Sarah's 4th Birthday Celebration

 Yesterday, we celebrated Sarah's (would have been) 4th Birthday. I started the day with a headache, but thanks to drugs, the edge was taken off. I was tired, but felt good about the family time we all got in the day before. As I did my daily cleaning, I thought of all the things I needed to get done to make it on time to the party. We were to meet at 4:30 at the "New Altoona Cemetery". After lunch, I had the kids color their cards for Sarah.

 I started baking the cupcakes for everyone at the cemetery. As I was stirring the batter, I thought, 'There should be a little blond hair, blue eyed girl standing with her nose just over the counter surface, waiting with extreme anticipation of when she can lick the battered spoon." Why I make myself go through such things as making cupcakes for her birthday, even though it does sound extremely weird. ..... it's very therapeutic. Doing things for Sarah's memory has always been something I look for. It's hard, I cried,... a lot... but they are for my little girl's friends, and that's worth it. I put a blue candy I made on each cupcake symbolizing her nickname, "blueberry" (because her humangioma made her nose blue)

I got everything ready and as soon as Josh got home from work, we left for the store. We always have the kids get their cards folded up nice and small and put into a helium balloon of their choice in color and let them go when the time comes to "give to Sarah" They always seem to enjoy that part. We also, of course, get another one for them to keep. We ran into some family there and the balloon lady said that a bunch had already come in.

When we all got to the cemetery and we weren't expecting anyone else, we went ahead and sang the traditional, "Happy Birthday to You" song.

After the song was done, everyone let their balloons go. The wind carried some of them into trees, but they let loose instead of Evey's. Third times a charm, it finally went free to go as high as the wind allowed.

After that, we got the delicious cupcakes out and for the first time, we ate there in fellowship..... at the cemetery.. but it wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. The kids ate their cakes and ran around as if this was their playground.

All of them huddled, wrestled, made a human train, and it didn't phase their sweet souls of where they really were. Or is it supposed to be celebrated ground?

And then, of course, there is always at least one kid that starts asking all the questions. Sweet Larinda, (who is one week younger than Sarah) was so curious and confused as to why Sarah wasn't here?Why she had not seen Sarah yet? I delight in the questions, cause what a beautiful door that she opened to allow her parents to explain further the reality of heaven.

 Here's some honest kid pics. :)





 We all left at the same time, going our separate ways to eat dinner. When we got home, my spirit finally dampened. I became very tired, my headache was trying to come back, I was irritable, and my body felt like it weighed a ton. My husband served me in a most special way that night. First, he cleaned the main area of the house.... that always helps any stress on my plate. Then, he put the kids to bed, so I didn't have to get up. I talked with him about how I felt like I was going crazy. So fast I was headed down into this deep depression, and it was effecting everything. My head and body felt so heavy. My breathing was even labored. I was uncontrollably crying, not JUST about Sarah, but about life and it's trials that we've faced thus far. For a moment I felt despair, which is a scary place to be. Not one I'd encourage. When Josh was free, he sat beside me on the couch that I couldn't move from and swooped me into his arms. He said nothing, and just held me like a father holds his child. My tears soaked the chest of his t-shirt. I felt so vulnerable, as if I could've been sliced through with the dullest of knives. I closed my eyes, and finally calmed down. Once again, I felt my Father's arms around me hushing me into a lullaby... I fell asleep. We both woke an hour or so later, to go to bed, and we both woke in the morning feeling refreshed. After all, it was only 8:30pm when we fell asleep. (crazy)
I do feel better this morning, a little exhausted from all the emotions, but rested. It's amazing that it's been 4 years since I've first held her in my arms.

I love you Sarah.