Easter in the hospital

With Dad's surgeries and all, he was in the hospital quite a bit. We knew none of these surgeries would save him, but they would simply make less pain for him, or prolong the inevitable.

We spent his last Easter in the hospital. We went outside and did an easter egg hunt with the 3 grandchildren that he had. The only 3 that he would physically on earth be able to enjoy. There was Ashley, who was about 3 at the time. Then Madison, who we called Maddie, was 2, and then there was Dylan, who was just a baby about 5 months old by that time.
I always envied my sisters for what they were able to do with Dad. He was able to walk them down the aisle, and enjoy their babies being born. I, on the other hand, had no choice but to live with my reality, that I would not get those things with Dad here. But nevertheless I tried to enjoy Dad as much as I could, soaking up every moment with him, trying hard to engrave memories in my head, so I will never forget them. It's so hard looking into the eyes of someone you love so dearly, knowing that they will soon not be here with you anymore.

Ever since Dad got sick, I started really thinking about God and Jesus, and how real all of it is. As children, we just believe it so quickly cause that's what we were taught. But it's not till you come to a certain maturity that you start the ponder the reality of the spiritual world. Dad's being sick did that for me. I was realizing that this man that I love and do not want to let go of, will soon be standing in front of the face of God. That he will be dancing with Jesus. He will know things that none of us know here on Earth, cause he will be THERE. In Heaven, on that celestial shore.

I have lived with much fear cause I am one that thinks I'm never good enough. I'm constantly questioning my salvation, not because I haven't prayed the prayer with an honest heart, cause I have, but because of my doubt. I have some John the Baptist in me, and I have doubting Thomas in me. The John the Baptist in me will die by my principles, or His principles, I should say. And the doubting Thomas in me, questions not necessarily God but myself. Am I truly saved? Am I going to be the one that stands on Judgement Day, thinking that I'm in, and HE sends me away, saying, "Depart from me, I never knew you." ?? You would think that with all the energy I waste pondering my own worth, that I would not doubt. I just doubt in a different way, I guess.
I've had to come to the conclusion that;
First off, I do believe there is God, and Jesus is the Son of God, and there's the Holy Spirit, and I anally believe that I shall obey His commandments and try to daily.
I think where I get off track is my heart. My heart is not always so loving. Sometimes it is hard for me to love. And THAT is what makes me feel like I am not good enough. Because as the ever-so-popular verses read in 1 Corinthians 13: "if I do not love I am nothing."
Satan tells me lies.... that I am nothing.....
but he has no power over me. ...... when Jesus died on that cross, for my sins, and then rose again to his new life while defeating death....... my Savior made it so Satan has no power over me.

I need to get over myself, thinking about me, and keep my eyes on my King, for I am His bond servant forever.