this newness, so we could think of what to ask. I did like him, but I feel more comfortable with the "team" aspect about all of it. You see, Dr. K would be the one cutting bone and protecting the brain, whereas Dr. F was going to be the one shaping the skull, making it correct. Dr. K assured us that he was qualified to do this alone, but that, ultimately, it's our decision. He said we could go to Mayo (in MN) or Iowa City to find "the teams" but they are not here in town. I've got other "cranio moms" telling me that they would NOT let just an NS work on their child alone. Also, there is another suture that is fused, called a "metopic" suture (touch between your eyes and run your finger up your forehead), that none of the doctors breathed a word about, so now I'm confused as to what exactly is going on. And the "cranio moms" said that if that metopic suture IS fused and needs work that we NEED a plastic surgeon on it also. What do we do?? How do you, as a parent, pick which person is going to cut open your baby's head?? I feel so lost in all this.
Mean while, she's back on the charts, she's at 3rd percentile now, and everyone is happy about that, but I can't help but noticing that something else is going on. OF COURSE, these are two separate issues going on with our little Tesh.

You think I'm being tested? Maybe to see how much Kailan can cry? I found myself last night, pleading with Jesus to just hold me. I know that with the ministry that we aspire to be in, that there is a lot of pressure, my guess is that we need to learn to live under pressure? That's all I got though. I'll tell you one thing for sure though, my faith remains ultimately immovable. I will never stop believing that there is a God. I may feel at times that God has turned His back on us, but I'm reminded very quickly that He is merciful and compassionate. He'll get us through this, as He always does. A phrase Josh and I have adopted is, "Everything is going to be ok, we just don't know what ok looks like."













(top left) Profile shot: you can see how deformed her head has gotten from her brain pushing her skull back so it can keep growing. The cracks you see are sutures. Those are what they should be. (top right) This face-down shot shows you the fusing of her sagittal suture. There should be a suture going up and down. You can see a ridge where it's supposed to be, you can also feel it on her head. (bottom) Face shot: there should be a suture going up her forehead called the metopic suture. You can also see and feel a ridge there too.

It's crazy the technology that we have today. Thank God for it, this "gift" of ours has had too many close shaves away from death. That is a very unnerving thought process, but a very real one to me everyday.

If you run into me, give me a hug. Your hugs are God's hugs and they can be very healing...

.... as I'm typing this, I'm realizing that my 2 yr. old Eve, has her arms tightly around my shoulders. God is in everything that is love, even in a 2 yr. old that doesn't want to get off your lap. :)

Exodus 20:20 "And Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid; for God has come in order to test you, and in order that the fear of Him may remain with you, so that you may not sin."
Deut. 8:2 "And you shall remember all the way which the Lord your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."
8:16 "In the wilderness He fed you manna which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end. "
Job 7:17-18 " What is man that Thou dost magnify him, and that Thou art concerned about him, that Thou dost examine him every morning, and try him every moment?"
Psalms 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way."

