Living in a Waiting

Watching Dad being incredibly sick was harder than words. Nobody knew what was going to happen the next week or month. All we knew was that there was this invisible ticking clock that we could hear and could not turn off. It wasn't us that turned it on. No power. No power to fix what was going wrong.

I remember one night, being closed up in my room, it was very late at night, I was half asleep, and I could hear Dad struggling, as if he were trying to vomit or maybe to breathe, but I could hear it. I could also hear my mom asking my Dad what she needed to do, in a panic. Then they left, without warning. I found out later that my Dad's long time suffering asthma was acting up so bad, and that he had not had his inhaler, for some reason. They ended up going to the store, down the block, and mom threw her purse at the manager, pleading for directions for an inhaler. Without paying for it, she ran to Dad and gave it to him. After he was able to breathe, she went back in, took her purse back, and paid for that life saving device. I remember feeling so guilty that I stayed in bed and did not help. Never again, will that happen, I thought. Even though it was not cancer-related, I remember thinking and asking God, "Isn't he suffering enough?"

I have a very charismatic uncle that came to our house to speak with us about the fact that if we had enough faith and prayed that it would heal him. With the groundedness that our family had, his message was not very well accepted. In fact, it felt like an accusation. We knew satan was just trying to put guilt in our hearts for not "having enough faith"

I have learned through my experience with Dad that there are people whom God decides to heal, but there are also people whom God decides to take. There are always reasons. Dad always taught us that.... for God.... if it means taking one life to save many others, or even just one.... then it's worth it to Him. I understood it when he said it, but knew the heartache that we were going to have to go through just for another's soul. That's what was hard to accept. It's hard to love others when grieving someone, BUT

In order to grieve successfully, you have to be selfless. Cause only then, can you find your "Why?"

As we went through all this, we knew people (souls) were watching us, seeing what we would do, watching our decisions, some waiting for us to fall, some holding us up so if we do fall... there will be little damage. I'm not sure if anyone was convinced that we would all push through this. Maybe a few who knew us really well. Like our close-knit family.

Although he was so sick, we still wanted to have as much fun with him as possible. So we'd go traveling, within Iowa, seeing places where he grew up, him telling us more stories.
At home he'd have to sleep quite a bit. He would get exhausted very fast. There was once where he was trying to fix our toilet (He's Mr. Fix-It) and he fell asleep doing it, right on the floor. We took a picture thinking it was funny, but at the same time... sad. He was weakening, never to return to the strong man he once was.... well not until he meets his Maker, that is.

There was unfinished remodeling in the basement that had to be finished. Dad was intent on making sure that got done, but knowing he could not do it. So he called his best friend, Uncle John Cratty, to come and take over. He brought more guys in to help, and the project got done before his eyes, satisfying that need to provide his family adequate rooms for his growing teenagers. It was a two bedroom house, but with those basement rooms it turned into a five bedroom. I remember him being so greatful to his faithful friend, as he watched Uncle John work like a dog. Dad told Uncle John to see to it that we are taken care of after he dies, and of course, he painfully agreed.

One of Dad's life verses, was from John 16:33, (NLT, Dad's bible)
"In this world, there will be tribulation, but be of good cheer for I have overcome the world."