I See Her.

Over the holidays, I've seen so many family and friends, it seemed endless as I hugged and talked to people one by one. I am blessed.

People ask me how I've gotten through certain things... it's really no wonder when you look at the size of my family and see the chemistry of silly-ness, music, art, intelligence, dark humor, light humor, all wrapped up into a Christian burrito.

...

I hope that made sense.

Anyway. Moving on. I saw a familiar face during all these festivities. But not only was it familiar because I knew the person, but because her eyes took a familiarity that reminded me of myself starting about 2 years ago. My oppressed self. I saw her. I saw it in her eyes.

I listened to her story about how life is going right now for her and I could hear things that she was saying like an echo from things I had said in the past. Even down to the phrase, "Nothing you can say will help me." This is true in a lot of circumstances. Words do only hold so much water when you are down and out. But this was different. This is coming from an apathy that truly only God can touch.

It's funny, because I felt an empathy to her apathy and still, felt I couldn't reach her. When you are in that deep, it's hard to feel anything. It's hard to sympathize with people. She already knows the Truth, but what she's seeing, right now, is another truth,...

Life.
Sucks.

Doesn't matter how good your heart is. Or how good your intentions are or were. Or how hard you work. People get hurt. And it seems endless.

Life.
Sucks.

Even though I'm out of the heavy oppression I was under, I'm still healing. I'm still "coming out of it." When veils of real life are lifted, it hurts. I go back to that awareness I spoke of earlier, where your eyes are so "open."

"When did you suffer? "

It's very despairing when you first hit the point when the veil is initially taken off. And there are many veils in life. But there's this lost feeling that's so overwhelming, leaving you vulnerable to dark attacks. Coming out of it though? It's beautiful. I can imagine I'll never recover because full recovery would mean that I'd possibly lose sight of this awareness that's left it's scar. The beauty is seeing the Church, seeing the Body, in it's most raw form. What it was meant to be. What it is. Even then.... it's still a mere glimpse of it's potential.

I see her.

And I'm sure she'll make it out alive. Beautifully scarred, but more alive than she's ever felt. My hope for her is that it won't take long. But everybody is different.

She is not alone.


This song "All Creatures" by Elisaray was a song that was on repeat during that dark time for me. I still love listening to it.