Much Ado About Nothing.... 30 weeks and Christmas!

Although that movie is not one of my favorites, the saying rings true in almost anything of this world. I love my midwife. I love the atmosphere she creates in her care... this calm, let it happen, don't worry about things that aren't there, listen to your body and your instinct, your the mother and in control of your own baby, I've got your back, kind of care. It's wonderful. It leaves my pregnancy between us (Josh and I) and our Protector. As I'm into my last trimester, the inevitable braxton hicks starts kicking in at full force. I kind of like them cause it gives me LOTS of practice for staying calm and relaxed for actual labor, but it's not so fun when I'm unsure if I should be taking action against, "preterm labor" contractions that seem to collect almost every night. With the kind of care that this particular midwife is giving me, I'm able to calm down about them in my head, and know that "this is what I do... I have lots of contractions, all the time, and I will know when it's real labor or not. and until then.... DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! Let them come and do their thing... they are as stubborn as you are"  ;) 

At my last appt. we discussed "the glucose test". I grumbled about it, and said, kidding, "Do I have to?" and she replied, "No" with this nonchalant look on her face. I asked, "Really??" We discussed it a little further, talking about my history of no gestational diabetes with all 4 pregnancies. That glucose test always makes me jittery and gives me headaches. Why do that to my body/and baby when there's no symptoms of the diagnosis for which I'm being tested for?   Which led me to saying, "Ok! No glucose test then!"

As I pass the mark for when I started "preterm-like contractions" being pregnant with #4, not having the "hype" (a.k.a. medical intervention and hours of sitting in triage, being sent home with medications) about whatever contractions I'm having now, I feel a bit of success as I wait for the next mark which would be 33 weeks. (preterm labor contractions with #3) I'm optimistic about it, which is new for me, but I think I'm getting a little better about this optimistic approach... (not good, just better, ha..) I'm bound and determined to NOT need to be on any "labor stopping meds" with this one. No bed rest would be nice too....

My ultrasound went very well. Baby is 2.5 lbs. :) Oh, .. and my placenta moved!! ... not sure how, but it did! Praise God! It's now 6 1/2 cm away from my cervix, for those of you who really wanted to know that. :) They couldn't tell if "cranio" was apparent, but I knew, by experience, that you can't really diagnose something like that with ultrasound, but I did go back and compare ultra sound photos from Tesh and this one, and I see a beautiful difference. Look at these ultra sound picks (all you "head pickers") See how Tesh's forehead is out a little and the back of her head is slanted funny? Then look at Baby #5's head... normal looking to me!

Baby Tesh- cranio-

Baby #5- normal looking head-

Baby is breech.... not worrying about that right now. This baby has been so active that I swear it's trying to come through my actual belly, always kicking and rolling around. My hubs had his hand resting on my belly last night, during a movie, and eventually he said, "Calm down kid!" ..lol... so I'm not worried and I'm TRUSTING God and this baby, that it's gonna go where it's supposed to go when it's time... however... it'd be nice for it to settle head down cause I've learned by my own experience that breech baby contractions hurt... they are very uncomfortable. It's like I can tell that something's off, so it didn't surprise me to hear that baby is breech.

I don't like 3D ultrasounds very much, baby's face is distorted because of the umbilical cord being in it's face, which baby was caught sucking on... yum...  but if you notice, baby's big toe is touching it's forehead. 

_________________________________________________________

On a Christmas note: it was pointed out to me that the song Silent Night was originally in German.
 
"It was Dec. 24th ,1818 in a small Austrian village called Oberndorf, just hours before Christmas mass and pastor Joseph Mohr was in a bind. His musical plans for the evening church service were ruined since the organ of his church (St. Nicholas Kirche) had broken down recently due to a recent flooding of the nearby river. What could he do? In a moment of inspiration, he grabbed a Christmas poem he had written two years earlier and quickly set off to the neighbouring village, where his friend Franz Gruber, the church organist, lived.

It is believed that Franz Gruber was able to produce on that night in just a few short hours, the first version of the world renowned Christmas hymn “Stille Nacht”." (http://german.about.com/od/christmas/a/StilleNacht.htm)
The literal translation: 
"Silent night, holy night. All is sleeping, alone watches only the close, most holy couple.
Blessed boy in curly hair, sleep in heavenly peace!

Silent night, holy night. Shepherds just informed by the angels' hallelujah,
It rings out far and wide: Christ the Savior is here!

Silent night, holy night. Son of God, oh how laughs love out of Your divine mouth,
Because now the hour of salvation strikes for us. Christ, in Thy birth!"

