Postpartum Life with Naomi (and a side bar)

The very first night- was a new experience for me. She was born at 11:04pm, so when 2am rolled around, people started going home, my mom stayed with us and fell asleep on our couch. The hubs was dealing with some cranky children cause they'd been up way too long in all the excitement. The lights went out, and I was holding a sleeping baby in my arms, looking around a quiet house full of sleeping people.

That freaked me out. I thought, I don't have the nurses as a second, third eye on this hours old baby of mine. Who was to watch her? "Mommy" I confess, I went to bed, brought her in with me, put her on chest, and twilight slept. That was the only thing I could do. I couldn't, in a clear conscience, leave her "alone" (which would mean, in my book, putting her down, for no one to make sure she was ok)

Ok, fine. I did that the first several nights. I've been better. :) I'm not one to advocate co-sleeping, but being a SIDS parent, this almost amplified the need to have her in my arms even more.

It's been nice being completely responsible for her well being. Giving her first baths, no poking her and taking unnecessary blood, changing all her diapers, not having some crabby nurse shoving me around trying to get baby to nurse, no night checks for vitals. Nothing but calm. Nothing but me. and I'm good with that.

I was on this "high" for several days, walking around, feeling overall good and in control, resting when needed, cuddling with all my kids, and holding my baby as much as I wanted. I was able to eat my own food, sleep in my own bed, beside my husband*. It was great.

After my high wore down, it wasn't as bad as I remember it usually is. I felt fine still, little tired, but not sick like I normally do. I did have this ongoing hormonal headache for 4 days, but it's finally subsided.

My husband has done an excellent job keeping house and taking care of me and the kids, leaving me to our newest.

We are one week and 5 days out...... now for my rawness.....

Good grief, I've been completely stressed mainly the last few days. There is a side issue in our lives that weighs very heavy on me, however it would be not appropriate for me to disclose it here, tears and anger have resulted from it and I know that I need to forgive and grow from it. That's just easier said than done. I hate the phrase "Forgive and forget." It's so far from the Truth. I don't believe it ever really says anything like it in the Bible either. If I forget the situation that I'm in right now, I will not remember it to learn from it. I have learned a lot......now the forgiving part. That can be hard for me, especially when things haven't really changed, same old relationship. So basically, I must forgive a relationship that remains before it kills me.

My husband, God bless him, has already moved on with forgiveness, cause that's one of the gifts God has given him. A spirit of forgiveness. Not my strong suit. Just being honest.

THEN I went to my midwife appt. for her to check Naomi out, and she lost 5 more ounces, she's still jaundice (cause all these 37 weekers are) and we are thinking she's just too sleepy, she's not getting enough. So it's back to supplimenting with each feeding, luckily, I already have some milk stored, but this makes me sad. I'm having nightmares from dealing with Tesh's health issues and the midwife had to remind me that this is a different baby. That didn't stop me from crying desperate tears as I stepped outside. It was raining, which brought a special song to my heart. "Come Down" by Brie Stoner. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YU_8xDh5GY


So where does that leave me? In a world of hurt...... yes. painfully. by my own anal-ness......ahhhhh, stubborn I am. and it's the very stubbornness that I'm going to have to rewire in order to get through this. Levelheadedness is not easy to come by while being in postpartum. I must use the things God has already given me to rise to the occasion. I need to step out of my corner, and let Him burn my heart so I can forgive, and grow. I need to let His rain soothe me so I can know Naomi will be alright.

I woke up this morning, not even recognizing myself. My eyes are puffy, and my body aches. I am a mess, but I can't let the deceiver win me over.

O Lord, I am so weak. Be my strength.

I DID IT!!!!! Naomi Sarai's Home Birth After Cesarean...

I am on a high right now, but I'll try to focus to get you all some details of how this went down. I'll try and write this as short as possible....

