For Better AND Worse

It's amazing how those vows could be misleading... for better OR worse? Let's try saying better AND worse. Because every married couple knows... there are better times, and there are worse times... and we embrace both in order to truly fulfill our commitment to each other.

I adore my husband. I love him, maybe obsessively too much... however... that's not what makes marriage work. When marriage works, Love is exactly what it reflects, but it's how we get there is the real journey. It's commitment.

"I do."

Not "I'm gonna", not "I've done", "only if you are nice to me".... no... It's "I do".

That's an ongoing vow. " to do" is to presently, every moment "do" commitment.

It's because of this commitment that we love.

I've always known marriage to reflect God's relationship with us. He's been "committed" to us. In all our sin and ugliness and us throwing adult-sized tantrums... He's committed... period. Why? Because He loves us. In fact, He loved us first. How do we love Him back? By staying committed.

I asked Josh last night if I've been a bitch. (excuse my language) He smiled that nervous smile, with wholehearted honesty and with as much kindness as he could muster..
 "Yes, you've had your moments of acting like one."

"Ok. I know that, but has it been a general thing for me lately?" I pressed.

"Ever since [our last big trial with life] you've been different. I know you're irritated being on bedrest again and I understand that. But other bedrests have not been this hard for you. You are different this time and have been different." he responded.

I knew what he was talking about because I could feel the honesty of it in my bones. I am different. I hated it. Yes, I'm pregnant.. again... but my fuse is shorter, my mouth is looser, my tolerance is so much less, and I can't seem to shake this anger that creeps up with memories of painful things. I was really kinda hat'in on myself. Some recent things have happened that have reminded me of why I've been mad at certain people or certain situations. So needless to say, I'm reminded of it's ugliness and what living through it has done to me, changing me.... for the worse?

Then I wake up this morning to a couple encouraging messages from various people, reminding me how awesome I am.. haha... But really, it forced me to explore why they thought these things. Here I am, admitting I've been a bitch and people will encourage me on my attitude in supporting others the way I have. It's then I realized... because of [what happened] (I know.. the secrecy may be killing you but that's all I can give you publicly) I have changed... but not JUST for worse... but for the better too. Worse AND better.

My eyes are so much more open now. Open to seeing how people are treated, not just by anyone, but by the Church as well. How judgement has overcome Love when dealing with people. (not that I'm saying we shouldn't hold each other accountable, I'm talking about something different)  I'm more sensitive to what God's love really feels like, what it really looks like, and how it really ought to be shown by us, by the Church, by humanity. I've become frustrated with certain doctrine that unwittingly puts us in a box that we can't get out of... or a box that we can't get into.

Now, if I see a jerk, I may call them a jerk. Don't get me wrong, my spunk honesty has not left me, in fact it may be stronger. However... I'm able to take people for their own special circumstances and love them and support them where they are. Because I've learned their growth does not depend on me doing it for them. We're only called to Love and that means supporting people, caring for them, meeting needs, and letting God do the rest.

Needless to say, I need to work on my mouth and how I deal with anger and memories, but I am grateful that another veil has been lifted from my eyes.

For better AND worse, I am in this. I have made this commitment.

I wear His ring.