I absolutely love reading lyrics to old hymns such as these, cause there is usually theological depth to it. Most songs, today, don't have a lot of depth to them, not that they are bad, but just not as artistic as they could be, especially one with talents that are God-given to write such poetry. This song, in particular, is so sweet and simple, describing this.... silent night of holiness. My, personal, break down version: 

While everyone sleeps, there is something so extreme happening. Something so life-altering.

While everyone sleeps, the attention of the heavens is upon this couple, bringing forth this Child, but not just any child, the Son of God. 

While everyone sleeps, the angels are illuminating the sky, and singing with heavenly voices that Christ the Savior is indeed here. I would've loved to see that.

While everyone sleeps, our Savior "laughs Love", sounds His voice, through human mouth, for the first time, beginning His journey of the greatest sacrifice. At this point, does He know and understand His destiny? 

While everyone sleeps, the hour of salvation is upon us, the pivotal moment where we now have a choice to make. Will we follow and believe that this is real? Will we believe that this Son of God, born this night, will save us? 

While everyone sleeps, will you awake to His whisper, His mouth close to your ear, as a lover is close, saying your name? 

Even while everyone sleeps?

I love the lyrics to Relient K's song "I Celebrate the Day" - 

" .. and I celebrate the day, that You were born to die, so I could one day pray for You to save my life."  

Sarah's Angel Day.... #5

Me and sleeping Sarah in my arms

wow..... I underestimated my emotions today. I'm chalking it up to being pregnant, which this would be my first time dealing with pregnant hormones and getting through this crappy weekend, but I'm having a more depressing time than I thought I would. Maybe it was always easier cause this day would land on another day other than a weekend day? Maybe cause no body is puking their guts up this year, which seems to be the case every year, gearing my mind away from the terrible memories?
For those of you who don't know, or possibly don't remember, Sarah died on the Sunday afternoon, the week before Christmas. So not only is the day December 17 ringing in my ears, but the motions of going through a Sunday afternoon with family after church, one week before Christmas, is equally, if not more, painful for me.
The hubs and I got into this small stupid argument and it was like knives to my heart, even though it was over something so ridiculous, that we would have normally ended up laughing at within 2 mins., especially since in my frustration, a whole heap of papers fell as I'm trying to find what we were looking for, which after all the papers fell, there laid the folder we were seeking. I found myself being completely stubborn in my irritation and anger, and plummeting into even more of a depression. Of course, later we mended, which made things better, but my stubbornness is really getting the better of me. I've ignored the phone today, cause I don't want to speak. I know.... kailan? not wanting to speak? Of course, I'll write, text, email, FB, whatever,... but speaking? There's nothing to say without crying.... do I feel like crying to people right now? Or having them hear my quivering voice? nope. I'm sure they know I'm crying anyway, so I ignore the everpresent ringing of the phone from all my family and friends that are trying to contact us on this "day of days"...

which I will add... Thank you, all of you... even the name on the caller ID means a lot to me, knowing that you are thinking of us and of our grief together over Sarah.

I can't help but think about the "loss" part of Sarah right now. My mind is consumed in my grief at the moment. I don't want to do anything, but of course, I have to. I look at my kids and can't help but think about that day. A day much like today, when we were so unaware of what was about to happen. How are whole world was about to change. How naive we were that "it could happen to us".

Is ignorance bliss? Is awareness a gift? I know the answers, truly, but can't seem to feel them right now. My ruthless attitude of stubbornness is making me defiant from seeking the Truth in that she is safe in His arms.

I'm waiting for that slow motion turning of my heart to let go of meditating on the pain.  

You know when people don't look you in the eye cause they are angry and you take their face and force them to look at you? I can't stand my face being touched in such a way. That's a quick way to get me to push away even farther. He knows I hate it when people do that more than anything. However, I can feel His fingertips on my chin, but He's not forcing me to move, I have to let Him. I have to do my part in letting His soft touch of His fingertips comfort me knowing He truly wants to look into my eyes cause He loves me.

Why do I have to be so stubborn?!

I'll get there..... probably after I'm done publishing this post, having that weight off of me. it helps.