Failure To Thrive

Last Wednesday, Teshura officially fell off the growth chart. She was 1% for a little bit there, and then finally took the dangerous dive. She is almost 3 months, and weighed at 8 lbs. 4 oz. ... the average size of a newborn. I was nervous, but thought, finally, we'll get some answers.
It had taken me 3 weeks to get her to exclusively nurse. I thought we were doing well. Almost all her signs of healthy baby were there. She was alert when awake. She slept a lot. Her urine was a nice hydrated clear color. Only it was her stools that worried me. I saw her weight, but thought, she must be a slow weight gain baby. I was ok with that as long as she seemed healthy. The Saturday before sed Wed. we were with family for Christmas. There was a little cousin of mine that was 2 days younger than my Tesh. He was so cute and plump. I asked how much he weighed. "11 lbs..." I thought, I remember those numbers at this age. I looked at him, then looked at Tesh, and realized for the first time, how frail she really was. It made me want to cry. I thought there must be something wrong with her.
Well, lo and behold, just days later, she fell off the charts. We had a CT scan scheduled that same day, so I had her seen by the Ped. to make sure she was ok, which she wasn't, she had the croup. But I thought we should at least try to get her to sleep during the scan, that was an option. The Ped. said, "I'm going to have you guys admit her and then you can get the scan done, but she needs to be admitted, cause she fell off my charts, and we need to get to the bottom of this." My heart sank. ' Admitted? Into the hospital? CRAP!!'
well.........here we go again. Josh and Kailan going to the hospital with ANOTHER infant. I'm telling you, this is definitely making me think twice about having another one. I did not want to do this, but at the same time, I wanted answers also. And this was the way to do it.
I was on day 3 of going dairy free in my diet cause her stools were always this mucusy consistency, so I thought I'd try it. It was so stressful in the hospital, it stressed Tesh out, it stressed me out. They did not allow me to nurse, they had me pumping and feeding her bottles with fortified calorie mix into my milk. She drank from the bottle, no problem. I was so numb to what was going on that it took me a day or two to really miss nursing her. We got her on a soy based formula mixture cause she reacted very badly to the milkbased. My milk supply was dwindling due to my stress. And that, of course, stressed me out even more. I won't go into detail but I started cracking, and became very sore.
Her CT scan was successfull. We got her to sleep through it. That was a chore, but worth it. The next day it was confirmed. "Partial closing of the sagittal sutures. Sagittal Synostosis."
She was able to gain an ounce a day doing all this, so they let us go home on strict feeding instructions. I was overwhelmed, coming home to my sick 2 year old that needed her mommy and my 5 year old that had so much to tell me and realizing the task of taking care of Tesh through it all. There is a nurse that will come to my house everyday to weigh her.
Today, I woke with mastitis, and during my kid's morning bath, I found lice in their hair! eeeee so gross!! I cried and cried, feeling even more overwhelmed and weak. My father in law, Jeff, came over and took care of the kid's hair, putting the medicine on it and starting the endless combing, while I talked with the nurse, that was visiting for the first time for Tesh.
Today was a bad day for me, but a great one for Tesh. She is a grand total of 9 lbs. 1 oz. geeesh! 10 oz in 2 days. That's ridiculous. But, whatever..... for now. I've tried nursing her, and she won't have me. That has broken my heart. I cried to my mom about it, and she said something that had just struck me. She said, " well, Kailan, just know that you got 3 months out of her." She was trying to comfort me, when it actually put me into shock. 3 months! My nursing was cut off at 3 months when my daughter died, and now my nursing is being cut off with another at 3 months. How cruel is that?! I went a little crazy after that, not towards my mother, but towards myself. I was realizing that I'm not just fighting a physical battle, I'm fighting a spiritual one within me. I was not giving up control. I was not embracing the peace that He was trying to give me. I was being selfish. My stubborness always gets the better of me. It was time to end this crazy cycle of crying over my "spilled milk" (pun intended)
I got up and paced my living room floor, and said out loud, "Satan! You have no power over me. In the name of Jesus, get out away from my house. Because the blood of Jesus, you have no power over me. You have lost. I am a child of the Most High God, and once He has me in His grasp, He will never let me go. You will never have me. I am a child of the Most High God." I had tears streaming down my face through all of it, but by the end I was calm and the tears had stopped, and I was able to think clearly for a moment.

I believe that when we are in heat like this, that it is God allowing things to happen, and satan thinking that he could use it, for both to see, "What will Kailan do?" "How far will she fall? and How high will she rise out of it?"

Now, I'd like to say that I didn't fall for the rest of the day. But what I can say is that I didn't fall harder than what I had before, and I came out of it that much faster. Thanks to a dear cousin of mine.

Fellowship is beautiful. I can just feel these hands on my arms holding them up, so I can clinch onto the staff that must rise in order for us to win this battle. Thank you for your prayers.