After Tuesday's appt. I was having 20 min. apart contractions, never ceasing. I was waiting, and waiting... and waiting. Not getting any sleep or anything, but was still encouraged by the progress made from Tuesday's findings (dilated 3, 80%, 0 station) I went back to the midwife Friday morning, completely exhausted seeking any information on any progress. Little did I know a bomb was going to be dropped. I was remaining so optimistic, outside of my nature, and things were going so well. She told me my "group B strep" test came back positive, (I've never had that before, and it can be fatal to babies if contracted) So I needed to start a serious round of antibiotics ASAP. She found I was then dilated to 4, but said that the babies head was no longer low like before. So high, in fact, her head was off to the side a little. My heart sank because of what happened with Tesh. She also noticed my bag of waters was bulging because of it. That's a risk, if it breaks, because the cord could come down first, which is very dangerous, it's an automatic emergency c-section if that were to happen.  Then, she listened to heart tones, which were very high, (anywhere from 160s-upper 180s) but the fluctuation made her feel a little better about it, but we didn't know why it was so high.She went ahead and "swept" me to help things get going, but didn't want to do anything too crazy, so I could have time to take antibiotics.

I went away from that appt. feeling completely defeated. I cried, panicked, lost my confidence in being able to do this. There were so many things going against me now. I started having contractions, finally! and I felt myself fighting them. Not wanting labor to happen now, because I was scared. Here's where the kicker is for me. I have faith that God will carry out His will. I have faith in God's promises that He works all things for good.... Does that promise life on earth? Nope. How does that comfort me? It doesn't. I had to have my freak out moment, and push it aside, getting back to business.

We went to Panera Bread for lunch, and I was contracting pretty well. I wanted to be home, so we went home. We tried all different "calming" techniques to make sure this was real labor, and not something that was going to go away. After taking tylenol, hot bath, yes, a glass of wine, these contractions were not stopping. It was late afternoon, and we were more positive that this was happening. I wasn't quite over my panicking at the moment, so a few more tears were shed, before I was able to get ahold of myself.

Midwife's asst. came to check my progress at 7pm? I was dilated to 6 and baby was lower once again. Phew! that's better. Contractions were coming strong and I stayed in my "trough" (pool;) I loved being in there. I labored almost the whole time in the water. Then things got "pushy". I pushed my hardest I could in the water, but little progress was being made. Midwife could feel no cord in the way, so that made me feel a whole lot better. But I still couldn't do it, and I don't ever have a problem pushing babies out. All of the sudden, something started to emerge as I pushed...  Midwife says, "that's not a head." I asked, "What is it!!??" In panic. cause really.... that can't be good. I was pushing my bladder out! No joke! But figuring out it was the bladder, just weirded me out. Adding another awkward thing for me to think about. I wanted to keep my bladder. LOL...

They suggested I get out, and I decided to do just that. I needed the gravity of land, and not the buoyancy of water to help me push this baby out. I got out, Josh sat on the floor, with all these blankets and chux pads and I sat in front of him, it was nice being in his arms at such an uncertain time cause once again, I was feeling defeated. I pushed my all, and finally, freaking painfully, the baby emerged within minutes. I know I screamed that last bit as her head emerged with the rest of her body, but everyone else was screaming with me. She was put on my chest right away, and covered in towels so fast, that I plum forgot to even look at what gender she was, cause we didn't know the sex yet. After several seconds, people are asking me, "what is it??!!" I lifted my prize up and it was another girl :) That leaves my Isaiah with 4 little sisters, and no brothers. He was disappointed at first, but the next morning he was completely in love. Eve is so proud, and Tesh has no idea what's going on. lol. Isaiah and Eve were there, watching the whole thing in fascination, but Tesh was asleep.

We named this little bundle Naomi Sarai. Born February 17th at 11:04pm, weighing in at 6 lbs. 4oz, 20 1/2 inches long. She pinked up so fast, I didn't have time to get anxious about color or anything. I got back in the pool for some good soaking and nursed her. She is a nurser!!! She did awesome. I was so awake and alive and so was she. She was so content and vigorous with her nursing, that it made this whole craziness so worth it.

It turned out to be not at all what I expected. However, my goal was accomplished, none the less. I had a vaginal birth after cesarean, AT HOME!!! There are still things Josh and I are experiencing that are way better than being in the hospital. I have no regrets. I'm so happy. I'm completely relieved it's over, and I thank God for holding us, and ensuring our safety through all this, even though the odds were against us. Thank you to every one that kept us in prayer, as we couldn't have done it without that either. Your prayers interceded in a way, you may never realize.

