Horses and Heartbeats

I'm a stubborn woman. I know. Big surprise there. When I set my mind to accomplish something, I either get it done, or I realize near the end how much it sucks and throw my work out completely... yeah. I'm also a perfectionist. Because of my perfectionism, I have the ability to change my mind as quick as a flash... when needed. But in this instance, horse back riding for the first time in my life was something I was not prepared to give up. Having planned this for months, and then getting very very sick with this surprise pregnancy, I wasn't willing to give it up. So I did it anyway. .... yes... I was very careful. :) 

I was nervous the whole time I was on this animal with a mind of it's own, but I needed to move past that at some point of my life. Plus, I'm writing a story that has horses in it... so I should probably try and get on a horse in real life, right? Hidalgo was his name and he was very sweet to me, obeying his master Emily as she carefully kept hold of the reigns for me... baby steps... ;) We had a great time. The hubs and the kids got on him too. The kids can't stop talking about the experience. It's already set in their imagination at home that they own horses of their own. I love it. 

My handsome husband :) 

It was interesting hearing Emily's story about how horses helped her overcome fear. She confessed to me that she too was, like me, afraid to get on horses, but she made herself get on and get over her fear and now she works in the stables, and trains her horse Hidalgo and by overcoming that, she has been able to move passed several fears. What a beautiful testimony. How God's creatures can help heal us if we allow them to and how fighting fear by do the thing that makes us fearful, can help us overcome that crippling anxiety that sucks the life out of us. This beautiful young woman taught me a great lesson on life. Even though I've known this truth and have acted on such standards before, I needed to be reminded and humbled that I need to do it again. When it was my turn to ride Hidalgo, by body stayed tense, and no matter how much I tried to relax, I couldn't do it. I kept self talking myself to relax, but to no avail, I remained tense. After I got off, I didn't see it as a failure, because I did get on that horse after all, and I know that (when I'm not pregnant anymore) that I'll get back on again, and try again. Hidalgo did great with all my nerves, to which I was very thankful for. 

This story, I don't bring up simply to tell of my wonderful horse riding experience, but to confess, I'm finally coming to terms with this pregnancy. I know I need to face my fears, once again, so I can let this experience heal this part of my life. 

I am thankful to God that I've stopped spotting. However I'm not so thankful that I'm still very very sick all the time, all day long, and I'm not very good company at all right now.... sorry friends. However, I finally got to see the baby days ago, and hear that precious heartbeat for the first time. I soon as I saw that heart moving on the screen and then the tech switched on the sound, filling the room with this precious heartbeat going 150 beats per minute, tears filled my eyes and it all came seeping in... "I'm going to have a baby.... that's my baby....." 

Being miserable still makes it hard to see anything clear right now. I can't write, I can't play my music, I can't read..... so Mine Sweep it is! ... to sweep my mind away... hahah... I'll survive this part, and then it'll be go time. 

Thank you to all my friends and family especially that have reached out to be God's provision for us in this difficult time of "Mom Is Down". I know. It should have a medical title or something... I think it secretly is. 

What's going on with your family? Oh, M.I.S. huh? I'm so sorry, I will pray for you. Is there anything we can do? 

Painful Blessings Part 2: Iron and Joy

Miscarriage of Justice by Lina Scarfi

The week before last, I posted about a woman close to me that had a miscarriage. Most of you know that this woman is my sister in law. For those of you that didn't know that, now you do. For those of you who know her, when you see her, no words are needed, a huge hug will suffice, bringing her more comfort than any words can right now. She knows the Truth, and right now that Truth is telling her to "be still".





The day after I posted that very post, I found out some surprising, terrifying news.... I'm pregnant. I watched my pee run across that paper and that very line appeared so fast, I said a naughty word and yelled for my husband. He came running over to me and the moment that man touched me, I burst into tears.

I thought I may have had the flu, but then I realized, I hadn't really "started" yet, so that's what brought me to take the test in the first place. This was the first time that I really really really was NOT planning on getting pregnant. "Our plan" was to wait a FEW YEARS, letting my body get it's much needed rest, and my mental state (with all the depression as you know) continue to heal.... and THEN we would decide IF we wanted another one or go ahead with a small surgery that would put a stop to the madness.

