Source of Suffocation

Before I got out of the van, I knew what we were about to see. I was ok, content, knowing that whatever happened, it would be God-driven. I prepared all my "wingdings" on proper etiquette in such an environment. (which only lasted the first hour) We came through the doors not recognizing a lot of people. Faces that seemed maybe vaguely familiar, but not certain. We stood in line. I held my son's hand, stepping closer every few minutes. I prepared the kids for who they were about to see and what it meant to be here, now.

She saw me and suffocated. I wanted to cut in line and grab her so she could breathe, but I couldn't. I composed. I watched pictures go by on a screen, soaking in the realness of the moment. I looked her way, as she talked with others, relieved, she too, had composed somewhat. 

We arrived. I held my children's hands as I told them, "See? There's baby Brenna. She is in heaven now." Isaiah said she looked so pretty. Eve was so curious. Tesh? stayed safe in her father's arms.

He clinched onto my husband. Two fathers, crying the same tears. Knowing that they knew eachother's pain, before even speaking a word. She saw me once again, and suffocated. This time, I could hold her. Two mother's, crying the same tears. Knowing that we knew eachother's pain, before even speaking a word. My tears washed my face. Her pain was my pain. Their pain was our pain.

Fellowship.

Although these are truly friends of ours, we knew our ultimate worth, at this moment, weighed heavy on the fact that we, too, have suffocated and lived to tell the story.

I told him to breathe, and he quickly asked "How?"

I had no answer for him.

I wanted to answer him.... but I had nothing. Nothing to give, but my fellowship. ((and hugs))

There were many tears shed between us. Their honesty was refreshing, but it burned at the same time. I don't suffocate much anymore. Time has allowed space for breathing. But seeing them tonight, watching their family, they have a 2 year old as well. (Isaiah was 2 when we lost Sarah.) It was like looking at a mirror. We were taken back in time, remembering everything.

The rawness.... the emotions that go through your head. Going from crying so much you can't breathe, to not being able to cry. Going from laughing, to anger. Going from sitting still, not moving cause you have no energy, to having the urge to run away. You suffocate. Your heart literally screams. It's like screaming under water. No one else can hear you. You look at eachother thinking... "how are we going to get through this? do I even want to get through this?"

I felt my baby move within me and I have pretty much made it to full term. I have so much to be thankful for. Eve went up so many times, cause she wanted to see baby Brenna again, she was just so curious. Isaiah was entertaining girls with a bug. Tesh is a healthy, playful little diva, despite what she's gone through. And Sarah is safe. I have so much to be thankful for.

As we prayed over this couple, desperate cries were made. This father, was preparing a sermon for his daughter's funeral. In his eyes, he is a wreck. But what I saw, was a Pastor that had a humility that all pastors should have when readying for a sermon. He wanted to make sure that his message was heard, cause it was the message of Christ, seen through his daughter's life. Resulting to her death here on earth, but that she lives because of Christ. God has him in this perfect place cause he is, after all, the senior pastor of his church, and has a congregation dying to know what he has to say.

May God take you over, Jeriah, and use you to the fullest. May God give you peace, Shawna, and use you to the fullest. May God give big sister Hannah the awareness that only amplifies the natural awareness of a child's faith. Breathe, and know that He will take care of the rest.  

Baby Brenna Lynn. 12/20/11 - 2/2/12