Too Many Irons In The Fire

It has been storming and raining for days. Today there was a good sized storm. Flooding and damage is occurring all around. And where am I? 

- sitting on the couch, playing Free Cell (I'm trying to beat my percentage of wins... I'm at 39%), eating snacks, and letting the kids watch TV. Usually Monday involves cleaning the faithful chaos that the weekends ensue, but today I feel like crap and it's raining.... so it's all good. 

I have been so busy (um... that may just mean away from my home) that I've had little time to enjoy all the storms. But today I sit in all it's beautiful gloom and let it wash over me. 

My wonderful Uncle called over the weekend. His timing is impeccable sometimes. He's a counselor so he knows all the right questions to ask and then I become like a fire hydrant. By the end of the conversation, I realized.... 

I've got issues. 

Ok, well.... I knew this, BUT the chronic stress in my life is catching up to me in a way that's changing my outlook on life. I've lost control over the way I deal with stress. I've become overwhelmed way too easily, most times over trivial things. 

Yes, I have 5 kids at home. That's hard. It's so hard. I'm home with them all. the. time. I love having been home with them, but being home with them is a different story. And frankly, they've been getting in the way of what I want or need to do. Yep. I admit it. That's how pitiful I sound about now. I told you, I've got issues. 

But I'm not totally crazy. Every woman in my shoes prays for a moment of peace to sit down to herself, to eat a snack without being attacked with begging, to take a bath, or better yet, go to the bathroom without playing referee.

But still I need to take care of me. My husband kindly pointed out one night of tears that I have too many irons in the fire. He said that this IS just a season and that I can take an iron out for now, but not have to keep it out forever. 

So... that's what I'm doing to help in the "Kailan's got issues" effort. I'm taking some iron's out. For now. So when I'm done with this season of life, I can put those irons back in because there will be room. So now my task is choosing wisely, which irons get to stay in and which ones need to come out? 

My hope in doing this is to bring some life back into me so I can quit feeling worthless because of my exhaustion. So I can make room for the little people that DO matter. So I can make more efficient room for myself.  

Do you have any irons you need to take out for now? 

 

"I will learn to love the skies I'm under." Mumford & Sons

The little people are EVERYWHERE!!! Protect yourself!!

Don't let this angelic picture fool you!! 

Overwhelmed.

I finally feel outnumbered with 5 kids at home. I like a clean house, but... for example, there's little boxes full of baby clothes sitting in the middle of the kids' room that is the youngest's temporary 'dresser' because it's just too much to keep up with the switching of clothes sizes as she rapidly grows. I finally got around to scraping the table off of nail polish from the 4 and 6 year old's practicing for womanhood. I felt like I had a clean house just by doing that. I managed to create a nook for myself and my husband in the porch. I'm proud to say we have enjoyed it, but letting the kids have free reign over house while we're in there may not be the best idea... it's a work in progress. My 2 year old is officially evil, making her demands as she sees fit. And my poor 9 year old (only) son is caught in the middle of it all. At least I have some company whilst we both look at each other and pull our hair out together.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without the supportive husband that I have. He sees the season of all this. He comes home from a stressful job to a crazy house and never seems to despise my need for help even when he's only been home for 42 seconds.

But it's hard. I'm not a little kid person. I know that sounds ironic because I have so many children, but it's true. My need for intellectual conversation is like an unquenchable thirst. My closest friends probably think it's either annoying or endearing as I constantly reach out with emails and messages, just to have some adult conversation, as I'm stuck at home most the time with these little people. I'm just gonna say they find it endearing, so I can keep my self-esteem up. Yeah... we'll go with that.

For some reason, I haven't been writing lately. I can feel it too. It's so therapeutic for me to write, so when I'm not writing, I'm not doing "well." I have so many things that I want to write about, it's overwhelming to know where to start. So I've made a list and am going to go through it, one by one, so you'll have to bear with me. My goal is to be better at consistency. But I know that it's so important to protect my "me time". That "thing" I like to do and find some healing in doing so. It has to be protected. It doesn't just come up and say, "Hey, guess what?! You are going to write today! Here, let me get my screen on and I'll get the chair underneath you so you can sit and write, so you have to do it. I'll even shut facebook off for you!" ..... I wish.

