Swinging with the Pendulum. Time to Modify.

I love having older friends. You know the kind that are just ahead of you in life that they are able to bestow the wisdom they have to you. They know the struggles you are going through because it's likely... so did they, and it's still a fresh memory. You watch them "do life" and start dreaming of the day that THAT will be you.

.... that's where it gets tricky. These friends of ours are gold. But even gold, in all it's beauty and wealth can make you ugly when envy sets in.

I love my babies. I loved having babies. But my mental state is "so over" having babies. I'm so eager to start the next chapter in life. You know... the next chapter that doesn't involve feed, awake, sleep schedules. One that doesn't involve diapers and tip toeing to bed to NOT wake the baby sleeping in her bassinet. Even down to the toddler stage, I'm over it. I'm over the incomprehensible conversations/whining out of the mouth that feels the need to lick everything. The potty training. Oh, the potty training!! Then there's the tantrums and the "No! Don't lick that!" "Don't bite her!" "Touch nicely!" (while I'm pulling my hair out, convinced that I'm screwing this up because I have the worst toddler/s)

Thanks to my 9 year old, I am aware of the heart issues that lie in the next chapter. I'm sure it's going to be a mentally taxing ride of my life dealing with all those 5 hearts that I helped create. But I can't help but look at most of my friends (where their youngest is around 7 or 8) and think.. "Gosh, I can't wait."

We took our little (big) family camping one weekend recently. I said no way, but my husband desperately wanted us to try it. And well... he knows where my "push over" button is. We have 5 kids at home, ranging from 6 months old to 9 years old. Yeah. I know! It. Is. Crazy! And it was! We went. It failed. It was, in my terms, a disaster. But now we now, that even though we love camping, we just need to wait a little bit (with all our little critters) to try camping again. Just as we had packed everything up, after one night of defeat, I cried. Well ok... I do get over emotional when I've had so little sleep, but I wanted something different. I wanted time to just speed the hell up so we could do these things that others could. (I know this is a shallow story, but bear with me) (Oh... and kudos to those that camp all the time with little children and babies. You're awesome. And I'm just not so awesome. And I'm ok with that.)

As I cried my pathetic tears, all these ugly emotions started to drip from me. Trapped with 5 faces staring at me, needing so much from me, and I'm tired. I'm getting so incredibly worn. I have this flame within me that wants to get out so bad; to write, to read, to paint, to go walking on and on, to get involved in various things without worrying about babies to carry around, but that flame needs my time, my energy, things I don't have a lot of right now.

So what do I do?

I modify.

I keep that flame within me, knowing I can sneak it out from time to time, but we have to modify. I have no choice. I can not make time go any faster, and I'm sure years and years down the road when my youngest is moving out, I'll be all like, "Where did my baby go? I want my baby back!"

But we must modify and keep baby proofing things and it'll be fine. I'll be fine. These precious formative years are so important. And I need to embrace all these little hands holding my face to kiss me smack on the lips, even with all their drool.

I'm convinced that time goes at it's pace for it's reasons. And even though my older friends are on to the next chapter, I'm not finished with mine. I've got more pages to write. Their stories are so unique and you know what? My unique story is important too.

It's ok to dream about the next chapter. But I need to pay close attention to the now. Because the now is the ground work for the point that which I call a dream. (counting on some curve balls in there, of course) And I'm sure after all... the next chapter isn't going to be anything like I thought it would be.

And that could be a good thing or a bad thing...

I'm gonna go with the both/and theory there. ;)