Bed Rest

Oh, bed rest. It actually wasn't so bad at first, but with the medicine, and Isaiah acting up, that part was hard. Isaiah turned into those "Nanny 911" kids, and my mom can vouch for that. This picture is a good moment though. We have our "babies" in our bellies. (yes, Isaiah, put another one in my shirt, as he did his) The medicine mad me jittery and it was hard to sleep. I was nervous in the hospital. I believe I was only there overnight. My doctors and midwives were with me and letting me know that things look good. I remember one of the midwives, Susan, came to see me and gave me this deep hug, cause she knew my desperation of not wanting to do this, deliver a pre-mature infant, watching her fight for her life, not knowing for sure if she will be ok. But the doctor's ensured me that my chances for a healthy baby in the end are very good, after all I was 33 weeks, and was just looking at some good time in the NICU if I did deliver. I went to the hospital one other time also, about 5 or 6 days later, cause the medicine stopped working. Then they put me on different medicine. I'm more of a naturalist so you can imagine how terribly fond I was of all the medicine being put into my body, and then into my baby. Not a happy camper.

We talked with a NICU nurse, to prepare ourselves for the possibilities of delivering early. She was very nice. We were able to share our story to her. We learned that she was grieving a son who had passes away at an older age. She told us she needed to hear our story, and to see us, that we had peace enough to say, "God is still good." gave her that sense of fellowship that one has when surrounded my "family" that are like-minded. Sharing eachother's loads.... (there is always a reason for everything:)

I remember feeling sick every time we had to go to the hospital, thinking "this is it!" and still being scared to death of having an infant again. I felt shameful for thinking such things. But we'd go home empty handed. I remember on time, we went home before midnight, and Isaiah was staying over at Brandy's and they were just going to keep him overnight. I was having such a hard time being without him, and I never had been overnight without him after Sarah's passing... until this occasion. I remember crying so hysterically, sitting in the car still, in the driveway, back home. and Isaiah was gone. I don't know what came over me. I felt childless, altogether. No Sarah, No Isaiah, No baby Eve. My hands were completely empty. I begged Josh at midnight in that driveway to go to (25 min. away) Colfax, and bring him back home. I'm sure Brandy was a little confused at this, but everyone, I'm sure, didn't even try to lift a finger to me for that. They could appreciate it, I think. But I didn't care. I went into the house, to get back on my couch, while Josh picked up that little sleeping boy of ours. When he came back, I held my big 2 1/2 year old, like a baby. and cried some more, but took a deep breath of relief, that this was my proof that I was not childless. I still had my son. I wept bitter tears for Sarah once again, guilty tears for Eve, and relieved tears for Isaiah. I was a mess.
At this point my Jesus was the only one who could consol me. As I laid my head on my pillow, I imagined it was His chest. (that process was very familiar to me)