The Great Awaited Event

ok, these pictures are just a joke. I was probably somewhere around 5 cm when these were taken. You gotta have some fun while you're in labor, right?




Here's a more serious one, during a contraction.










Well, as soon as I was able to get off the drugs to stop labor, I went into labor... the day I turned 36 weeks. I had told everyone in the room, prior to my labor, that I wanted everyone out 30 min. after Eve was born, cause I didn't know how I was going to react. I figured being alone with Joshua and Eve, that that would enable me to cry as much as I wanted to, if need be, without everyone watching me, as they all were so intently doing. They respected my wishes all the same. Being in hard labor was rough, cause a part of me, didn't want her to be born just yet. I was scared. And then, of course, my body is saying, "Get this thing out of me!" It was out of my control, this was it, SHE was going to be born, and I still didn't have the answers to my questions.

Am I going to love her as much? Is she going to look like Sarah? Is that going to be a problem? What if she doesn't look like her? Is that going to be a problem? Will I ever sleep again? Will I breathe? Am I going to be able to even touch her? Or will I ever be able to put her down? I was all over the place. Because of my anxiety, my midwives suggested an anti-anxiety pill. Because I was so early, I didn't want to take it while I was pregnant, making sure that Eve's lack of lung development had nothing to do with something I had done. So we made an agreement to start it the day I had her, cause I didn't want to put her in danger of my emotions, if I couldn't control them.

It was time to push, after a good hard labor, it was time to meet the person that I feared. 3 min. of pushing brought forth this head that was covered in hair. (Isaiah and Sarah were both bald.) Everybody exclaimed how much hair she had before I could see, cause her body still had to emerge. One more push, and...... (I'm crying)
there she was, hoisted up onto my chest, was this beautiful little girl. There she is...... she doesn't seem so scary, I thought. Her hair! Where on earth did she come from? Her lips! So red and puckery. She was beautiful. Her nose..... that's Sarah's.... only Eve didn't have the humangioma on it. She was not Sarah. She looked like Sarah's sister....... they way she was supposed to be. They way she is... she is Sarah's sister. I took a deep breathe, cried, of course, I realized I could breathe. I realized I'm looking at a beautiful baby that God has allowed me to have, that she is truly a gift and nothing less. Just like I had to accept my Dad looking from heaven at all my blessings, I finally was able to start to accept the same with my Sarah.

Every one left as promised after 30 minutes. It was me, my husband and our new baby girl. We pointed out the things that looked like Sarah and Isaiah, and then the things that looked like just Eve. I was ok. I was at peace with everything happening. I can't explain it. God and only God, had given me the peace that surpassed my understanding, because I knew He would. I felt myself love this person I was afraid of. I felt myself adoring a little girl that was meant to be adored.... my third child... my second daughter. I felt so familiar to me, .... this love. I realized I love her like I love the others. This first moment was just as special to me as the others were, once she was in my arms. It became real to me, that she was another human being that God has trusted me with. Before I had her, I was scared to nurse her, thinking I'd fall apart. I was excited to nurse again. I realized that I had been really waiting to nurse again. She was a beautiful nurser. I cried happy tears. I thought of Sarah, and I missed her, but that wretching pain was lessened now that my arms were no longer empty.

Thank you God. Thank you, my Lord. You have filled my arms once again. Thank you.

I had taken my anti-anxiety pill, the nurse gave me, not knowing why I did. It was over, my anxiety was over. I took it for a few days and then stopped. I didn't need it. I had God's peace. I had another little one to take care of. And my healing was truly beginning. I was able to breathe a little easier, for the first time. I was reminded that there was truly life after death. I let everyone back into my life. Everyone celebrated with me. I was not left out.

I do remember one more fear that I had in my heart. That even though it was impossible for me to forget Sarah, that everyone else would forget. I feared that others would let Eve cover Sarah's memory. That they would just talk about Eve, and not ever mention Sarah. I made it a point to talk about Sarah often, so everyone knew that Sarah was still a part of our lives. Especially with Isaiah, which it's amazing cause he rarely gets the two mixed up, when we look at pictures. He knows exactly who is who.
She is still a part of our family. Her name is Sarah Layne Wing. and she will always be. And she too, is celebrating with me at the birth of her new little sister, Eve Nicole Wing, as the whole family is. It turned into the celebration that it was supposed to be.
I thank God for each of my children because they are all each great blessings in my life. I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. Which is what a mom should feel. I felt like a good mom again. And that felt good. (more tears) :)