My Attempt to Express the Unexpressable......

I'm feeling the need to write right now. My husband and I just watched the movie, "the Curious Case of Benjamin Button." It was a good movie, we didn't appreciate some of the material in it, but overall, it gave a new perspective to life.... the beauty of the simplest things, that hardly anyone ever notices, but they walk by them each and every day.

This main character, Benjamin Button had the curious case of reverse aging. I was expecting him to look younger and younger but in the height... I was wrong... Sorry to spoil anyone's "first time watching this movie" but they actually had him become (literally) a little boy with dementia, to a toddler that was forgetting how to speak, to an infant. As the love of his life, who was very old at this point, was rocking him, they looked at each other deeply for a moment, and then she watched him close his eyes for the last time as if he just fell asleep....

I immediately threw my hands over my face and burst into tears. I'm crying again, just writing this, reliving that moment. My heart is aching so much right now, as if I had just lost her yesterday. It's been almost 4 years since she left, and today I sit, still having moments of being suffocated by this pain. I began imagining if she would've died like that....
in my arms....   while I was rocking her to sleep.

Would that have been better? Made things easier? Knowing that she will die soon?
I can't answer these questions. I'm getting a head ache just thinking about it all.

After the movie was over, Josh and I just sat there on the couch as I cried my eyes out. We began reminising about her. I remember when I first saw her smile. It wasn't with her mouth though. It was with her eyes. It was the weirdest thing, and I have yet to find another infant to do what she did. She'd look at us and then her eyes would light up and they would smile....
and then of course, later, came the big smiles; eyes, mouth, cheeks, arms and legs. Her blue eyes.....

Oh, I miss her so much. I wish I had the words to express what I'm feeling right now. I would just love to cradle her in my arms once more. I want my job back.... not that I could do it better, but because I love her and always will.

I really need to go to bed.


Oh, Lord Jesus