Just when I feel like it's starting to not hurt as much, my heart sends this suffocating pain to my body, reminding me of what was torn from me. A part of me feels very selfish when I get this way, only because she was never mine to begin with, she was on loan, and her Creator saw fit to take her back. But, of course, my human heart cannot just accept that. I must ache. But I think He wants us to ache, I think if we become numb to it, then the testimony is dying.
Oh, how I miss her. If I close my eyes, I can see her beautiful fat cheeked face smiling up at me. I can feel her soft "blueberry" nose under my finger as I applied medicine to it due to her humangioma. I can smell the lotion that I put on whole body after every bath. I can hear her little squeaks that she would do when you walked by her. There are some things that I will never forget, but my vivid memory of her is starting to fade a little and that breaks my heart even more. Isaiah talks abou
t her all the time, drawing pictures of our "whole" family. Eve doesn't grasp the concept of Sarah........ the concept of Sarah...... that hurts too.We have another little sister too, now. Teshura Lyn, she'll be 2 months old tomorrow. She's so sweet. She loves her mommy. :) She has some features that look like Sarah and all the others too. I can't wait for the day when we can all sit around the table, talking about Sarah extensively. I dream of the day when my girls will be older and I can share how wonderful their older sister is.
:) I tried to explain how Sarah is Eve and Tesh's older sister, and after about 10 minutes I gave up. He did not understand that Sarah is ALSO their sister, but not just that, that she's their older sister. Again,... concept.
Everything is bittersweet, to every hurt their is a blessing somewhere.
So I embrace my aching, knowing that with pain, comes remembering, and my testimony relies on me remembering.
