That freaked me out. I thought, I don't have the nurses as a second, third eye on this hours old baby of mine. Who was to watch her? "Mommy" I confess, I went to bed, brought her in with me, put her on chest, and twilight slept. That was the only thing I could do. I couldn't, in a clear conscience, leave her "alone" (which would mean, in my book, putting her down, for no one to make sure she was ok)
Ok, fine. I did that the first several nights. I've been better. :) I'm not one to advocate co-sleeping, but being a SIDS parent, this almost amplified the need to have her in my arms even more.
It's been nice being completely responsible for her well being. Giving her first baths, no poking her and taking unnecessary blood, changing all her diapers, not having some crabby nurse shoving me around trying to get baby to nurse, no night checks for vitals. Nothing but calm. Nothing but me. and I'm good with that.
I was on this "high" for several days, walking around, feeling overall good and in control, resting when needed, cuddling with all my kids, and holding my baby as much as I wanted. I was able to eat my own food, sleep in my own bed, beside my husband*. It was great.
After my high wore down, it wasn't as bad as I remember it usually is. I felt fine still, little tired, but not sick like I normally do. I did have this ongoing hormonal headache for 4 days, but it's finally subsided.
My husband has done an excellent job keeping house and taking care of me and the kids, leaving me to our newest.
We are one week and 5 days out...... now for my rawness.....
Good grief, I've been completely stressed mainly the last few days. There is a side issue in our lives that weighs very heavy on me, however it would be not appropriate for me to disclose it here, tears and anger have resulted from it and I know that I need to forgive and grow from it. That's just easier said than done. I hate the phrase "Forgive and forget." It's so far from the Truth. I don't believe it ever really says anything like it in the Bible either. If I forget the situation that I'm in right now, I will not remember it to learn from it. I have learned a lot......now the forgiving part. That can be hard for me, especially when things haven't really changed, same old relationship. So basically, I must forgive a relationship that remains before it kills me.
My husband, God bless him, has already moved on with forgiveness, cause that's one of the gifts God has given him. A spirit of forgiveness. Not my strong suit. Just being honest.
THEN I went to my midwife appt. for her to check Naomi out, and she lost 5 more ounces, she's still jaundice (cause all these 37 weekers are) and we are thinking she's just too sleepy, she's not getting enough. So it's back to supplimenting with each feeding, luckily, I already have some milk stored, but this makes me sad. I'm having nightmares from dealing with Tesh's health issues and the midwife had to remind me that this is a different baby. That didn't stop me from crying desperate tears as I stepped outside. It was raining, which brought a special song to my heart. "Come Down" by Brie Stoner. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YU_8xDh5GY
So where does that leave me? In a world of hurt...... yes. painfully. by my own anal-ness......ahhhhh, stubborn I am. and it's the very stubbornness that I'm going to have to rewire in order to get through this. Levelheadedness is not easy to come by while being in postpartum. I must use the things God has already given me to rise to the occasion. I need to step out of my corner, and let Him burn my heart so I can forgive, and grow. I need to let His rain soothe me so I can know Naomi will be alright.
I woke up this morning, not even recognizing myself. My eyes are puffy, and my body aches. I am a mess, but I can't let the deceiver win me over.
O Lord, I am so weak. Be my strength.
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