Yep. I counted. Ruth is 3 months and 10 days today. Exactly.
That number sticks out to me because that's how old Sarah was when she died, 7 years ago.
The milestones never stop when you're grieving. I thought for a moment that this would be the last time that I get to hold one of my babies, at this age, soaking in the feeling of holding that little body all over again. But then I retracted that thought and can safely assume I will probably do this to my grandchildren someday too.
3 months and 10 days. Forever etched into my memory.
Days like these are very bittersweet. I hold Ruth today and my heart breaks. I miss Sarah so much. I miss my baby. I go back to that awful day and remember holding her as I nursed her for the last time, and kissed her cheeks before leaving her to her nap. This day is a painful reminder of what I miss every day. But then I force myself forward and open my eyes to Ruth. This beautiful little girl that God has blessed me with. She's smiling so big and laughing. She talks to me with her little babbles. She reminds me so much of Sarah. I love her so much. This part of the process of grieving helps me to soak in these little things, not taking her for granted.
My eyes are wide open because of my suffering. This must be part of God's mercy because I value my awareness, but I wouldn't have it, if I didn't lose Sarah. That's a painful truth that I've had to give myself grace with. It's easy to blame myself, on a spiritual level, and say "God made this to happen because I needed to learn this. So this must be my fault." I did that with Dad (he died when I was 16) and then with Sarah. (aaaaaaand with any other crap that comes down our path)
It doesn't help. It's not true.
Because it's not
about
me.
So, on that note, I hold my baby tight being able to thank God for this day with her.
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| My Ruth. |
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| My Sarah. Read her story here. |
Sweetheart, your pain is real, as is the encouragement I garner from your openness and insight. As you are blessed, you are also a blessing. Thank you so much for sharing, for helping all of us who love you and all your little ones, for simply being you, a child of God, resting in His ;loving arms.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Phil. You have no idea what your words mean to me! Love you so much!
DeleteAw... You're welcome, it's easy to praise you, since you are an inspiration to all who know you. Love you bunches!
DeleteI can only imagine the rush of emotions you feel at times like these. I'll never forget your sweet Sarah. I remember adoring her from afar as she snuggled into your chest during church. She touched me though I knew neither her nor the one to whom she clung. I'm glad to know you now. And I'm glad you are keeping her memory alive. She was special.
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying that, Angela.
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