Living Life Fuller

As I write this, 2 of my best friends and their 4 children are flying over to Africa to serve as missionaries for 2 years.
I've recently posted pictures on facebook of the last time we spent together, and couldn't help but cry. I'm so very proud of them, they are doing one of the bravest things, I'm just going to miss them so much. I've prayed for their safety, but also for their opportunities that they'll embark.

Let me give you some history... well, the history that we have with them.

We met at youth group.... no, not our youth group, as youth group leaders. :)

(typical life as youth leaders) :P





 Being youth leaders comes with a territory. You have to be weird, not afraid to be silly or look stupid, and you have to let the inner child out. When you find fellow like minded youth leaders, they are like "gems". That's where Josh and I met Owen and Stephanie. Owen and I are the analytical ones, while Josh and Stephanie are free spirits. Owen brought sense to Josh, Josh made it easy for Owen to run around like a little boy with him. Stephanie and I were a fit with our similar mothering ways, of course, she is really good at calming me down when I need it. We are all a perfect match!

Their oldest little girl happens to be the same age as what our Sarah would've been. So it's been a gift to watch her grow up. Our Isaiah has proposed to their Larinda... yikes... totally supportive, just not until they are way older... :) Of course, I think their Gaby may be in competition with her older sister over this boy... we'll see. Eve loves playing with all those girls, as if she doesn't have enough sisters of her own...  Stephanie and I were pregnant together with Macy and Teshura. Then they finally had their boy, Omri, and I had yet another girl.. Naomi.

Their story? They knew eachother from when they were little. They married just a day or 2 before Prom. yes, that's highschool Prom.
 He was being deployed shortly after cause he was an IT for the military.

Owen would be the tallest one here.

 He did this for 4 years, until they decided to be missionaries. Obviously, there's a lot of details here, but here's the highlights. And here's their blog if you want to know more about what they do now. www.livinglifefuller.com

Owen is the white one. 

Owen is working as an IT, in Africa, through MAF. (Mission Aviation Fellowship) Stephanie will be the supportive wife as she's always been, learning to live in the East DRC of Africa, and showing God's love to whomever she comes across. It won't be hard for either of them to show God's love, but I won't say that this trip is going to be easy for them. I'm sure there will be trials. It's how you face each trial, what you make of it, and how you praise God coming out of it, that's what matters. My prayer is that they find God in people that will surround them, support them, and stand in that gap for them. They will probably come back home to us exhausted after being there for 2 years. But I'm imagining it will be a good exhausted.










They've been there for us through so much life. They've been there through our continued healing with losing Sarah. We were there when Owen had to be deployed again, and Stephanie was supported with friends and family. They were there when we had all the issues with Tesh. Our husbands are there for eachother, especially when they need it most. Stephanie and I can call talk about anything. Through the joys and trials of parenting. oh my... the list could go on.....

Both of our families :) 

Their fellowship is priceless to us. Both families in the ministry. Both families young with LOTS of kids. Both families love God and love eachother. My tears are sad for my own selfish reasons of missing them. However, I will never stand in their way cause they are about to do great things and I'm excited, with them,  to see how.

....as they live life fuller ;)

Deescalating Anger

I hate roller coasters. really. I'm deathly afraid of heights. I actually experience a little bit of vertigo when so high. I've been dragged on roller coasters when I was a lot younger, and knew I'd never get on them again. Been there, done that, not my motto for everything but I can say that for this.

This is not about roller coasters. Although it feels like we've been on one, and it's time to get. off.

I've been trying to find a way to write about my anger without saying names, places, etc. I wouldn't want to do that to them. So I'm going to try and keep my writings about myself, rather than the "other people" ... phew... I can see it already..<I'll get to that in a bit.

My name is kailan, and I have an anger problem.... (and a depression problem, but you already know that about me if you've read my other posts) uh.. I'm a mess... anywho. .. ehem....

