Sarah's Angel Day.... #5

Me and sleeping Sarah in my arms

wow..... I underestimated my emotions today. I'm chalking it up to being pregnant, which this would be my first time dealing with pregnant hormones and getting through this crappy weekend, but I'm having a more depressing time than I thought I would. Maybe it was always easier cause this day would land on another day other than a weekend day? Maybe cause no body is puking their guts up this year, which seems to be the case every year, gearing my mind away from the terrible memories?
For those of you who don't know, or possibly don't remember, Sarah died on the Sunday afternoon, the week before Christmas. So not only is the day December 17 ringing in my ears, but the motions of going through a Sunday afternoon with family after church, one week before Christmas, is equally, if not more, painful for me.
The hubs and I got into this small stupid argument and it was like knives to my heart, even though it was over something so ridiculous, that we would have normally ended up laughing at within 2 mins., especially since in my frustration, a whole heap of papers fell as I'm trying to find what we were looking for, which after all the papers fell, there laid the folder we were seeking. I found myself being completely stubborn in my irritation and anger, and plummeting into even more of a depression. Of course, later we mended, which made things better, but my stubbornness is really getting the better of me. I've ignored the phone today, cause I don't want to speak. I know.... kailan? not wanting to speak? Of course, I'll write, text, email, FB, whatever,... but speaking? There's nothing to say without crying.... do I feel like crying to people right now? Or having them hear my quivering voice? nope. I'm sure they know I'm crying anyway, so I ignore the everpresent ringing of the phone from all my family and friends that are trying to contact us on this "day of days"...

which I will add... Thank you, all of you... even the name on the caller ID means a lot to me, knowing that you are thinking of us and of our grief together over Sarah.

I can't help but think about the "loss" part of Sarah right now. My mind is consumed in my grief at the moment. I don't want to do anything, but of course, I have to. I look at my kids and can't help but think about that day. A day much like today, when we were so unaware of what was about to happen. How are whole world was about to change. How naive we were that "it could happen to us".

Is ignorance bliss? Is awareness a gift? I know the answers, truly, but can't seem to feel them right now. My ruthless attitude of stubbornness is making me defiant from seeking the Truth in that she is safe in His arms.

I'm waiting for that slow motion turning of my heart to let go of meditating on the pain.  

You know when people don't look you in the eye cause they are angry and you take their face and force them to look at you? I can't stand my face being touched in such a way. That's a quick way to get me to push away even farther. He knows I hate it when people do that more than anything. However, I can feel His fingertips on my chin, but He's not forcing me to move, I have to let Him. I have to do my part in letting His soft touch of His fingertips comfort me knowing He truly wants to look into my eyes cause He loves me.

Why do I have to be so stubborn?!

I'll get there..... probably after I'm done publishing this post, having that weight off of me. it helps.