Incredible Submission

I've been reading lots of blogs, stories, watching videos, that better educate me about home birth. There is a common denominator with home births, as opposed to hospital births. this incredible submission.

I've done 3 hospital births, and 1 c-section, so I know what it's like going into the state of labor sitting in a hospital room. There are choices. I could go completely natural, I could take some drugs, I could take the epidural, I could have a c-section (yes, some elect for this if able). At home, I have none of those options. I have nothing do to but to submit.

It's been amazing learning about the mindset that I must be in when laboring and delivering at home. I watch these videos of these calm women laboring and receiving their babies, and I think, "How do they do that?"

They submit, with no fear. They give up their bodies, to the way that God designed for them to birth babies. They remain calm because they do not fear what their bodies are capable of because of "Who" designed them. They trust. They trust that if they lay down everything, then the process will take it's place as God intended it to. This incredible submission takes place, because if you fight it, it's more painful. If you fear, it's more painful. It seems in order to have an easier labor, you must submit, and trust, and remain fearless.

phew! That sounds...... terrifying in and of itself. "You must remain fearless?" The thought of needing to remain fearless, intimidates me. Ha! oxymoron? maybe to some. So how does one accomplish this... "remaining fearless and submitting fully to God's design?"

I study. I prepare. I ready myself. I figure out all there is to know about natural births and I hold onto the promises that God has given me through His word.

  "I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. "   Psalm 34:4 

"Stand still and consider the wondrous works of God. "   Job 37:14 

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."   Philippians 4:13
 
"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline."  II Timothy 1:7

These are just a few,. That last one packs a punch with me. Not only through Him does He give power, and love, but discipline. Discipline! Another translation of that would be self-control, ladies and gentlemen. I must have self-control as I labor. Self-control over my worry, my fears, my panic, my pain tolerance, my mindset. Enough self-control to trust, remain calm, remain relaxed. Enough self-control to let go of it all.... to submit.


I have learned so much during this whole process, and I'm not done yet. Soon my submission will be put to the test, as I breathe through my labor. Does this mean that everything will go fine? There could be complications still. Something bad could happen. I am aware of this. But I cannot dwell on the negative, otherwise the positive won't have a chance. I have to know that whatever happens, God is on His throne and that nothing is a surprise to Him.


I don't know about the guys, but girls? What an incredible lesson, that we get to experience first hand. We are not here, "only" to produce babies. We are children of God. We must learn what submission means, not only for our husbands sake, but more importantly for God's sake. We are all called to submit ourselves to God. What a lesson it is to have these experiences to teach us what it truly means to submit, because by God's design, He created us for something so much more than what meets the eye.

So in my hour of bringing forth this life that God has created, I will experience incredible submission in a way that I haven't fully experienced before.

.... and that, after reading God's word, and learning all I can about birth, excites me.

Baby is getting ready!

Ok! I'm so very excited, almost like an excited nervousness. I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on my progress.

First of all, Thanks Be To God!!! I have made it to full term because of His mercy and the way He designed my body to carry and it is He who gives a mother the instincts she needs to know when to act and when to stay calm, and I have gotten this far, to full term, with no hospital freak outs, no labor stopping drugs, no bedrest. I have been getting very tired and exhausted cause I am 1 1/2 weeks into my crazy prodromal contractions. (false/yet very early labor) These contractions wake me at night, and make me feel overall, incredibly tired. I usually do this for a couple weeks, so any day now, I'm feeling this will happen. :)

I had my midwife appt. and there was some very surprising, and exciting news! I am dilated to 3, 80% effaced, starting to lose "the plug", and she ends it with, "and what's more impressive is that baby is stationed at 0." Now, for those of you who don't understand this. Negative numbers, -1, -2, -3, all mean how high baby is in the birth canal. Any positive numbers, are basically pushing baby out. So the fact that baby is sitting at a 0 means, that baby is in position (head down, mind you!) and ready to go. Any lower and the baby is coming out!

