Sarah's Story

It was Sunday, a week before Christmas, we were over at my mom's house, she and I were putting together our traditional Christmas cookies for gifts. The table was full of cookies and all sorts of goodies. It was a calm day, Josh, my husband, was at the computer along with my brothers, Seth and Noah, for they were watching music videos. Two other friends arrived, Kyle and John, getting ready for Colonial PA's practice that afternoon. The kids were asleep. Isaiah had just turned 2 a couple weeks prior and Sarah was 3 months and 10 days old. She could not roll over yet at all, so I had her sleeping on my mom's king-sized bed. All the blankets were off of her bed cause she was washing them. When I had laid Sarah down, a little while after I had nursed her for the last time, I laid her on her belly cause she would not sleep on her back. She was a belly baby. Some of you mothers might understand. I kissed her on her cheek and snuggled the blanket underneath her arms. ... and left.....
About an hour had passed when I was trying to find something to fasten the gift wrap with for the cookies, and my mom said, "I have ribbon in my bedroom, in my closet. Go get the ribbon." I will never forget that instruction. I went in the bedroom, just down a very short hallway. I glanced over at Sarah as I was passing through, trying not to wake her. But I realized she was face down. I had never before had issues with her doing that, so I thought it was strange. Calmly I turned her head to the side, so casually, thinking everything's fine. I noticed right away a discoloration of her face. Instantly I picked her up, having both of my hands under each of her arms. I held her up to look at her better and I noticed that she was this purple, grey color all over. I'll never forget the weight of her body as I held her like that. I didn't even realize she wasn't breathing until after I immediately screamed for Mom. I found myself trying to pat her back firmly, as if she were choking on something, so she'll come to. I remember having her forehead against my cheek then too, I felt this coolness to her head. My mother raced to me, and instantly she grabbed Sarah from me and told me to call 911. I didn't believe that it was that bad, but I went anyway. Not knowing, for sure, where the cordless was, I raced to the phone that I knew where it would be. I ran into the living room, plowed through my husband, my brothers, and their friends to get to the phone on the other side of them. Josh was asking me what was wrong, I couldn't answer him. He repeatedly asked me until I yelled to him, "Just, go..... GO see Sarah!" When I got on the phone, and tried to dial 911, still not believing that this could be that bad, I heard mom on dialing also. She had found that cordless, right next to her. I ran back in the room, with mom hovering over Sarah, and telling the dispatcher what was going on. I started rubbing Sarah's chest, shaking her a little while she lay, and spit up was coming out of her mouth. I thought I was making progress, but I couldn't help myself but to yell, "Sarah, Breathe, .... Breathe Sarah!" I was crying in fright. Josh dropped to his knees and wept helplessly. Mom told me to be quiet so she could hear the dispatcher telling her how to do CPR. Mom followed all their instructions. She put Sarah to the floor and started CPR. I watched, praying to God that she would start breathing.
My mother-in-law, Jennifer,(who is a nurse) came barreling in and took over the CPR. My mom was relieved for she wasn't sure that she was doing it right. (which she was, Jennifer later told her) Then the paramedics came through into the house shortly after. My father-in-law, Jeff, ( paramedic himself) helped them try to resuscitate her. When they all came through, I remember thinking, I've got to get out of their way, but I'm not leaving her sight. So I stood, helplessly, in the doorway of the room, pleading with God with all my might, to let her come back to us. People were behind me holding me as I watched. I remember seeing Jeff's face, he was trying to hold back his emotions, but couldn't, as he knew what the outcome might be, because he had seen others. He let the medics do their work, then they announced "Let's go ahead and take her in." I ran out of the way, into the living room, passing people, cops, whoever and running outside to find Josh sitting on the patio steps, his dad talking to him. I told them that we are going to the hospital now. So we crammed into a jeep truck, I think, with Jeff and Jennifer and we drove to the hospital. We made it before the ambulance. The hospital staff took us to a room to talk to us about what's about to happen. All I remember is thinking, even if they do bring her back, I'm not stupid, she'll will indefinitely have brain damage. But regardless, I wanted her back. They told me after she arrived that she wasn't responding to medicine or resuscitation and that we could see her. I was so scared to go in, but I went in and I saw her little body as pale as the sheet she was laying on. Her clothes were cut and the nurse was over her continuing in CPR. Sarah had a long-sleeve shirt on with a sweater over it. I touched her arm and felt her coldness, through her layers of clothes. I was taken back. I pulled my hand away, and turned to Josh and cried and said to him, "She's cold... She's gone" I had felt that before. (but that's another story) I cried so hard. Still in unbelief that she was really gone. That my baby girl was dead. I sat down, and hung my head with my hair covering my face, I knew nothing else to do but to silently yell inside my soul as the tears ran down my face. The hospital staff asked Josh's permission to cease resuscitation and he didn't understand. Jeff had to tell him, that they were asking his permission to stop. He gave that gut wrenching permission, and she was officially gone.
People came in from everywhere, calls were made by others to come, and they did. I remember friends of ours, Jason and Heather, knelt down in front of us and prayed for us. They especially prayed for Josh and I to be able to stay together as we face this... together. I remember, another set of friends, Marc and El, came. They were very close to us and knew our kids well. They threw themselves at us in tears as we all cried together. Our pastors from different past church families, along with our current Pastor Todd, came and read scripture to us. Every prayer, every scripture gave me enough strength to take another breath. My mom insisted on me holding Sarah one last time. I was so distraught with the idea of her body, but her soul not being there, that I didn't want to at first, but she ensured me that I need to and that I would not regret it. I held her. They put on many blankets around her to mask her coldness but I could still feel it. I looked at her and she looked like a beautiful porcelain doll, sleeping so peacefully. I will always remember what it felt like to hold her for that last time and I do not regret it. There was a whole tribe inside and outside of that room. She was passed from person to person, whomever wanted to hold her, was welcome. It was holy ground. I could not tell you how long we were there, or who all was there. But I can tell you who was there, Me and my husband, our family ( and I mean that in every sense) and the Holy Spirit. Lives were changed, for the better. Hearts were softened, eyes became unblinded, and souls were saved.... all because of this little girl's passing. Sarah's story impacted everyone around her, whether it was automatic or it took time to sink in. She impacted people. And that could not have happened without Jesus. He taught me a lesson on how to breathe. He showed me what it feels like to be held in His arms, to feel precious. He is refining me into the diamond He originally made me to be. The key is not to learn to breathe with trials, but through them, for we were made to fly. Trust Him.