Horses and Heartbeats

I'm a stubborn woman. I know. Big surprise there. When I set my mind to accomplish something, I either get it done, or I realize near the end how much it sucks and throw my work out completely... yeah. I'm also a perfectionist. Because of my perfectionism, I have the ability to change my mind as quick as a flash... when needed. But in this instance, horse back riding for the first time in my life was something I was not prepared to give up. Having planned this for months, and then getting very very sick with this surprise pregnancy, I wasn't willing to give it up. So I did it anyway. .... yes... I was very careful. :) 

I was nervous the whole time I was on this animal with a mind of it's own, but I needed to move past that at some point of my life. Plus, I'm writing a story that has horses in it... so I should probably try and get on a horse in real life, right? Hidalgo was his name and he was very sweet to me, obeying his master Emily as she carefully kept hold of the reigns for me... baby steps... ;) We had a great time. The hubs and the kids got on him too. The kids can't stop talking about the experience. It's already set in their imagination at home that they own horses of their own. I love it. 

My handsome husband :) 

It was interesting hearing Emily's story about how horses helped her overcome fear. She confessed to me that she too was, like me, afraid to get on horses, but she made herself get on and get over her fear and now she works in the stables, and trains her horse Hidalgo and by overcoming that, she has been able to move passed several fears. What a beautiful testimony. How God's creatures can help heal us if we allow them to and how fighting fear by do the thing that makes us fearful, can help us overcome that crippling anxiety that sucks the life out of us. This beautiful young woman taught me a great lesson on life. Even though I've known this truth and have acted on such standards before, I needed to be reminded and humbled that I need to do it again. When it was my turn to ride Hidalgo, by body stayed tense, and no matter how much I tried to relax, I couldn't do it. I kept self talking myself to relax, but to no avail, I remained tense. After I got off, I didn't see it as a failure, because I did get on that horse after all, and I know that (when I'm not pregnant anymore) that I'll get back on again, and try again. Hidalgo did great with all my nerves, to which I was very thankful for. 

This story, I don't bring up simply to tell of my wonderful horse riding experience, but to confess, I'm finally coming to terms with this pregnancy. I know I need to face my fears, once again, so I can let this experience heal this part of my life. 

I am thankful to God that I've stopped spotting. However I'm not so thankful that I'm still very very sick all the time, all day long, and I'm not very good company at all right now.... sorry friends. However, I finally got to see the baby days ago, and hear that precious heartbeat for the first time. I soon as I saw that heart moving on the screen and then the tech switched on the sound, filling the room with this precious heartbeat going 150 beats per minute, tears filled my eyes and it all came seeping in... "I'm going to have a baby.... that's my baby....." 

Being miserable still makes it hard to see anything clear right now. I can't write, I can't play my music, I can't read..... so Mine Sweep it is! ... to sweep my mind away... hahah... I'll survive this part, and then it'll be go time. 

Thank you to all my friends and family especially that have reached out to be God's provision for us in this difficult time of "Mom Is Down". I know. It should have a medical title or something... I think it secretly is. 

What's going on with your family? Oh, M.I.S. huh? I'm so sorry, I will pray for you. Is there anything we can do?