Persistent Ache

I still have good days and bad days when it comes to my sweet Sarah. And I also have good days and bad days when it comes to the reality of what Tesh is going through. Some days I feel confident, and sane, .... others...... I feel that reliable pain, that is always there, the most. Sometimes I sit and just think on the events of that horrid day for me, wonderful for her. I think on how she felt when I first found her, my thoughts of denial that 911 needed to be called. And then I switch to a future imagination of me setting Tesh on her big pre-op bed, giving her her last kiss, letting the nurses and doctors take her away from me. How do you let go? How do you be content with "that last touch"? I know the odds of her passing during surgery are slim to none, but then, again, so was Sarah's situation.
With Sarah, I had no choice in the matter. She was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring her back. No good-byes, no preparation. But with Tesh's situation, I'm deciding, as her mother, that the doctors are right in that surgery is needed, and I am willingly preparing her to do so, having the ability to say, "I'll see you later". Although it will be hard to see her recovery unfold, at least she'll be alive. The instant I say that, I feel guilty. I do not wish suffering on my daughter, but I selfishly want her here, to stay. Should I be confident that her place is here because she has a purpose on Earth when I have a God that gives and takes away as He sees fit? She does indeed have a purpose, but is it to stay? is the question. Will I lose another child, all so people can see His glory and mercy? Which He knows that I will. Or will she, herself, be able to speak on her own behalf, with her own testimony that will give glory to the Most High? And that, only He can tell if she will. Which am I to stand on? Both ways, He will receive glory. And that is what I must be content with. I say this as my heart breaks, and I am holding back tears, just to get through writing this blog post.
Sometimes I feel like Job, wailing in a "woe is me" attitude. But then, I see where I am growing, or struggling more clearly when I'm under such pressure. I look back at where I was, and think, 'I've come so far' and then I look at the road ahead and think, 'I have so far to go still'.

Tesh is gaining weight. Praise God. The fatter she gets, the more she looks like her older sister Sarah. Thank you God for that little sweet face, but she still has Papa's ornery smile. :) Tesh is still sickly though, and I intend to get it checked out more evasively. Next wed. we see the neurosurgeon team at Iowa City. I have so many questions. and of course, life goes on....... Isaiah is acting out due to all the chaos in the home, Eve is coming to a close with potty training (thank you God again :) and my husband and I, simultaneously, pretty much missed Valentine's Day, not giving it much thought, but are enjoying the chocolates that the kids received. We are not big V-day people anyway. I'm a deep well for quality time, no V-day is going to suffice that. I adore him so much. I can't even think about anything happening to him. Not going there.
Anyway. Taxes are in, bills are due, debts to pay........... life goes on. And that is probably one of the hardest things to hear and to accept when you're in such trials, but the world does not care, as we've learned through our bank. Now I must go and clean house, making ready for the nurse that is to show up at my door in a few hours.

Thank you to all of you who have said to me in the last few weeks, "Keep taking it day by day." It's amazing how quickly I forget such sound advice.

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."