Failure To Thrive

Last Wednesday, Teshura officially fell off the growth chart. She was 1% for a little bit there, and then finally took the dangerous dive. She is almost 3 months, and weighed at 8 lbs. 4 oz. ... the average size of a newborn. I was nervous, but thought, finally, we'll get some answers.
It had taken me 3 weeks to get her to exclusively nurse. I thought we were doing well. Almost all her signs of healthy baby were there. She was alert when awake. She slept a lot. Her urine was a nice hydrated clear color. Only it was her stools that worried me. I saw her weight, but thought, she must be a slow weight gain baby. I was ok with that as long as she seemed healthy. The Saturday before sed Wed. we were with family for Christmas. There was a little cousin of mine that was 2 days younger than my Tesh. He was so cute and plump. I asked how much he weighed. "11 lbs..." I thought, I remember those numbers at this age. I looked at him, then looked at Tesh, and realized for the first time, how frail she really was. It made me want to cry. I thought there must be something wrong with her.
Well, lo and behold, just days later, she fell off the charts. We had a CT scan scheduled that same day, so I had her seen by the Ped. to make sure she was ok, which she wasn't, she had the croup. But I thought we should at least try to get her to sleep during the scan, that was an option. The Ped. said, "I'm going to have you guys admit her and then you can get the scan done, but she needs to be admitted, cause she fell off my charts, and we need to get to the bottom of this." My heart sank. ' Admitted? Into the hospital? CRAP!!'
well.........here we go again. Josh and Kailan going to the hospital with ANOTHER infant. I'm telling you, this is definitely making me think twice about having another one. I did not want to do this, but at the same time, I wanted answers also. And this was the way to do it.
I was on day 3 of going dairy free in my diet cause her stools were always this mucusy consistency, so I thought I'd try it. It was so stressful in the hospital, it stressed Tesh out, it stressed me out. They did not allow me to nurse, they had me pumping and feeding her bottles with fortified calorie mix into my milk. She drank from the bottle, no problem. I was so numb to what was going on that it took me a day or two to really miss nursing her. We got her on a soy based formula mixture cause she reacted very badly to the milkbased. My milk supply was dwindling due to my stress. And that, of course, stressed me out even more. I won't go into detail but I started cracking, and became very sore.
Her CT scan was successfull. We got her to sleep through it. That was a chore, but worth it. The next day it was confirmed. "Partial closing of the sagittal sutures. Sagittal Synostosis."
She was able to gain an ounce a day doing all this, so they let us go home on strict feeding instructions. I was overwhelmed, coming home to my sick 2 year old that needed her mommy and my 5 year old that had so much to tell me and realizing the task of taking care of Tesh through it all. There is a nurse that will come to my house everyday to weigh her.
Today, I woke with mastitis, and during my kid's morning bath, I found lice in their hair! eeeee so gross!! I cried and cried, feeling even more overwhelmed and weak. My father in law, Jeff, came over and took care of the kid's hair, putting the medicine on it and starting the endless combing, while I talked with the nurse, that was visiting for the first time for Tesh.
Today was a bad day for me, but a great one for Tesh. She is a grand total of 9 lbs. 1 oz. geeesh! 10 oz in 2 days. That's ridiculous. But, whatever..... for now. I've tried nursing her, and she won't have me. That has broken my heart. I cried to my mom about it, and she said something that had just struck me. She said, " well, Kailan, just know that you got 3 months out of her." She was trying to comfort me, when it actually put me into shock. 3 months! My nursing was cut off at 3 months when my daughter died, and now my nursing is being cut off with another at 3 months. How cruel is that?! I went a little crazy after that, not towards my mother, but towards myself. I was realizing that I'm not just fighting a physical battle, I'm fighting a spiritual one within me. I was not giving up control. I was not embracing the peace that He was trying to give me. I was being selfish. My stubborness always gets the better of me. It was time to end this crazy cycle of crying over my "spilled milk" (pun intended)
I got up and paced my living room floor, and said out loud, "Satan! You have no power over me. In the name of Jesus, get out away from my house. Because the blood of Jesus, you have no power over me. You have lost. I am a child of the Most High God, and once He has me in His grasp, He will never let me go. You will never have me. I am a child of the Most High God." I had tears streaming down my face through all of it, but by the end I was calm and the tears had stopped, and I was able to think clearly for a moment.

I believe that when we are in heat like this, that it is God allowing things to happen, and satan thinking that he could use it, for both to see, "What will Kailan do?" "How far will she fall? and How high will she rise out of it?"

Now, I'd like to say that I didn't fall for the rest of the day. But what I can say is that I didn't fall harder than what I had before, and I came out of it that much faster. Thanks to a dear cousin of mine.

Fellowship is beautiful. I can just feel these hands on my arms holding them up, so I can clinch onto the staff that must rise in order for us to win this battle. Thank you for your prayers.