Deescalating Anger

I hate roller coasters. really. I'm deathly afraid of heights. I actually experience a little bit of vertigo when so high. I've been dragged on roller coasters when I was a lot younger, and knew I'd never get on them again. Been there, done that, not my motto for everything but I can say that for this.

This is not about roller coasters. Although it feels like we've been on one, and it's time to get. off.

I've been trying to find a way to write about my anger without saying names, places, etc. I wouldn't want to do that to them. So I'm going to try and keep my writings about myself, rather than the "other people" ... phew... I can see it already..<I'll get to that in a bit.

My name is kailan, and I have an anger problem.... (and a depression problem, but you already know that about me if you've read my other posts) uh.. I'm a mess... anywho. .. ehem....

I've been angry. I'm not talking about just disappointed, or irked. I'm talking REALLY really angry. The kind of angry that could get me into trouble. .... hey! not with the law, although... nevermind. anyway, more like getting me into trouble spiritually. God's pretty much scolded me on my behavior.

My actions haven't been so much the issue, it's more a heart issue. Do I feel wronged? Was I wronged? Heck yeah, buddy. I could tell you all about it, but I won't. That wouldn't be ladylike. and it wouldn't be bondservantish either... yes, I just made up a word. but you totally know what I mean, so I get away with it..:)

See? In my particular situation, I was wronged, the other party probably doesn't know about how they've wronged me or to what depths they've wronged me. I'm not sure the other party even likes me, I know they don't trust me. Which kind of hurts any friendship we may have had. So I remain with a painful relationship, no apologies, ..... ignorance has not been bliss..... but this is not my point in writing.

Even though I've gotten out of this wrong, for us, situation, I've been chewing on it ever since. Have you ever chewed on something so long that you are almost dreading swallowing it cause you're already gagging at the feeling of the mush in your mouth, and you know you're going to throw up if you keep it in there any longer??? Yeah.... I finally puked. It wasn't pretty. The ugly situation I was in, I was allowing it to make me ugly.

I didn't know what I wanted to happen. If he apologizes, I won't believe him. If he tries to befriend me now, I'll think it's out of pity or obligation. Do I just want him to know? How I feel? How he hurt me? How he's effected our family? or relationships? Do I hang on the solace of him knowing? Do I ought to cling to something like that? Is that right? I need resolve. How do I get through this anger with no resolve?.... something was eating away at me. something I was missing.

We've been visiting a couple different churches and I've been sitting in sermons that are just speaking to me. It's like God was making sure I was listening and getting what He was trying to tell me. First of all, I've gained perspective. The "Bigger" picture. You know... the kind of picture that shows me that one day I'm going to be standing in the face of God and none of this is going to matter. The kind of picture that shows me that one day I'll be standing beside this person, in fellowship together, worshiping God together in heaven. "Crap! He's my brother".... those words make me whine.....
(I know this is ugly, but honest)

As ignorant as he may or may not be, I am not. I know better. I know I need to forgive. When apologies are given they are for them to let go, not I. It's kind of like the respect thing. We respect people because that's what we are commanded to do, not because we deserve it. We deserve hell.... you do. I do. Jesus died and conquered that death, so we didn't have to. Do I deserve an apology? ... I deserve nothing...

(just a disclaimer on all this: this has been punching me in the stomach over and over, and it's taken months for me as I sat in my anger and finally come to all this.)

One pastor put it as so perfectly for me. It was like a final slap in the face. He said, "Sometimes our flesh may become offended by God." I literally ran that sentence over and over in my head. I was struggling so much with forgiveness. A forgiveness that I was being commanded to do. Something God was telling me to do and I wasn't doing it, because I felt he offended me too greatly. God was teaching me "the grace" lesson. Something my anal Law bound personality struggles with. And I was sticking my nose up, with my face turned away. ugly.... ugly... christian.... yeah..... that's me. And then I puked some more with the help of some close friends that didn't mind holding my hair back.

Then, one of my favorite pastors, said something that tied all these beatings together. (that's the only way I know how to describe it, cause this anger was so very painful, and it was taking painful truths to overcome it) He said, "Check your pride."

Man! There's that pride word again... How is it seriously prideful, when I've done nothing wrong, in fact I was the wronged one, and now I'm paying for it by getting sick and puking, and expecting him to.... to..... ??? Daaahhh! I don't even know how to explain it.... but all I knew is I was finally coming to the end of it...

My pride is holding onto a justice that isn't my call. My pride is fighting grace.

"Sometimes our flesh may be offended by God."

I'm learning some tough lessons. I feel like I have welts on my heart. But they will heal. Because the grace that I need to give him, is that very grace that I receive from God, that bleeds Love that produces grace because we are both equally that precious to Him.

That's a long sentence. Is that a run-on?

I feel better... I've missed Him.