So to all the busy parents out there... protect your time. It's great spending time with your kids, but if you don't protect your retreat, that thing that you've found healing to you, that thing that de-stresses you... than you'll slowly be no good to those you love.

Here's a related, but unrelated picture of my strawberry blossoms this summer. (Related because my garden has also kept me busy, but I've successfully harvested SOMETHING from my garden. Yay. But unrelated because this post is not about strawberries, it's my pitiful excuse as to why I've been quiet lately.)

Swinging with the Pendulum. Time to Modify.

I love having older friends. You know the kind that are just ahead of you in life that they are able to bestow the wisdom they have to you. They know the struggles you are going through because it's likely... so did they, and it's still a fresh memory. You watch them "do life" and start dreaming of the day that THAT will be you.

.... that's where it gets tricky. These friends of ours are gold. But even gold, in all it's beauty and wealth can make you ugly when envy sets in.

I love my babies. I loved having babies. But my mental state is "so over" having babies. I'm so eager to start the next chapter in life. You know... the next chapter that doesn't involve feed, awake, sleep schedules. One that doesn't involve diapers and tip toeing to bed to NOT wake the baby sleeping in her bassinet. Even down to the toddler stage, I'm over it. I'm over the incomprehensible conversations/whining out of the mouth that feels the need to lick everything. The potty training. Oh, the potty training!! Then there's the tantrums and the "No! Don't lick that!" "Don't bite her!" "Touch nicely!" (while I'm pulling my hair out, convinced that I'm screwing this up because I have the worst toddler/s)

Thanks to my 9 year old, I am aware of the heart issues that lie in the next chapter. I'm sure it's going to be a mentally taxing ride of my life dealing with all those 5 hearts that I helped create. But I can't help but look at most of my friends (where their youngest is around 7 or 8) and think.. "Gosh, I can't wait."

We took our little (big) family camping one weekend recently. I said no way, but my husband desperately wanted us to try it. And well... he knows where my "push over" button is. We have 5 kids at home, ranging from 6 months old to 9 years old. Yeah. I know! It. Is. Crazy! And it was! We went. It failed. It was, in my terms, a disaster. But now we now, that even though we love camping, we just need to wait a little bit (with all our little critters) to try camping again. Just as we had packed everything up, after one night of defeat, I cried. Well ok... I do get over emotional when I've had so little sleep, but I wanted something different. I wanted time to just speed the hell up so we could do these things that others could. (I know this is a shallow story, but bear with me) (Oh... and kudos to those that camp all the time with little children and babies. You're awesome. And I'm just not so awesome. And I'm ok with that.)

As I cried my pathetic tears, all these ugly emotions started to drip from me. Trapped with 5 faces staring at me, needing so much from me, and I'm tired. I'm getting so incredibly worn. I have this flame within me that wants to get out so bad; to write, to read, to paint, to go walking on and on, to get involved in various things without worrying about babies to carry around, but that flame needs my time, my energy, things I don't have a lot of right now.

So what do I do?

I modify.

I keep that flame within me, knowing I can sneak it out from time to time, but we have to modify. I have no choice. I can not make time go any faster, and I'm sure years and years down the road when my youngest is moving out, I'll be all like, "Where did my baby go? I want my baby back!"

But we must modify and keep baby proofing things and it'll be fine. I'll be fine. These precious formative years are so important. And I need to embrace all these little hands holding my face to kiss me smack on the lips, even with all their drool.

I'm convinced that time goes at it's pace for it's reasons. And even though my older friends are on to the next chapter, I'm not finished with mine. I've got more pages to write. Their stories are so unique and you know what? My unique story is important too.

It's ok to dream about the next chapter. But I need to pay close attention to the now. Because the now is the ground work for the point that which I call a dream. (counting on some curve balls in there, of course) And I'm sure after all... the next chapter isn't going to be anything like I thought it would be.

And that could be a good thing or a bad thing...

I'm gonna go with the both/and theory there. ;)