This earthly world, full of love and hurt, family, my children, and my husband ~verses~
A spiritual world, full of Love and Discipline, family, my siblings, and my Bridegroom
Which am I supposed to live? Do they co-exist? How? How do I place my value in the second, but live in the first?
It just seems that God's given us this window to look through, to get a glimpse of what it will be like when we finally get to be with Him. But there's a problem I've been struggling with.
It's just a window. This window is old, the glass is warped, the frame is cracked, and the paint on the frame is mostly worn off. This window is my Ketubah.
In Jewish culture, to my understanding, a ketubah is a marriage contract. In this contract it states the price of the bride, the right of the bride, and the promise of the groom. I find it most interesting that the life cycles of us human's traditions is how Jesus identifies with us and ultimately... how He steals our hearts away. Some would say that the Ketubah for us today, spiritually speaking, is our bible. I would agree. The picture I paint above with the window is my worn marked up earthly bible showing me spiritual Truths. Truths of who He is, Truth of who I am, and Truth of His promise to me when we are finally able to be together. The very pages made of paper from my bible suffer as much wear as I do, just from age alone.
It's no secret here, that I've seen very dark days these passed several months. I think it's safe for me to say that I've been oppressed for about a year. I was suffering. My kids were healthy, my husband was working a job where he is very loved, and I was suffering greatly, inside myself. Guilt gripped me for this. I would look at other's situations and try and find that thankfulness that it wasn't me in those situations. (God knows I've had my share of it)
When there is internal grief, it comes with a promise that it will surface, and will surprise you as to how it surfaces.
I was in my own little world, my own cage of oppression feeling so worthless, unvalued, and I couldn't understand why. I starting failing at almost everything I attempted to do, or so it seemed, but I couldn't shake it. Why?
It wasn't until I saw the outward effects of my husband failing, that I opened my eyes. I was spiritually, mentally asleep and I felt hands on both my shoulders, violently shaking me awake. My first impulse, like anyone being awakened in this manner, is either to scream or to punch.... I punched. I woke up angry and ready to fight. Much to my shame, my poor husband could not dodge my fighting either. I was angry. I was angry at his depression because of what it was doing to the whole household and he wasn't getting the help he needed. My only act of kindness to him was setting him up with people I trusted to take care of him. I'm not proud of how I was acting and I was still catching my breath from being woken like that. (and to be honest... still learning how to breathe again)
As time passed.... (a week?) a started to calm down. As I calmed down, things became clear to me.
My husband's depression took him from me. I would talk to him about my depression and he would listen, but didn't know how to respond to me. (him being a natural counselor, this was out of his character) Because he shut the world off, and in consequence, shut me off.... I instantly felt that he didn't love me, value me, hold me as precious.. none of these things. My corner (my cage of oppression) was created because of these very emotions. I had put so much stock into how he saw me or how he held me that if I felt he didn't love me, I instantly felt I was sure I was unloved. (not just by him, but by everyone, including God Himself)
I couldn't understand why God has us go through these motions... of getting married, being one with another human being, birthing babies, and having those babies walk around the earth with a piece of our hearts... when nothing of this world is permanent. When I die, I'm not going to be married, or a mother.... and yet, I'm giving my life for such things, and am commanded to do so. For what?!
I would hold my Ketubah and see only the frame.... and thought... 'If only I could break the frame, will this world go away? and let me be permanently on the other side?'
Then my Bridegroom whispered in my ear.... 'you must find your value in Me alone.'
I have been learning things about myself. I'm obsessed with my husband. :) Partly in a good way, but I take it to the extreme. I hang on his thoughts and feelings of me. I know he loves me very much, and I know he'd die for me and this family we've created together. But I can not hang my value on his value of me. Because ultimately, I'm not his bride. I am his earthly bride, but in the end, the Beloved that waits for me is not him.
I MUST find my value in my Beloved. God has commanded me to be wife to this man, and mother to these children, but I must find my value in Him.
I'm also learning what my Beloved's love looks like here on earth. When my husband loves me, or my children, that is His love shown to me. For another example, my singing... I use it for Him, but He is the true Giver of my voice in the first place, it was His gift to me, that is His love shown. I'm seeing so much more clearly now...
I'm still learning my value in Him, and I think that may even be a life long process. I need to read my Ketubah with an accepting heart that these promises, this sacrifice was for me, as well as the world. And that even though my husband may not always see me...... my Beloved, faithfully, always will.
Maybe for you it's also a spouse, maybe not. Maybe it's a father, or a mother that has made claim to your value in this world.
My husband is still learning the roots of his own depression, and his eyes have lifted as well. He sees me and that makes my heart swell and that burned my "corner" to the ground. I know I must tread carefully, because he won't always be there to do that. We are working on "us" again, bringing us back towards each other.
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| photo taken by Aimee Wells . |
Wonderful insight.
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