We're Not Worthy! We're Not Worthy!

I keep hearing the term.. "I deserve this... " or "until he deserves me..." or "if he's worthy of your respect..." These kinds of phrases have always rubbed me the wrong way for as long as I can remember the conviction of it.

I would always walk around calling myself, "the walking curse." (I've been clean from that for 1 year now. woot!) But that mentality wasn't ALL poisonous as it may have seemed... I mean, I was using it punch myself in the face, knowing there's another punch around the corner. Of course, you can't deny that life has curve balls and obstacles almost at every corner. But the problem was, I didn't see myself as "His beloved." I saw myself as Ugly. Cursed. Abandoned.

So you can imagine that any time someone would say, "Yes, Kailan, you deserve a break!" "You deserve this..." "You deserve that..." I'd nod and smile, but think... I'm ugly, unworthy, undeserving, ... oh and a curse!

So I've dropped "the walking curse" label as of recently and am trying to now say to myself, "I am beloved."

But the words "deserving" or "worthy" always still gets to me. I was reading a quote recently that talked about how a woman will follow a man that is worthy of her respect. I was also reading someone writing about how they deserve better, and that this person doesn't deserve them... and so forth...

That first quote was from a pretty famous Christian that many follow. It irked me. I was irked...

What a standard to live by! Will that man ever truly deserve her respect? Will I ever deserve my husband's love? Will I ever get to that standard of living where I will achieve such a worthiness of gaining his love? Does he only love me because I deserve it?

(excuse me while I laugh for writing such a ridiculous question with that last one... )

Of course he doesn't love me because I deserve it. I don't deserve his patience, his respect, his forgiveness, or his love. But he gives it because I'm simply that precious to him... for some reason.  God, I love that man!

There is only one person that actually deserves our love and respect. Who is actually Worthy.

Yep.. the big Man Himself.

I am not Him. My husband is not Him. Neither of us will ever be Him.

I've come to the conclusion that no human being can achieve such worthiness.

(Gosh kailan, this is kinda depressing.. I get it, we aren't worthy or deserving.. we are pieces of shite.)

But that's the beauty of it. (Warning: churchy answer here.) We get Love regardless of our undeserved-ness and unworthiness.

So why love and respect other undeserving human beings? If I don't deserve it, they don't either, right?

Right.

But we love and respect because that's what we are called to do. The One who IS deserving and worthy of it, is telling us to love and respect eachother. 

period.