Kids and Their Obsession With Death

I've had several friends ask about kids dealing with the thought process of death recently, so here's my thoughts to any parent finding themselves in this type of situation.  

"What happens when people die?" "What happens to their body?" "What's a soul?"

The questions are endless from these little people. My son has been the main instigator of such questions in our house, ever since he was 2.

It's so hard watching your children be in pain as they process the loss of a loved one, but hold your hope, parent! This is a beautiful gateway that you don't want to take for granted. You have their attention. Some for only 2 minutes and some for an hour, but you have their attention. And not their attention about trucks or dolls, but they are genuinely curious about death and what happens. You have the opportunity to teach them about the bigger picture.

There's a number of children's books out there that help explain things to some degree, but when the book is over, there's usually more questions. How do you know what to say or how far to go with the answers?

I will tell you this. Every child is different in their level of maturity. Every parent is different on how they feel about the subject. There's no clear way to handle this process. There's no one right way. You'll need to use your discernment as a parent to determine how you want to handle this fragile subject as your child, the king/queen of questions, continues to ponder, trying to reason this intangible Truth.

I've listed (I know, it's weird that I'm doing a list, but thought it'd be more eye friendly and helpful) some tips that helped me and continue to help me as I parent children that are obsessed with death!

~ Reflect:
Take a moment and reflect on what you do believe about the subject. If you are unsure about how you feel, ask them if you can talk about it later that night (or the next day, if it's already night time) and take the afternoon, pray, study, and figure out how you feel about it for yourself. If they are old enough, let them study with you.

~ Answer the question with a question. 
This gets them thinking and it reveals to you what is already in their little hearts. "What do YOU think happens?" It's a great way to start an active discussion between you and your child.

~ Keep it simple (according to your discernment of their questions): 
If they are 2, obviously, you aren't going to get very far in theology. But if they are older or asking continuous questions and you can tell they want to dig deeper, then let that be a sign to lead how deep the discussion will go. Sometimes a simple answer will suffice, but sometimes, it won't and they want to talk about it more.

~ Make it tangible: 
Try using an example of a tangible object or something they understand to help them process it. For me, I like using "light". This is the general idea of how I explain it.
When we are made, God puts a light into us called our soul. We carry that light with us where ever we go and our bodies make it so we can take care of others and ourselves. When we die, God takes that light, our souls, and makes for us, new bodies. He takes us to a beautiful place with no more pain, and no more tears or sadness. People on earth say "Good-bye" to our old bodies and bury the old body into the ground. But the best part, is that we all get to see each other in the end, in our new bodies and we'll know who everyone is.

~Make time for the "why?": 
Sit your butt down with that child if he/she gets this far because this is the food they so desire. The "why?" is the best part of the conversation, but can be equally terrifying. I know some of you are thinking, "How could my kid even ask such deep questions?" But they are there, trust me. Some kids don't ask deeper questions until they are older, but some ask these questions at an incredible age. This doesn't make one kid better than the other, (because this is solely a temperament thing, I believe) but you want to embrace it whenever it comes. You are the one that is going to be the most influential in your child's life.
So I ask you, what is your "why?" This definitely forces you to think, but it's good for you. Again, this is a great time to ask your child what they think. But if the shrug comes, that ball passes to you. Here's a very true example of something I teach my children:
When Grandpa Joe was alive, he taught me that everyone has a job to do on Earth. When that job is done, that's when God chooses to take us home. If you are still living and breathing on this Earth, that means that God's not done with you and that you need to keep completing the work He has for you. 
Obviously, there are other "why?" questions that could be asked, but find those Truths either by study or reflection on what you know already in your heart.

~Validate their feelings, but don't give false hope: 
It's ok to let them cry if they are sad about someone in particular. Or if they cry because they are scared. Those are all acceptable reactions to emotions, so don't try to smother that. It's so hard to fight the urge to say, "but it probably won't happen. We'll all be really old and ready to go when it finally happens." just to calm their tears. Truth is, the world is not that way. In our family, it's very real that death hits us at young ages too. (which is probably why my kids are so obsessed most of the time) To give another example of how I handle these types of things is this:
I know you are sad. I know you are scared. I get sad and scared too. But the truth is, is we are not in control of these things. I wish we were, but we are not. Only God decides who is ready to go and who is not. And truly, we need to remember what it's like for those that die and are in heaven. They feel no more pain. And we all wait to see each other again.

~Don't be afraid of the rabbit trails: 
The rabbit trails are beautiful. It takes the conversation into places that you would've never thought to just bring up to your child. And truly, your child is curious enough, they will come back to the point of their conversation, whether it be within that sitting or at another time. (giving you a break to keep preparing yourself)

~Give them something to do: 
Because we are still living and breathing, we get to keep figuring out what God wants us to do. It's always nice to end a conversation like this with application. Think of things that can be done as well as something that gives them a true hope about their future. Encourage them.

~Move forward:
Some of us get a little long winded when trying to explain things to our children. By watching them in response and their attention span, you'll see pretty quickly if they need a break. That's ok! Let them go play. Let them chew on this piece of information you have shared with them. Allow their process the way they need to process.

~They always come back!: 
Have you met a child that just stopped asking questions?? I haven't. If you think you have, that just means they've stopped asking you questions. This is another reason why it's important to make time for your kids when they ask you questions, otherwise their questions will fall somewhere else. And that could be an ok thing or a bad thing, depending on where they fall. But truly, if you are open to those questions, they will come back. They always do.

Hope these things help! Hang in there, parent!

Edit note: I wanted to also add that sometimes that answer is "I don't know." And that OK too! We don't have all the answers and it's ok to show that vulnerable-ness to your child or anyone seeking answers from you about a given subject. None of us have this thing nailed. I'm simply sharing from my own toiling and experiences.