Pregnant Update: Wrestling With Hope and In The Thirties!!

To give an update about my progress with this stressful pregnancy... I must say, I ebb and flow over "doing well" and "not doing so well". Like a tide rushing in and then out, I have several days in a row where I feel better and contractions are normal (for a 6th pregnancy, at this point) and I feel hopeful. Then, I'll have several days in a row, where I'm back on survival mode with crazy contractions that tease the anxiety, leaving me to wonder what the next few days/weeks will look like.

This week, I will be 31 weeks. I'm very excited to see those numbers after being on this "modified" bedrest for... I don't even remember how long..  since 22 weeks? So that's 10 weeks of taking it extremely easy = modified bedrest = (for those that keep asking me what that means) no standing for long periods of time, no walking around for longer than 5 minutes, no carrying children, sitting as much as possible, and laying down when the contractions are really bad. I have been taking magnesium, which I believe is definitely making a difference, in light of that fact that I have those several days of "normalcy" at a time.

A couple weeks ago, I regained a new hope though. I must share some of this heart change. Earlier, dealing with all the contractions, I would sink into a depression. I would let it overcome me, believing lies of doom around the corner. I would become bitter about this unexpected pregnancy altogether, and then turn around and be bitter with myself for feeling that way. I have a healthy little girl inside me. I feel her move and her hiccups. I know her presence is going to bring me great joy, but usually great joy doesn't come with some perseverance. I have allowed myself to forget that because I convinced myself that I wouldn't have to do this again. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it makes sense in my own head.

Me with the birthday girl! 

  So, after talking with a dear cousin of mine and my hubby, I have decided to embrace a hope that I can feel in my gut and in my heart that this baby will be healthy. I will make it to term. My womb is closed until the proper time is right for it to open and allow this baby out. Maybe this baby will be a little bigger than my other ones? Maybe this one will thrive better than all my other ones?  I can not keep swallowing a fear as I go day to day. I can live in confidence that this time, like every time, will be, indeed different. I must trust God's ability to give me mercy. That doesn't mean the road to get there will be any easier, (oh my faithful husband) but we will get there, and I will hold my healthy baby girl in my arms and cry happy tears when I look upon her because of the joy her presence will bring me.

 I must admit the last several days have been rough with contractions, and I was tried. I had a few moments of fear and worry, but that's when I went to friends for encouragement, to hear their words of truth that I am being held and that God will give me mercy. The comfort of the Church.

I awoke this morning with a calmer belly, so I'm very thankful for that. I find it triumphant to get into my thirties with my weeks, but more so, I'm looking forward to getting as close as I can to Thanksgiving, because that's going to be the time of delivering a healthy baby. What a Thanksgiving gift! I look forward to it.

Sarah's Golden Birthday

Another year has passed and Sarah would've turned 7 this year. I love taking my mind to imagine what life would be like, having her around now. Teaming up with Eve, giving their big brother a hard time. But then... it leaves me in a reality that hurts. I force myself to remember that she's safe and that the children I do have here still, are healthy.

For her Golden Birthday this year, I put together a book that tells some of her story, making it easier for the kids to understand that she is real, that she lived and still lives. It's another gift I'm able to give. I love teasing the children's thoughts of heaven and that reality. How powerful it is to have someone close, like a sister, or a cousin who is strolling with our King already, to help us understand the realness of it all.



Sarah's Story:

"Today there’s a birthday, that we must always remember,

for there’s a little girl who was born in September.

With blonde hair, and blue eyes, and chubby cheeks,

if you walked in her sight, you could hear her little squeaks.

She was a good little girl that liked to blow raspberries,

because of her blue nose, we called her Blueberry.

Her name is Sarah, Princess is what it means,

sometimes she still likes to dance in our dreams.

To take her to heaven, God knew it was right.

Our hearts take comfort that she’s in His sight.

She has no more owies, nor bumps, nor tears.

No more hurt, no more pain, and no more fears.

God took her away on a December day

so He could have her with Him to play.

How will we get to her? Some of the kids had ideas.

Will a helicopter hat do? Maybe really big shoes?

No, just like Sarah, an angel will come

 to deliver us from this earth we are on,

And send us to heaven to see everyone

And she’ll be waiting to say, “finally, you’ve come!”

3 months and 10 days is all she lived on this earth

But we still like to come here to celebrate her birth.

So for now, she would like us to stay happy for her,

so grab a napkin and a yummy cupcake that’s near.

For today, September 7^th is when we get to remember

this sweet little girl who was born in September. "

We make little pictures and letters for Sarah to put in the balloons to send up. 

Josh read the story to everyone.

We sang "Happy Birthday"

Then let our balloons go. 

We watch them until they are gone. 

Then eat cupcakes :) 

The girls hard at work making Sarah's stone look nice. 

the end result :) 

Daddy and Naomi.