I've been angry. I'm not talking about just disappointed, or irked. I'm talking REALLY really angry. The kind of angry that could get me into trouble. .... hey! not with the law, although... nevermind. anyway, more like getting me into trouble spiritually. God's pretty much scolded me on my behavior.

My actions haven't been so much the issue, it's more a heart issue. Do I feel wronged? Was I wronged? Heck yeah, buddy. I could tell you all about it, but I won't. That wouldn't be ladylike. and it wouldn't be bondservantish either... yes, I just made up a word. but you totally know what I mean, so I get away with it..:)

See? In my particular situation, I was wronged, the other party probably doesn't know about how they've wronged me or to what depths they've wronged me. I'm not sure the other party even likes me, I know they don't trust me. Which kind of hurts any friendship we may have had. So I remain with a painful relationship, no apologies, ..... ignorance has not been bliss..... but this is not my point in writing.

Even though I've gotten out of this wrong, for us, situation, I've been chewing on it ever since. Have you ever chewed on something so long that you are almost dreading swallowing it cause you're already gagging at the feeling of the mush in your mouth, and you know you're going to throw up if you keep it in there any longer??? Yeah.... I finally puked. It wasn't pretty. The ugly situation I was in, I was allowing it to make me ugly.

I didn't know what I wanted to happen. If he apologizes, I won't believe him. If he tries to befriend me now, I'll think it's out of pity or obligation. Do I just want him to know? How I feel? How he hurt me? How he's effected our family? or relationships? Do I hang on the solace of him knowing? Do I ought to cling to something like that? Is that right? I need resolve. How do I get through this anger with no resolve?.... something was eating away at me. something I was missing.

We've been visiting a couple different churches and I've been sitting in sermons that are just speaking to me. It's like God was making sure I was listening and getting what He was trying to tell me. First of all, I've gained perspective. The "Bigger" picture. You know... the kind of picture that shows me that one day I'm going to be standing in the face of God and none of this is going to matter. The kind of picture that shows me that one day I'll be standing beside this person, in fellowship together, worshiping God together in heaven. "Crap! He's my brother".... those words make me whine.....
(I know this is ugly, but honest)

As ignorant as he may or may not be, I am not. I know better. I know I need to forgive. When apologies are given they are for them to let go, not I. It's kind of like the respect thing. We respect people because that's what we are commanded to do, not because we deserve it. We deserve hell.... you do. I do. Jesus died and conquered that death, so we didn't have to. Do I deserve an apology? ... I deserve nothing...

(just a disclaimer on all this: this has been punching me in the stomach over and over, and it's taken months for me as I sat in my anger and finally come to all this.)

One pastor put it as so perfectly for me. It was like a final slap in the face. He said, "Sometimes our flesh may become offended by God." I literally ran that sentence over and over in my head. I was struggling so much with forgiveness. A forgiveness that I was being commanded to do. Something God was telling me to do and I wasn't doing it, because I felt he offended me too greatly. God was teaching me "the grace" lesson. Something my anal Law bound personality struggles with. And I was sticking my nose up, with my face turned away. ugly.... ugly... christian.... yeah..... that's me. And then I puked some more with the help of some close friends that didn't mind holding my hair back.

Then, one of my favorite pastors, said something that tied all these beatings together. (that's the only way I know how to describe it, cause this anger was so very painful, and it was taking painful truths to overcome it) He said, "Check your pride."

Man! There's that pride word again... How is it seriously prideful, when I've done nothing wrong, in fact I was the wronged one, and now I'm paying for it by getting sick and puking, and expecting him to.... to..... ??? Daaahhh! I don't even know how to explain it.... but all I knew is I was finally coming to the end of it...

My pride is holding onto a justice that isn't my call. My pride is fighting grace.

"Sometimes our flesh may be offended by God."

I'm learning some tough lessons. I feel like I have welts on my heart. But they will heal. Because the grace that I need to give him, is that very grace that I receive from God, that bleeds Love that produces grace because we are both equally that precious to Him.

That's a long sentence. Is that a run-on?

I feel better... I've missed Him.