So, I had a midwife appt. today and thought I might update everyone on how my pregnancy is going. As most of you know, I'm going for a VBAC at home, and although things have been going so well.. so far... they are starting to get a little rocky. Nothing too serious, just my crazy contractions. 3 days ago, I had 2 good hours of 4 minute apart contractions. 'Are you freaking kidding me?!"
My past self would freak out completely, call the midwives, they'd have me come in, to the hospital, hook me up to monitors as I sit in triage for hours, shoot me up with tributelene (a misspelled word that translates as a contraction stopping drug), then send me home, on drugs, to be put on bedrest until I'm 36 weeks.
I've decided with my "new" self, "new" perspective on my pregnancy (disclaimer: this is my 5th pregnancy, giving me the ability to know myself being pregnant) that during those contractions, I was simply going to sit, get my feet up, chug on some water, drink some chamomile tea, take 2 tylenols, and wait for them to subside. (hold your fingers a half an inch close together: I was that close to getting out a glass of wine to help calm them as well) There was a point where I was feeling a bit apprehensive, so I said a prayer for God to protect this baby and calm my uterus. Welp! I've said it before, and I'll say it again. God is good and He provides. Soon after that, the contractions calmed down and I knew my baby was safe.
Now, in light of my uterus being ridiculous, I'm putting myself on a "don't do a lot of house work, or anything else that normally keeps you on your feet" kind of rest. (... and for those that are thinkin it.... yeah, that too) When I'm 36.5 weeks, I can do whatever I want, but I do need to get there, none the less. I say that number cause I have to be very close to 37 weeks or more to birth at home.
My midwife did exactly what I needed her to do today. Calm my nerves about my contractions. She told me that when some women have an "irritable uterus", they contract, a lot, but they don't dilate, and are not necessarily at risk for preterm labor. That explanation was just what I needed to stay focused on the end prize. I seriously started having all these day-nightmares of me going into labor too early, having a NICU baby, and going through yet another, unhealthy infant struggling for it's life with all these plans of "God's design of what it's supposed to be like" stripped from me. I even told my husband that if I go into preterm labor, I want to be done for sure. (We really haven't made any decisions about when we'll "be done"... we'll see)
Baby is moving like crazy, trying to come out through my actual belly. Heart rate's in the 140s. Head is down at the moment, but that doesn't mean that baby won't move around a bit more. 36 weeks is when baby needs to settle head down for good. Apparently, a "basket ball" is just the perfect size for me, cause I'm measuring perfectly ;) I've gained a good 25 lbs. so far. So everything else is right on track. I have my "list" from the midwife to start collecting supplies for the wonderful journey I'm about to embark on, and I'm excited.
On the spiritual end of things, this is taking every ounce of self-control over my anxiety to keep moving forward, in faith. Moving forward is never the question, it's "how" you move forward. (cause I don't have special powers to stop time) I could move forward, in a mess. I could decide to grip onto the everything to try and take control and be skiddish and forget about enjoying the time I do have today. OR I can move forward in faith, which brings me peace. I have to let go of the concept of having control, cause God knows, I don't have control whether I think it or not. I must "Be still" quite literally, and know that He is on His throne and that whatever happens, He's got it. This is very hard to do when it's your own body that putting you through misery, and it's your baby's life that's at stake. I know, now, because of what God has done for us, what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and burned before your eyes, and what it feels like to drink the coolness of His mercy.
That leaves me in wonder. What will happen this time? Am I unknowingly walking into yet another fire that is going to press me even more? Or am I going to experience the greatest blessing and gift of having a natural birth, one that God designed to be a window into the ecstasy of His Love and Joy of the sacrifice that brings about precious life.
.... there's only one way to find out.....