The Richest Feeling in the World

One day before he died, his wife washed him with water and washcloths. 

I've had the privilege of sitting with my uncle in his last week before he died. These moments (pictured) were some of the last moments this wife had to serve her husband, literally the day before he died. He'd been in the hospital for weeks and she wanted to wash him. Being hooked up to so many tubes she got a bucket with warm water and washcloths and washed him. There was some time I had with him alone, before this, while she went away to get ready for the move to hospice that was to take place in just a few hours. I brought my dad's journals with me (journals he wrote in while he was sick before he died) in hopes to read them to my uncle to give him some comfort. Words that may make him feel he is not alone in this final journey on Earth.

"A favorite honeymoon memory is....
       On our wedding night, we stayed at a flea bag motel called the Hickman Motor Lodge, making distant plans for a distant honeymoon that we have cared less and less about, to some ever-changing location. The tree of love has many branches and roots. God has let me see the roots of my tree; a privilege I thank Him for.     My Honeymoon- that special bloom in a marriage- began March 1, 2000 when doctors told me even "Ziebart" won't help my body. I have fallen in Love with Lyn more than ever in my life, more than I have words to express. From the depths of my soul I am overwhelmed with a closeness I could have never imagined. I have never felt so full of Love and so loved, so safe, so cared for, as I do now. I love everyone ten times more, but I love my mate 100 times more. God, Lyn, my family - I am the richest man in the world... 
    ...... to infinity and beyond!"  
                                                                              ~journal entry written by Joseph Ruppert, Jr. 

When I got finished reading that passage, I looked up at my uncle and witnessed the gladdest smile, his wrinkles like sun beams brightening his face, his eyes were closed with gratefulness and he said, "Yes! THAT is soooo true! I love her sooo much!"

Suffering Always Leaves Behind a Gift

This last couple months has been extra hard for me. I was extra depressed, not able to deal with certain anniversaries and I have been having health issues. I had decided enough is enough. I signed myself up for some counseling and finally went to the doctor for whatever drugs that may help me. The doctor actually found that I had hypothyroidism, which explained almost all of my symptoms. So... I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy....  I'm still seeing my counselor for the chronic stress part of things.

Things kinda got worse before I started feeling better (for now), so I feel like I'm coming out of this dark cave of sickness and finally getting some light on my face. 

So.... in efforts to get back to blogging more regularly, I wanted to share with you this nugget. This video always reminds me of the gift that suffering can bring. I hate suffering. I have fought and wrestled with "why we are here if all we do is suffer" as it seems to be so much of the time, especially when I'm in these caves of darkness, and I know I'll continue to wrestle. The cave consumes me and tells me lies that this is all there is. But it's simply not true. When I suffer, those are some of my most intimate moments with God. When I suffer, it shows me empathy that I can then share with others who are suffering and lost.
I know the cave. I can acknowledge that it's there.

But it is not all there is.

And you will get out. 

And it's not until you get out, that you see the gift that it left. 


Enjoy this video "Rain" by Rob Bell from his Nooma series. (it's 10 minutes long, but it's well worth the encouragement) 

Not this time. Not this year. Making U turns in the grieving process.

 On the 7th of September, every year, I open the box of yellow cake mix, stir in the oil and eggs, and then slowly and gently fill each paper cup with that thick pudding-like batter. As they bake, you can smell cake throughout the whole house. After they cool on the cooling racks, I carefully smooth the chocolate fudge frosting over top. A bowl of M&M’s waits patiently to be picked through. The blue ones are what I’m after. I place a single blue M&M in the middle of each cupcake, donning the symbol of her endearment, “blueberry.” It is her birthday after all. What’s a birthday without cupcakes?

I raise no decorations throughout the house. No presents are ever bought. Only letters are written. Notes from the kids; from siblings, cousins, and the friends she would’ve had, tucked away in helium balloons to send off to the sky in imagined hopes of her retrieving them. Then we eat the cupcakes.

The cupcakes that were meant for a little girl…

…a little girl that’s not. here.

Not here.

I’m a jealous mother. I want to hold and squeeze my blonde hair, blue eyed 8 year old girl. The one that would be turning into a little woman so fast before my eyes. The one that would be my niece’s sanity in the midst of being surrounded by boys. The one that would be teaching her younger sisters everything she knew, because... you know... she would know everything... Ah, I am so very jealous! It makes me angry. But mostly, it hurts. It hurts a lot.

