bondservant by blood: Painful Blessings Part 2: Iron and Joy

Miscarriage of Justice by Lina Scarfi

The week before last, I posted about a woman close to me that had a miscarriage. Most of you know that this woman is my sister in law. For those of you that didn't know that, now you do. For those of you who know her, when you see her, no words are needed, a huge hug will suffice, bringing her more comfort than any words can right now. She knows the Truth, and right now that Truth is telling her to "be still".

The day after I posted that very post, I found out some surprising, terrifying news.... I'm pregnant. I watched my pee run across that paper and that very line appeared so fast, I said a naughty word and yelled for my husband. He came running over to me and the moment that man touched me, I burst into tears.

I thought I may have had the flu, but then I realized, I hadn't really "started" yet, so that's what brought me to take the test in the first place. This was the first time that I really really really was NOT planning on getting pregnant. "Our plan" was to wait a FEW YEARS, letting my body get it's much needed rest, and my mental state (with all the depression as you know) continue to heal.... and THEN we would decide IF we wanted another one or go ahead with a small surgery that would put a stop to the madness.

So... to say I was surprised, is an understatement. This was terrifying news to me. I've had mostly very rough stressful pregnancies and infants with said pregnancies, doing all I could just to get to term, and in the end, not being able to nurse my last two, because of my body being uncooperative and my inability to cope with said stress along with struggling infants in some form... At the point of finding out this news (sorry for any TMI but...) I had been spotting for 9 days. So my worry already for this little surprise was already climbing...to which I'm still spotting and it's been 18 days. (so far, the doc. says that everything is showing fine, I'll be seeing him again soon) As we sat in the doctor's office waiting for tests to see if baby was ok, I told Josh that I can't handle anymore heartache and that we have to be done after this, no matter what happens.

And last, but certainly NOT least.... my sister in law...

Almost all I could think about was her. How cruel it was to get pregnant on the wake of her losing hers. Not that this was on purpose by NO means. (we were "very careful") But I thought, "Why, God? Why would You bring me to this pregnancy now?! Not only do I not want to be pregnant for good reason, but while my sister is grieving the loss of hers?! Why now??" I was devastated at this situation. It sickened me like you wouldn't believe. I cried so hard for this dagger that I had in my hands, by force, that I knew I'd have to drive in her back. How was I to tell her? How could I give her such news? I was the one that was comforting her and now I'm the one that has to deliver more pain? We would've been a week apart in our pregnancies together.

I cried until I suffocated. I knew the Truth. "God is in control." "God knows what He's doing" but I've learned with all my experience, that just because He knows what He's doing, doesn't guarantee no suffering. In fact, most of the time, because of our sinful natures, you can almost guarantee suffering, and stretching, and learning, and pain, and gain, and ultimately healing. "It gets worse before it gets better" is what I'm told with a healing wound. How is this any different?And I think that ones that have lost close loved ones, as we have, know more that "God is in control" more than anyone, because we are painfully aware of how much control we don't have. I need a heart change, and my sister in law needs healing.

My husband (her brother) and her mother were the ones that sat with her and told her the news. I couldn't bring myself to do it myself, so they did it. I received a call from her shortly after their meeting. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I was of her.

It was like she looked at that dagger that was in my hands and took it from me. She carefully picked out a favorite color of ribbon, used the dagger to cut it at just the right length, and then wrapped that ribbon around me to make a beautiful bow to adorn this blessing that now lies within me.

Her attitude humbled me. It humbled me more than anything has in a long time. She knew me well enough to know that I was struggling with the pregnancy in and of itself. She remembered our talks about it months ago. She also knew I loved her and wouldn't ever want to hurt her. In all her grief, she remembered me. But more importantly, she chose to make this situation help heal her. Although we are both aware that there will be the "hard days" to swallowing this reality, she is looking forward to living vicariously through this pregnancy. She even went as far as to tell me that she counted it a joy to know that she'd still be able to hold a baby in November. (I can't even type that without crying)

Her positive attitude put my pessimism to shame. Here, she has every right to be bitter and hide away from me, who is "with child", instead of making it hurt her, she "is choosing to let it heal" her. (her words) What a lesson I learned that night!

She wasn't going to let anything steal her joy... and neither should I. With all my fears, with all my struggle, neither should I let anything steal that joy.

I beg of you to watch this video in it's entirety. This song is amazing and the woman that sings it explains her heart over the song in this video before she sings it live. Every time I listen to this song, it brings tears to my eyes because I have felt the Truth in it, in the past, and I feel it now. The bridge that she wrote into the song says, "I can't understand, and I can't pretend, that this will be alright in the end. So I'll try my best and lift up my chest, to sing about this joy."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_hKSw4wHrI

Over Easter weekend, God showed me the joy I can cling to in the fact that my children do bring me great joy and that I wouldn't trade them for any kind of easy pain-free happiness, because they are who they are because of what our family has been through. Isaiah, my 8 year old, was baptized by his father. Isaiah knows the Truth, and proclaimed that Truth in his baptism and watching him made my heart ache in a good way.