Satisfied: Last Dedication

Last Sunday, our family had our last babies dedicated. 

It was such a weird dynamic, standing together as our little family of 7 (secretly 8), in front of a body of believers that are still new to us. As we scrambled to gather our children to all stand nicely at our side so the church can concentrate on what was about to happen, I couldn't help but think of all we've been through as a family and all that we are presently going through. I kept thinking how this was the last dedication for our little unit.  

As I sit here and write about it, I'm remembering all the others. Isaiah's dedication was interesting because we were in a Lutheran church getting our baby dedicated and not baptized. Instead they anointed his head with oil and prayed over him. What a blessing he's been to us, having the mind and thought process that he has, all the theological discussions, I can't even count the times. He truly is a "man after God's own heart" (the meaning of Isaiah's name)

We didn't get a chance to dedicate Sarah before she died. But in a way, I don't grieve that part as much because her death was like the ultimate dedication. Of course, no where did I give my consent, but that's the beauty of it. The reminder that they are only on loan to us after all.  The way I am able to honor such a dedication is by sharing her story and giving that Love to people that need it with the utmost empathy only one that has gone through it can give.  What a "princess" she truly is. (the meaning of Sarah's name) 

Eve wouldn't let the pastor hold her during the prayer. She stayed in mommy's arms. Such raw emotions fighting the urge to hold her tight and never let her go, after losing Sarah. I had to commit to embracing God's control along with His Love at the same time. This little girl's arrival has stretched me in ways I didn't know I needed to be stretched, in ways I didn't see coming. But we were made new... again. We journeyed through our "new beginnings" with her arrival. (the meaning behind Eve's name) 

Teshura... oh Teshura. She let the pastor hold her, in all her fight and pain she went through, there is so much deep love inside of her, so deep, it's usually hard to tap into. ;) Again stretching me with my emotions, her trials only brought, and continue to bring, our young family that much closer together. What a true "gift of God" she really is. (the meaning of Teshura's name) 

Then there's Naomi and Ruth. They were dedicated together (last Sunday) and they have brought that much more healing to our family. I had certain emotional scars that these 2 surprises brought healing to. It will be interesting what they continue to bring to our family. Naomi lives up to her name, meaning "beautiful" and "pleasant" (most of the time). Of course, she looks exactly like me! Ha! And Ruth, there are several meanings to her name, but my favorites are "companion" and "friend". She is 2 months old now and I can't wait to see her personality blossom. But the ultimate favorite meaning of her name is "satisfied". 

For I am satisfied with all these babies that I have. I am overwhelmed with raising 5 of them, disciplining 5 of them, feeding 5 of them, schooling 5 of them, getting them to bed is almost comical as they each come with 5 hugs and 5 kisses and 5 drinks of water (assuming Ruth will follow suit when a little older). I know one day I will miss doing everything 5 times.  

When it comes to my babies, I am satisfied. 

the Wingdings

We're Not Worthy! We're Not Worthy!

I keep hearing the term.. "I deserve this... " or "until he deserves me..." or "if he's worthy of your respect..." These kinds of phrases have always rubbed me the wrong way for as long as I can remember the conviction of it.

I would always walk around calling myself, "the walking curse." (I've been clean from that for 1 year now. woot!) But that mentality wasn't ALL poisonous as it may have seemed... I mean, I was using it punch myself in the face, knowing there's another punch around the corner. Of course, you can't deny that life has curve balls and obstacles almost at every corner. But the problem was, I didn't see myself as "His beloved." I saw myself as Ugly. Cursed. Abandoned.

So you can imagine that any time someone would say, "Yes, Kailan, you deserve a break!" "You deserve this..." "You deserve that..." I'd nod and smile, but think... I'm ugly, unworthy, undeserving, ... oh and a curse!

So I've dropped "the walking curse" label as of recently and am trying to now say to myself, "I am beloved."

But the words "deserving" or "worthy" always still gets to me. I was reading a quote recently that talked about how a woman will follow a man that is worthy of her respect. I was also reading someone writing about how they deserve better, and that this person doesn't deserve them... and so forth...

That first quote was from a pretty famous Christian that many follow. It irked me. I was irked...

What a standard to live by! Will that man ever truly deserve her respect? Will I ever deserve my husband's love? Will I ever get to that standard of living where I will achieve such a worthiness of gaining his love? Does he only love me because I deserve it?

(excuse me while I laugh for writing such a ridiculous question with that last one... )

Of course he doesn't love me because I deserve it. I don't deserve his patience, his respect, his forgiveness, or his love. But he gives it because I'm simply that precious to him... for some reason.  God, I love that man!

There is only one person that actually deserves our love and respect. Who is actually Worthy.

Yep.. the big Man Himself.

I am not Him. My husband is not Him. Neither of us will ever be Him.

I've come to the conclusion that no human being can achieve such worthiness.

(Gosh kailan, this is kinda depressing.. I get it, we aren't worthy or deserving.. we are pieces of shite.)

But that's the beauty of it. (Warning: churchy answer here.) We get Love regardless of our undeserved-ness and unworthiness.

So why love and respect other undeserving human beings? If I don't deserve it, they don't either, right?

Right.

But we love and respect because that's what we are called to do. The One who IS deserving and worthy of it, is telling us to love and respect eachother. 

period.

I See Her.

Over the holidays, I've seen so many family and friends, it seemed endless as I hugged and talked to people one by one. I am blessed.

People ask me how I've gotten through certain things... it's really no wonder when you look at the size of my family and see the chemistry of silly-ness, music, art, intelligence, dark humor, light humor, all wrapped up into a Christian burrito.

...

I hope that made sense.

Anyway. Moving on. I saw a familiar face during all these festivities. But not only was it familiar because I knew the person, but because her eyes took a familiarity that reminded me of myself starting about 2 years ago. My oppressed self. I saw her. I saw it in her eyes.

I listened to her story about how life is going right now for her and I could hear things that she was saying like an echo from things I had said in the past. Even down to the phrase, "Nothing you can say will help me." This is true in a lot of circumstances. Words do only hold so much water when you are down and out. But this was different. This is coming from an apathy that truly only God can touch.

It's funny, because I felt an empathy to her apathy and still, felt I couldn't reach her. When you are in that deep, it's hard to feel anything. It's hard to sympathize with people. She already knows the Truth, but what she's seeing, right now, is another truth,...

Life.
Sucks.

Doesn't matter how good your heart is. Or how good your intentions are or were. Or how hard you work. People get hurt. And it seems endless.

Life.
Sucks.

Even though I'm out of the heavy oppression I was under, I'm still healing. I'm still "coming out of it." When veils of real life are lifted, it hurts. I go back to that awareness I spoke of earlier, where your eyes are so "open."

"When did you suffer? "

It's very despairing when you first hit the point when the veil is initially taken off. And there are many veils in life. But there's this lost feeling that's so overwhelming, leaving you vulnerable to dark attacks. Coming out of it though? It's beautiful. I can imagine I'll never recover because full recovery would mean that I'd possibly lose sight of this awareness that's left it's scar. The beauty is seeing the Church, seeing the Body, in it's most raw form. What it was meant to be. What it is. Even then.... it's still a mere glimpse of it's potential.

I see her.

And I'm sure she'll make it out alive. Beautifully scarred, but more alive than she's ever felt. My hope for her is that it won't take long. But everybody is different.

She is not alone.


This song "All Creatures" by Elisaray was a song that was on repeat during that dark time for me. I still love listening to it.