Pregnant Update: Wrestling With Hope and In The Thirties!!

To give an update about my progress with this stressful pregnancy... I must say, I ebb and flow over "doing well" and "not doing so well". Like a tide rushing in and then out, I have several days in a row where I feel better and contractions are normal (for a 6th pregnancy, at this point) and I feel hopeful. Then, I'll have several days in a row, where I'm back on survival mode with crazy contractions that tease the anxiety, leaving me to wonder what the next few days/weeks will look like.

This week, I will be 31 weeks. I'm very excited to see those numbers after being on this "modified" bedrest for... I don't even remember how long..  since 22 weeks? So that's 10 weeks of taking it extremely easy = modified bedrest = (for those that keep asking me what that means) no standing for long periods of time, no walking around for longer than 5 minutes, no carrying children, sitting as much as possible, and laying down when the contractions are really bad. I have been taking magnesium, which I believe is definitely making a difference, in light of that fact that I have those several days of "normalcy" at a time.

A couple weeks ago, I regained a new hope though. I must share some of this heart change. Earlier, dealing with all the contractions, I would sink into a depression. I would let it overcome me, believing lies of doom around the corner. I would become bitter about this unexpected pregnancy altogether, and then turn around and be bitter with myself for feeling that way. I have a healthy little girl inside me. I feel her move and her hiccups. I know her presence is going to bring me great joy, but usually great joy doesn't come with some perseverance. I have allowed myself to forget that because I convinced myself that I wouldn't have to do this again. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it makes sense in my own head.

Me with the birthday girl! 

  So, after talking with a dear cousin of mine and my hubby, I have decided to embrace a hope that I can feel in my gut and in my heart that this baby will be healthy. I will make it to term. My womb is closed until the proper time is right for it to open and allow this baby out. Maybe this baby will be a little bigger than my other ones? Maybe this one will thrive better than all my other ones?  I can not keep swallowing a fear as I go day to day. I can live in confidence that this time, like every time, will be, indeed different. I must trust God's ability to give me mercy. That doesn't mean the road to get there will be any easier, (oh my faithful husband) but we will get there, and I will hold my healthy baby girl in my arms and cry happy tears when I look upon her because of the joy her presence will bring me.

 I must admit the last several days have been rough with contractions, and I was tried. I had a few moments of fear and worry, but that's when I went to friends for encouragement, to hear their words of truth that I am being held and that God will give me mercy. The comfort of the Church.

I awoke this morning with a calmer belly, so I'm very thankful for that. I find it triumphant to get into my thirties with my weeks, but more so, I'm looking forward to getting as close as I can to Thanksgiving, because that's going to be the time of delivering a healthy baby. What a Thanksgiving gift! I look forward to it.