This year will be 8 years. Why, after doing this for 7 years, am I coming to a point this year where I don’t want to do it? (I’m not sure I have an answer to that) I can’t promise I’ll feel like this next year, but for some reason, I just can’t do it this year. Not this time.

And that’s okay.

I’m not okay. (Don’t worry, I’m getting help for that.) But it’s okay that I do what needs to be done. If it’s going to be too much this year, then I call it off. This is part of my process. And I’m allowed that.

Sometimes in the midst of doing things consistently, you have to check yourself and make sure you are still okay with it. It’s okay, to be okay, with things that people deem weird. And it’s okay for you to not be okay, with things that people are expecting. You may get some push back, but it’s not about them. This is about allowing yourself to process your own grieving journey.

For me, this year it just feels like a slap in the face. I don’t know how I did it all the other years, but this year, my face already hurts just thinking about it. (literally and figuratively) I want to be able to just break down and cry without my whole family and the few close friends watching me. My closed doors have their freedom in that. Sarah’s siblings demanded to be able to release balloons still and that’s okay, I’m conceding for them. I need to allow them that because that’s also part of my job as their mother too. They still want to celebrate her birthday and I love them for that.

Obviously no one is safe from making “U turns” in their grieving process, no matter how long it’s been. This year has been an extra hard year for me and I’m making a lot of changes. I didn’t foresee me making changes here too, but it’s what feels right, right now. And I must follow it out. There will always be next year. I’m just glad I have a supportive family that keeps up with my change of weather, call it quirky, and love me anyway.


Not-so-Happy Birthday, my sweet Sarah. Your mother just simply misses you. 

Read her story here.

Read what we did last year for her birthday here. 

Snow White is Right!

Corrodi-Schneewittli 1866/67

Our family has been binge watching Once Upon a Time, TV series. If you don't know what binge watching is, it's when you have Netflix and you wait forever for your favorite series of shows to appear for instant streaming (a whole season) and when it does, you eat, sleep, and breathe that series until it's over. It's a little sad, I admit, but most, if not all Netflix consumers do it.

There was a particular episode that stood out to me that a little voice inside my head said, "Yes. You need to write about that." It was so encouraging. Even my husband who must have been creeping on my face said, "The look on your face is priceless." -meaning... I had the cheesy, feel good smile on my face as I watched Snow White talk to her Prince Charming. Snow White said,

"How could I bring something good into a world when there was always something bad out there.... But Regina (the evil queen) will always be a problem. If not her, there will be someone or something else. There will always be something else. We can't let it define us. We have to find the good moments in between all the bad ones." 

Preach it, girl!

It is so easy to look at all the bad things in life and make that your center focus of "how your life goes." I sat with my counselor last week and listed off all the things I've been through. I spoke mostly on the bad stuff, (which is essentially part of why I'm there) but I barely mentioned the good stuff. You know... the fact that I have the best husband in the world, or about each and every one of my successful birthing stories, or that I'm blessed to be able to be home and home school, none of that. I mean, I mentioned them quickly, "Yeah, I have 5 kids at home and home school.... but but but... then THIS happened.." and the list went on.

It's so easy to get so boggled down with all the bad stuff and let it paralyze you. (and yes, I'm talking to myself now as well) It reminds me of the story of the elephant with the string wrapped around it's ankle. When they are babies, their trainers will chain them to a post strong enough to hold them. They'll struggle and struggle to get away and can't. Then as they grow, the chain slowly evolves into a simple string. All it takes is to feel that material around their ankle when they move to remind them that they are stuck and they give up, when in fact, it will take the slightest effort for them to break away.

That's what I mean by paralyzed. By fear of all the bad things that keep happening, there comes a point where one just gives up and gives in to it. "I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears." * It wraps you up like a blanket, ailing you further as times go on without your awesomeness.

When will it stop? When you choose to listen to Snow White.

Yes. Bad things happen to all people, good and bad. We all have a rough go of it. But the beauty that you are truly defined by lies within those moments in between. Counting the blessings you do have. Nurturing the friendships you do have. Raising the children you do have. Serving the community you do have. Breathing while you have breath. Speaking while you have words. Loving because you are human.

If you are waiting for your life to stop having bad moments in order to start enjoying the good things, you are missing the point. You must steal back your time. Seek out the good. Even if it's just for a moment depending on the season, seek it out. It does not come easy to do this. It's hard for some of us. Ask your closest lighthearted friend to help you. But you must walk, when you can because you can.

And because you. are. awesome.






* Psalm 6:6