I am in the "safe" zone to having this baby at home (very close to 37 weeks), which is so incredibly exciting. I literally put in the last few things into the "Birth" day tote, (supplies for the midwife and I) and my birthing "trough" (pool) came in a few days ago, and I'm now excitedly getting the last few things in order. Everything is sitting in our living room, ready to be used for this event. I completed big paper bags, one for each kid, holding little activities and snacks for them to have while waiting for baby's arrival. They are getting so excited, finding baby clothes out, and we were just 'aw-ing" over the little newborn diapers. I've worked so hard, in all my tiredness, to get everything ready, and it's finally happening soon!

So we'll see what happens. I will do my best in keeping everyone updated, on my progress as it comes. Prayers would be appreciated for the safe arrival of this baby and for my health to remain well. I'm trying to remain calm, collected, and relaxed, but who seriously can do that when this news is so crazy exciting... and shocking??

Thanks for any prayers already sent our way. I'm trusting that God will see me through this, and have confidence that He is holding us and will not let us go. He has designed my body to birth babies, and so birthing a baby is what I'm going to do. :) The hubs is in shock, but maybe it'll come to him, when he's holding his newest daughter or son! lol...

Source of Suffocation

Before I got out of the van, I knew what we were about to see. I was ok, content, knowing that whatever happened, it would be God-driven. I prepared all my "wingdings" on proper etiquette in such an environment. (which only lasted the first hour) We came through the doors not recognizing a lot of people. Faces that seemed maybe vaguely familiar, but not certain. We stood in line. I held my son's hand, stepping closer every few minutes. I prepared the kids for who they were about to see and what it meant to be here, now.

She saw me and suffocated. I wanted to cut in line and grab her so she could breathe, but I couldn't. I composed. I watched pictures go by on a screen, soaking in the realness of the moment. I looked her way, as she talked with others, relieved, she too, had composed somewhat. 

We arrived. I held my children's hands as I told them, "See? There's baby Brenna. She is in heaven now." Isaiah said she looked so pretty. Eve was so curious. Tesh? stayed safe in her father's arms.

He clinched onto my husband. Two fathers, crying the same tears. Knowing that they knew eachother's pain, before even speaking a word. She saw me once again, and suffocated. This time, I could hold her. Two mother's, crying the same tears. Knowing that we knew eachother's pain, before even speaking a word. My tears washed my face. Her pain was my pain. Their pain was our pain.

Fellowship.

Although these are truly friends of ours, we knew our ultimate worth, at this moment, weighed heavy on the fact that we, too, have suffocated and lived to tell the story.

I told him to breathe, and he quickly asked "How?"

I had no answer for him.

I wanted to answer him.... but I had nothing. Nothing to give, but my fellowship. ((and hugs))

There were many tears shed between us. Their honesty was refreshing, but it burned at the same time. I don't suffocate much anymore. Time has allowed space for breathing. But seeing them tonight, watching their family, they have a 2 year old as well. (Isaiah was 2 when we lost Sarah.) It was like looking at a mirror. We were taken back in time, remembering everything.

The rawness.... the emotions that go through your head. Going from crying so much you can't breathe, to not being able to cry. Going from laughing, to anger. Going from sitting still, not moving cause you have no energy, to having the urge to run away. You suffocate. Your heart literally screams. It's like screaming under water. No one else can hear you. You look at eachother thinking... "how are we going to get through this? do I even want to get through this?"

I felt my baby move within me and I have pretty much made it to full term. I have so much to be thankful for. Eve went up so many times, cause she wanted to see baby Brenna again, she was just so curious. Isaiah was entertaining girls with a bug. Tesh is a healthy, playful little diva, despite what she's gone through. And Sarah is safe. I have so much to be thankful for.

As we prayed over this couple, desperate cries were made. This father, was preparing a sermon for his daughter's funeral. In his eyes, he is a wreck. But what I saw, was a Pastor that had a humility that all pastors should have when readying for a sermon. He wanted to make sure that his message was heard, cause it was the message of Christ, seen through his daughter's life. Resulting to her death here on earth, but that she lives because of Christ. God has him in this perfect place cause he is, after all, the senior pastor of his church, and has a congregation dying to know what he has to say.

May God take you over, Jeriah, and use you to the fullest. May God give you peace, Shawna, and use you to the fullest. May God give big sister Hannah the awareness that only amplifies the natural awareness of a child's faith. Breathe, and know that He will take care of the rest.  

Baby Brenna Lynn. 12/20/11 - 2/2/12