ok, I thought it appropriate to blog about this journey because I'm wearing my SIDS parent stamp a little more these days and thought, "wow, another milestone I have yet to undergo." I'll explain.
We are pregnant with our 5th child. Yes, 4 living, but still 5th child all the same. I'm 2 months along and am making the decision to VBAC. Let me go back a little.
Our first 3 angels were born vaginally with very little drugs, very easy-going labors, nothing too complicated that didn't work itself out. I've never had the epidural, not because it's against my beliefs, although I believe we were made to survive the pain, but because I am TERRIFIED of that needle and that needle going into my spine. :) I have been tempted to get it, but never received it.
Our 4th angel, I was considering, during labor, names that meant "ornery". She never settled head down. I would start labor and it would stop cause she'd flip breech again. Which my body was responding very well, as it was protecting her. I finally went into a labor that refused to stop, she in process finally aligned but never dropped down. The midwife broke my water, thinking that would bring her down to where she was supposed to be. Much to her surprise, she lost her head and because they couldn't find her position, a c-section was ordered. The OB, while in surgery, found her transverse, and a couple months after she was born, she was diagnosed with Sagittal Synostosis (fusion of the sagittal suture), making that a reason as to why her head wouldn't form into the pelvic area for birth. Surgery corrected it, and now she's wonderful.
Our 5th time around, I'm strongly considering a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Although we are very excited about this next baby, I am getting very nervous about how this is all going to play out. I was told that I was a perfect candidate for it and was told the risks involved. The OB said that I have a 90% chance of having a normal vaginal delivery. 10% chance of complications, which may involve intervention possibly including a "casual" c-section. (one that I have time to get a spinal block for) And I have a 1% chance of my uterus rupturing, which based on baby's heart rate and my blood loss, will delegate how fast they need to get baby out. (possibly emergency c-section where they knock you out completely) All this terrifies me. This situation I find myself in, is making me realize, there's a small, rare obvious chance, I could lose another baby. That thought makes me sick and I think, "What did I get myself into?" I didn't realize the weight of all of it until I'm hearing the OB explain to me,"I say to my patients, a ruptured uterus, when baby's heart rate starts to drop is like a baby at the bottom of a pool. If you get a baby out of the bottom of a pool in 3-4 min. that baby is likely to be just fine, in the end. You wait 10 min. 15, 20 min., then you have a fatal problem. If that baby's heart rate drops, I'll tell you, 'Kailan, we're giving you a c-section, I'll tell you about it when you wake up'." I'm listening to him, trying to be as rational as I can, and suffocating inside at the same time. It's good for me to know the truth, but honestly?! I'm supposed to stand on that, and shout to roof tops," I'll be ok!! Cause I'm in God's hands!!" no, I'm sorry, but to be perfectly honest, I'm too busy crying a liquid plea for God to spare me and this child.
you/OBs say, "well, kailan, there's only a 1% chance of your uterus rupturing. It's sooo rare" Have you read or heard my story?! I live on 1% chances. Let me enlighten you on my soapbox for a moment.
Let's go back;
I'm gonna claim it cause it's part of my life. Suicides. I've had 4 cousins commit suicide. I think that's a "rare" experience.
Colon Cancer. There's a 2.4% chance of dying of colon cancer before age 44. My dad was 39.
SIDS. There's less than 1% chance of having a SIDS baby. Sarah was taken by this.
Craniosynostosis. SAGITTAL (most common in cranio babies). less than 1% chance of babies being born with sagittal synostosis. Tesh had to have surgery on her head for this.
Try telling me that I "only" have a 1% chance of my uterus rupturing and that I'll probably be fine...... and me accept that..... now THAT'S rare.... (yes, I'm a pessimist by nature.... I'm working on it)
To go further, what are the chances that all these things happen to one person in their lifetime... I'm not that good at math and don't care to be. My point, I consider myself unlucky. In more "Christian" words.... "tried to the fullest". I guess that's a better way of putting it. It makes one want to get through it with head held high. sorry, I'm being a little shallow right now, it's ugly. But my nerves got the better of me a few days ago, thinking..."is it worth the risk? Should I go through with this VBAC? Should I schedule a c-section? What's the more riskier thing to do???"
Good news is my midwives get to care for me, just not labor with me. And although I've had a "threatened miscarriage" (my first ever) that's turning out to be a normal pregnancy so far, my spirits are as good as they can be. I've heard baby's heart beat, have felt baby move, have seen baby move on ultrasound. I'm ok..... for now.
Let's go deeper. My research tells me that the more natural I go, the chances of my having an uncomplicated labor are greater. yes, that includes VBACs. So, in attempt to get my confidence back for labor, for the first time I'm taking "Bradley classes" that will teach me everything to know about natural labor and delivery, and will teach Josh, as coach, to labor with me encouraging a natural process. I'm finding these Bradley classes very "christian" and I mean that in the most respectable sense, although I don't know if Dr. Bradley was a christian or not. God designed our bodies, our female bodies, to grow, labor, deliver, and nurse these babies without unnecessary drugs. I'm not saying that we are evil if we take drugs during labor. All first 3 babies of mine, I had a little IV drugs to get past the worst parts. But honestly, what did the world of women do before those drugs? They went ALL IN. I will say, however, I appreciate the medical capabilities of intervention when fatal complications arise. Tesh and I might not be here today if it weren't for the ability to do a c-section, cause babies aren't born transverse and who knows if her head would've gone through anyway. But again, it was my body (that God designed) protecting her, saying, "no, she can't go through there" It's just amazing to me, how God has designed women's bodies to take such a complex, detailed journey to bring forth more creations of His image.
Coming to these points over the last few days, I've decided that a VBAC is less risk for me and baby, then to repeat a c-section. A successful VBAC will allow a crucial natural process for baby's lungs to clear as he travels through the birth canal. It will allow my body a chance to heal properly from such an experience, and I'll be fully able to hold, nurse, and be attentive to my fresh baby right away. A c-section creates more of a risk as any surgery would, for infections, bleeding complications, and less successful future pregnancies and deliveries. It would create a chance of baby having infections from lungs having fluid in them, breathing problems... the list goes on. And another note: my chances of my uterus rupturing could happen anytime late in pregnancy, so the risk is there, regardless of what I decide.
Before I give my final thought, I want to encourage all the mommies that have made decisions to have a c-section over VBACing. I realize that everyone's situation is different and that we, as mothers, are only trying to make the best decision possible for our babies, and I would never want to take that from you.
So, with all that said, here's your window to watching me attempt a VBAC. I say attempt, cause there is, after all, that 1% chance that I'd need an emergency c-section. ;) But, with higher hopes, now that I've put it in it's correct perspective, instead of "kailan's soapbox" perspective, I'm feeling confident about the path I've chosen. Will I fall onto my soapbox again? possibly, but now that I've come to a better place about it, I'm more likely to be quickly reminded that this body is still God's design, no matter what has happened to it in the past. No matter my statistics. (which I hate statistics in the first place cause what God wills is what happens) And that God is sovereign and merciful.