Tesh's 18 mos. post op check up :)

.... AND I'm officially in my third trimester, that puts me at 28 weeks today! Woohoo.. so far so good. I have an ultra sound around the corner that'll hopefully ensure no cranio for this one! And we got to check on that placenta, which I'm optimistic about. :) Anywho,

Tesh: She turned 2 in October and her post op appt. (being 18 mos. post op) was yesterday.
      As we were driving out of town, it was so foggy, actually, it was foggy the whole day, but sitting in a car, the fog was ever present. I was taken back for a moment to the time when we drove away from the Cavanaugh house after Dad died when I was 16. It was foggy, much like this. As we coasted along the interstate, we saw these circular set of lights in the sky... We all gazed at them in question as to what they were. As we drew closer, we realized they were new street lights. :) We all had to laugh about it, even though it had been only hours after I gazed upon my Dad's lifeless body. That moment is etched in my memory, so as we drive past all those circular set of lights in the fog, I can't help myself but to be drawn back to the fresh air of the "new normal".
      I was very optimistic about this appt...... for once! I knew that Tesh was healthy, and that her head had been doing so well, so far, that why would it go wrong now? right? I tried to hold tight to this logic, going against my nature of pessimism.
We arrived to the hospital, ...late, of course.... and went straight to the Xray appt. first. I was saddened at the reality that I couldn't go with Tesh inside the xray room, for obvious pregnant reasons, so I had to keep her in her father's arms. Which I think she kind of preferred, since she's been attached to him lately... .. trader... :) I could hear her screaming, as I knew they were strapping her down, and... if you know Tesh.... you know that's a big "no no". She really doesn't like being here.

not happy :( Her lip is out and everything.

We got to the NS's office. Dr. M felt her head, and sat in silence.... for what seemed like forever, but it was probably about 20 seconds, in reality. Of course, this is plenty of time for me to think of a million questions, "what is he thinking?" " what is he gonna say to me?" "is he trying to find words to let me down gently?" "is it that bad?" "is it not that bad and he's not wanting to freak me out?" "He's freaking me out!" "SAY SOMETHING!!"
   Then he starts talking, with a smirk on his face. He explains that she'll always have these "soft spots", we don't need to be worried about her playing with having those soft spots, and he'll see us back in 2 years. What?! All that silence for that?.... well, I guess I'll take it. The weight melted off quickly as I realized what he was saying. I had to hear it still though, I asked, "So the xrays look good then?" He replies with a smile" Yes, they look very good. She is doing very well, especially for being only 18 mos. post op." Phew!!! What a relief, not only is she doing well, but better than well. I'll take that too!!

See the grey in the middle of the top of her skull? That's the "gel" bone still, not fused bone :)

Here's her lumpy profile. Forever lumpy... :)

 Then he starts small talk, which I thought was weird. Of all of a sudden, he's asking Isaiah where he's taking daddy to lunch. What neurosurgeon has time to have small talk like this? He must be having a good day himself... later it made us wonder if he sat in silence like that just to get a bit of a rise out of us, since it was such good news... you gotta think, that's probably the most entertainment he gets out of his job, since it's normally so serious. :)

University of Iowa Hospital Skywalk

     We left, Josh and I looking at eachother in relief, giving high fives....(yes, we do that still) and enjoying the rest of the day, knowing that at this moment everyone in our family is safe. ..... safe. What a wonderful feeling. One of those "heaven" moments. .....safe. No worries, enjoying life to it's fullest.... safe.

    





Of course, we stopped at Huhot.... Did you know there's a Huhot in Iowa City? We do!! It's on my top favorite restaurants list.

Isaiah took this picture. Me and Eve.

Eve, actually, took this one. She did very well!

Sisters lovin on eachother!

All of them lovin on eachother. This captures them perfectly.

Me and Eve being serious. Isaiah and Tesh being goofy.

Ok, fine! Let's all by goofy!!

Then, we stopped in the Amana's, which we love to do. Our normal places at the "The Chocolate Haus" and the wineries, trying different wines, and/or buying cheese and crackers.
       All in all, it was a great long day with great family time. The kids were really good during the whole thing. Yes, we cart all our kids around when we go to appt.s. It's actually really good for them. They like coming along and Isaiah learns so much and asks all these questions, stealing the hearts of every nurse he comes across. :)

If you've been following my blog at all, I'm sure you've read the stress around us. The family I talked about last post is still breathing through their "new normal".

Also, a very close friend of mine, recently had a miscarriage, that broke my heart. This was the very woman that fell to my feet when we lost Sarah, and now, I was holding her. It was her moment of brokenness and at first, she didn't want me around because of my belly (which I couldn't blame her although it broke my heart not to be able to be there for her) , but later, she allowed me to be there with her, she knew I loved her and that I knew her pain. She, too, is breathing....

This Saturday, December 17th, is Sarah's 5th "Angel Day". Missing her will never subside. 

I count my blessings. Oh, Lord, I count the blessings. Embracing Your plan can be so hard sometimes, but I am thankful for moments of Your peace and calm....
.....so for the Wings this Christmas, I am reminded that we are safe....