To Whither Waves

wow... I haven't written in a while. I guess, I've gone longer before. I'm sure a slim few of you are wondering why I haven't written in a while... well... there's 2 reasons....

1. I'm gonna tell you a secret... I'm writing elsewhere.... :) I'm not very far into it, but I'm finally starting to write a book. a life long dream of mine, coming into reality as I type away about my life. I'm taking my experiences of all my trials and triumphs and putting them into a possibly 3 part book, "making the intangible tangible" (my interesting key phrase there). I don't know when it'll be done, but as I write into that book, it takes away from this blog, so forgive me, and thanks for your patience.

2. Aside of the fact that I'm writing elsewhere, there's a reason I'm not that far into it. I can't write about past experiences when I'm in my corner of depression, which has been coming in huge periodic waves the last few months. My corner leaves no room for concentration, which is vital for book writing.

It seems I have forgotten how to cope with stress. Stress has been a part of my life for a long time. (as you know, if you know me or have read through my blog) There are stressors I'm dealing with, insecurities that torment me, and my corner won't quit beckoning me. A friend pointed out to me that my corner is more like a cage, and I feel like I can't get out, even though the door is open. He is right.

My corner has a demon that lies to me, telling me my friends do not love me. It tells me how worthless I am, how useless I am. It makes me feel as if God has turned His back from me. I hate my corner even though I run to it. It comforts by torture, like begging to be whipped so it can end your guilt. But it never goes away.

I still feel the Spirit at work in me, giving me warnings, using me to help others, but then still.....
Just like the Jews in the old testament kept forgetting about God and worshiping idols, so I forget and run to my corner, my cage, ...listening to the lies.

I do not write these things to boast for some twisted entertainment,  I am quite ashamed of this. This is not me. This cage is not something of old, but has slyly shaped it's way into my quiet, isolated, introverted alone time that was meant for me to be with my King. It was meant to be my retreat, the place I go to rest and know that I am His. I know this angers Him more than it angers me. I'm being stolen and consenting to it.

I am in the middle of a battle ground.

I have a Sword. I have forgotten how to use it in these times. Why can't I remember to use it? Why am I forgetting?

As I have "played therapist" on myself..... I come to these conclusions. (huge thanks to my close friends that have put up with me through all this and have faithfully counseled me in love and great patience)

1. I'm crazy.....
   solution= (while patting myself on the head...) "That's ok. Everyone has a dose of crazy."
2. I'm being oppressed.... (observation from myself, however confirmed by some friends)
   solution= "use my God-given voice to speak out Truth, making any demon flee, keeping my focus on my Beloved, who is my real target."
3. I've noticed that when I started writing my book, writing more songs and continue to experience certain spiritual gifts that have been given me, the more I've been attacked.
   solution= "normal, to be expected... but not accepted." (I'll reiterate that now) I need to expect it, but not accept it. Why have I owned this dark corner? It was not made by someone who loves me, but by someone who wants to devour me. My Love did not shape this place for me, nor prepare it for me. I have been unfaithful. I have been seeking shelter underneath tissue paper. I have been holding the hand of a liar. I have been finding comfort in fire. I have been finding rest in the dragon's lair, as he waits for the right moment to bite. sounds a little like hell, doesn't it?

This trend needs to end. I need to find a way to calm these waves that send me running to my corner. I need to get back what was stolen. It will not be easy. It will be hard. very hard. I will need discipline. I will need prayer.

But most of all, I need to understand and embrace the Truth that God will not let me go. He will not give up on His bride. He is whispering my name and I hear His voice. Because He waits for me, I wait for Him. I am precious to Him and always will be, no matter what. I need to remember these things.

God, help me.


John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."