Pushing Everyone Away

I remember the bigger I got, and the closer I got to my due date, the more of a mess I became. We are talking by the beginning of my last trimester, things got messy. I felt suffocated with horror. I was thinking about Sarah, constantly, still pleading to have her back. I couldn't accept her death just yet. So much anxiety over having this next one overwhelmed me. I hadn't cleaned out Sarah's crib yet. We had kept it up, especially because there was no point to taking it down when we would be just putting it right back up for Eve. Over the months I had collected things of either Sarah's or things that people had made for her memory, or things that reminded me of her. Whenever I got so upset, I would just go to that crib and be surrounded by stuff that was Sarah's, breathing in every last scent. As my anxiety grew worse, I started pushing everyone away. There were only a handful of people I would let near me. My mom was one of them. She could relate to me in a way very few people could because we had grieved such a great loss together before...... Dad. Her husband, my daddy. I know it's not the same, but what was so healing about our relationship was the fact that she was more than comfortable to talk about Sarah and acknowledge the fact that this new baby is a very hard thing to endeavor. Like this picture, she would rub my belly, so mother-like, and say, "ooohhhh, kailan." and start to cry.
I can't explain all the weight of the anxieties, but I can say that God taught me how to breathe through it. He showed me mercy....
I remember pushing everyone away, to the point I barely went out of my house, cause I was so distraught with anxiety. In that time, I was terrified of what kind of mother I was going to be to Eve. Would I love her, even though she is not Sarah? Will I be scared to even look at her, because she does or doesn't look like Sarah? How will I have the courage to nurse this new infant, when all I could think about is that I was cut off from the last one. Will I ever sleep? Will she keep breathing? Even when I'm not looking? Will she leave me too? Will Isaiah remember he has two sisters and not combine both of the babies?

As I unfold my story for you, I will answer those questions.
All I knew at that point was that I needed space because I couldn't breathe, and I needed to take a time out, and allow time to be with my Father. I knew that if I didn't take care of myself, then I wasn't taking care of my baby. I knew that if I kept going this way, that I might go into labor soon. So I took time, my husband right by my side, and just let things be.

but, of course, as most of you know. Maybe a week after I decided my time-out, I went into pre-term labor at 33 weeks....