Living With Chronic Illness: "Dear Flaring Kailan..." A Letter to Myself.

Living with chronic illnesses takes it's toll on my emotional/mental health. It's like being stuck on a never-ending roller coaster... and I HATE roller coasters!

On my bad days, (when I'm flaring) I feel like I'm "in the depths of despair."* The world goes on with or without me and I'm forced to choose to be ok with it going on without me. And then my mind travels to the ecstasy of dying. I think, "If the world can go on without me, then why do I even try? Why not die right here?" Its certainly the thing that will ensure the pain will stop. Yes... my bad days are dark days. It never fails. I cry a lot and bleed with love for my caretakers while hating my body.

But then, something happens! The flare lifts enough for me to breathe again. My energy is returned only in very small increments and then I taste life again. My eyes open wide and I feel thankful to still be alive. Thankful for having survived what I've survived. I do a little cleaning and cooking and actually hold conversations with my beautiful, quickly growing, children. My sarcasm returns with the husband and we actually laugh together. It feels like "a high." (I've never smoked weed before, but I can imagine being "high" feels a little like this)

I feel like two different people with these extremes.

So I decided last month to write a letter to myself. I wrote it while I was "high on life" and directed it towards my "flaring" self. I wrote it in hopes to reach out to myself, to save myself. I loved myself enough to at least try.

I had to pull that letter out today. I've been in so much pain this week and I could feel myself going down into my depths. I decided to share it with you as an example for you. I encourage anyone dealing with chronic illnesses to do the same. Wait till you are having a decent day where you are glad to be alive and encourage yourself. Pull it out on your bad days and hold it tight to your heart.


Dear "Flaring" Kailan, 

     Take a deep breath. Slow way down and hold this Truth as close as you can to your heart. You will survive. This is not forever. This flare will eventually lift and you will feel more confident then. You will feel hope again. I know you hate this part of the ride, but it will not last forever. Your kids love you, you are their favorite. Your husband loves you, you are always his best friend. Remember he's always so optimistic? Trust his heart. I know your fantasies of ending it all, but trust ME. When this lifts (because it will) then you will want to live. You will be back. Your laughter, play, silly-ness, singing, reading, writing.... it will all be back. I love you. This disease has changed your life, but it has not changed who you are and what you mean to everyone around you. 

                                                                    With all the GRACE in the world, 
                                                                         "Better Days" Kailan 


I made myself cry. Thank you Kailan.

What would you say to yourself? 



(*Anne of Green Gables)