So... to say I was surprised, is an understatement. This was terrifying news to me. I've had mostly very rough stressful pregnancies and infants with said pregnancies, doing all I could just to get to term, and in the end, not being able to nurse my last two, because of my body being uncooperative and my inability to cope with said stress along with struggling infants in some form... At the point of finding out this news (sorry for any TMI but...) I had been spotting for 9 days. So my worry already for this little surprise was already climbing...to which I'm still spotting and it's been 18 days. (so far, the doc. says that everything is showing fine, I'll be seeing him again soon) As we sat in the doctor's office waiting for tests to see if baby was ok, I told Josh that I can't handle anymore heartache and that we have to be done after this, no matter what happens.

 And last, but certainly NOT least.... my sister in law...

Almost all I could think about was her. How cruel it was to get pregnant on the wake of her losing hers. Not that this was on purpose by NO means. (we were "very careful") But I thought, "Why, God? Why would You bring me to this pregnancy now?! Not only do I not want to be pregnant for good reason, but while my sister is grieving the loss of hers?! Why now??" I was devastated at this situation. It sickened me like you wouldn't believe. I cried so hard for this dagger that I had in my hands, by force, that I knew I'd have to drive in her back. How was I to tell her? How could I give her such news? I was the one that was comforting her and now I'm the one that has to deliver more pain? We would've been a week apart in our pregnancies together.

I cried until I suffocated. I knew the Truth. "God is in control." "God knows what He's doing" but I've learned with all my experience, that just because He knows what He's doing, doesn't guarantee no suffering. In fact, most of the time, because of our sinful natures, you can almost guarantee suffering, and stretching, and learning, and pain, and gain, and ultimately healing. "It gets worse before it gets better" is what I'm told with a healing wound. How is this any different?And I think that ones that have lost close loved ones, as we have, know more that "God is in control" more than anyone, because we are painfully aware of how much control we don't have.  I need a heart change, and my sister in law needs healing.

My husband (her brother) and her mother were the ones that sat with her and told her the news. I couldn't bring myself to do it myself, so they did it. I received a call from her shortly after their meeting. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I was of her.

It was like she looked at that dagger that was in my hands and took it from me. She carefully picked out a favorite color of ribbon, used the dagger to cut it at just the right length, and then wrapped that ribbon around me to make a beautiful bow to adorn this blessing that now lies within me.

Her attitude humbled me. It humbled me more than anything has in a long time. She knew me well enough to know that I was struggling with the pregnancy in and of itself. She remembered our talks about it months ago. She also knew I loved her and wouldn't ever want to hurt her. In all her grief, she remembered me. But more importantly, she chose to make this situation help heal her. Although we are both aware that there will be the "hard days" to swallowing this reality, she is looking forward to living vicariously through this pregnancy. She even went as far as to tell me that she counted it a joy to know that she'd still be able to hold a baby in November. (I can't even type that without crying)

Her positive attitude put my pessimism to shame. Here, she has every right to be bitter and hide away from me, who is "with child", instead of making it hurt her, she "is choosing to let it heal" her. (her words) What a lesson I learned that night!

She wasn't going to let anything steal her joy... and neither should I. With all my fears, with all my struggle, neither should I let anything steal that joy.

I beg of you to watch this video in it's entirety. This song is amazing and the woman that sings it explains her heart over the song in this video before she sings it live. Every time I listen to this song, it brings tears to my eyes because I have felt the Truth in it, in the past, and I feel it now. The bridge that she wrote into the song says, "I can't understand, and I can't pretend, that this will be alright in the end. So I'll try my best and lift up my chest, to sing about this joy."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_hKSw4wHrI

Over Easter weekend, God showed me the joy I can cling to in the fact that my children do bring me great joy and that I wouldn't trade them for any kind of easy pain-free happiness, because they are who they are because of what our family has been through. Isaiah, my 8 year old, was baptized by his father. Isaiah knows the Truth, and proclaimed that Truth in his baptism and watching him made my heart ache in a good way.

Here's the recorded version of this song "Joy" by Page CXVI

~love you Samantha.