Optimistic?

I'm not very good at being optimistic, ...
however, today has felt great!
I think Naomi may be finally turning the corner here. She was weighed several days ago and has shown some progress. We are 4 oz. heavier. This is not the best, I know, but it's not bad either. There's still some quirky issues with her, but we are seeing some good differences in her. She's not looking so frail anymore. She's nursing a little better, getting fuller feedings in. (of course, I'm still supplementing a little after half of her feedings just to get more in her) She doesn't poop very often still but hopefully that'll change soon.
and she's sooooo close to smiling at me. I can see it in her eyes at times, that she wants to. I just hope Daddy doesn't get the first smile (as always)... he IS a goofy guy though, I'll give him that!

I just wanted to let everyone know I'm not as depressed as I've been lately. It's up and down for me. I still consider myself unstable, but things are getting better. We are in so many transitions right now, so it's all I can do to stay as level headed as possible.... ha..... anywho.
The hubs is in between 2 jobs right now. By day, he worked with special needs students and he loved it. Although he'll be working in the same field, he's signed onto a different place that cares for adults with special needs and starts "training" in 2 days. He's also resigned from his position as youth pastor and we had decided to go back to our "home" church to get recharged for the next place God will take us to. It's been nice to see old "family". :)

Why all these changes? God has been moving, providing, and guiding us. It's been so refreshing to be where God would have us right now. I know, we're still in transition, but that is where we must be needing to be right now. We are taking a step back to reflect, heal, grow, learn, recharge, reboot, and that is what is happening.

We are so grateful for our dedicated friends and family that have helped us through this transition. We have felt fellowship for all it's worth, being in this transition. The "body" of Christ has been holding us, and because of His touch, I know we will make it through all this chaos, and I'm reminded of the bigger purpose.

ps. some people have wondered some things and just to clarify.

 My bladder is ok. :)

AND Josh and I have been doing well together through all this. No ones perfect, but with every trial we face, we get closer and learn how to work together all the more. We keep looking at each other, saying, "No one can touch this!" haha. Is it ok to be boastful about our good marriage? Naw, I adore Yesh, and I KNOW he ADORES me. :) We're not perfect.... we've had our issues to work through, but honestly? with all the crap we've been through? It's a make or make better for us. Our favorite is choosing the latter. :) ("make or break" in marriage is not in my vocabulary)

Remembering a Victory- PICTURES!!

couldn't have had better timing...

Naomi- one month old

My struggles with depression are almost inevitable. My last post was an honest raw poem that's been eating away at me. I always fall back to that dark place, but the light through the cracks in the door always seem to catch my face.

My husband and I went to a concert recently with some dear friends, and I was reminded of the beauty Light truly is. The music was moving my soul and their words were whispering in my ears, "We got your back." "This is not the end" I left there feeling better about my situation. but then all it takes is a glance at my frail daughter, and my world comes sinking in again. She'll be weighed again soon, but as of my knowledge today, she has remained the same weight as last time, and I still have yet to see her birth weight.

Then being with church/family always helps me keep my mind on other things, but one more look at my daughter, my world sinks still. It's hard to think about this normal little infant being "like" a preemie. She makes me feel like I don't know how to nurse her, when I've successfully nursed 3 babies prior. Ah, Tesh, she kinda ruined my confidence in this area. I know Naomi's issue is small and through time and hard work, she will gain the strength she needs to nurse and thrive. I just don't know what this kind of success looks like. I haven't gotten that far yet. I look at Naomi's little face, and her eyes meet mine and I smile but it's so painful to smile most of the time. Her little hand will clench on to my finger and my heart melts, but then my fingers curve around the rest of her arm and all I feel is skin and bones. She is strong though, just not strong enough, apparently. I don't say all this to worry anyone. I'm doing enough of that all by myself. She is not failure to thrive. She is slow weight gain. and I have issues. 

I was just given THE pictures of my homebirth from the wonderful photographer we had there. (Kaitlin Wessman Photography..http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kaitlin-Wessman-Photography/236042179757299)  I needed this reminder that I have, in fact, succeeded in great things by doing what I did. And that this can not take my joy away from me, just because there is a speed bump.

Here's a glimpse into this wonderful event. To read my birth story, you can go down a few posts and find it.
Enjoy!  (most of the pics are from the KWphotography, some are ones taken by family)

Tesh enjoying the water

in between transition contractions

Eve is excited about the water as well. So was mommy :)

starting to push! Aunt Angie holding Isaiah

16 yr. old niece Ashley holding Eve...
 this was probably when we realized my bladder was coming out. Their faces are hilarious!

Josh getting ready to embrace me as I push "on land"

alright..the only picture I'll post of THE HARDEST part of this whole thing.

and there SHE is!!! NOT my bladder :) my precious pink baby!

DADDY putting her first diaper and outfit on :)

Tesh just waking up. I'm not sure she believed us that this baby was our baby. 

not even 24 hours old

this is what happens when...

Noami Sarai-  February 2012
love love love her :)

Predominantly Melancholy

defeat?
that sounds right
i hold her frail body and think
         what happened to my joy?
this is my curse
i hate depression
  and he hates me
my preceding failure is blinding me
                     he wants me to suffocate
it's working
still so much hurt
                                 so much weight
my anger bruises my heart
  yet my tears remain for her
        the silver lining is
 so far away
i know the Truth
 does not come without pain
i carry this cross
suffering as it should be
                                       trudging to my death
when will He come to touch me?
defeat.
       knowing it's not there doesn't
convince me enough
     i hear the words          over        and over
said with sensitivity like a knife
                                                 to my heart
i hold her frail body up against mine

what happened to my joy?




                                                         


                                                                        ...yes, Lord.
                                                                                      i remember.

Full Sized Preemie??

Ahhh.... why do I ever think that I'll ever have a normal baby again? Isaiah was my only "normal" infant. He nursed, he slept, he grew, and was perfect. He was only 3 days early, and his birth weight was 6lbs. 12oz.

Sarah was normal and gained weight better than Isaiah, but then we lost her to SIDS. and that was one of the most confusing parts about it. Her birth weight was 6 lbs. 6 oz.

Eve was born a whole month early, and came out nursing well, but had premature apnea. That was terrifying. Her birth weight was 6lb. 12 oz.  (full sized preemie)

Tesh.... lol..... She was the worst of them all. Failure to thrive, MSPI, dysphagia, craniosynostosis (yes I can still spell that correctly) Her birth weight was 6 lbs. 6 oz. (full sized preemie)

Naomi, Birth weight 6 lbs. 4oz. And now weighs 5lbs. 5oz. and we haven't been able to get her to go back up yet. I'm already hearing the words, "She's nursing like a preemie" from my midwife. Good thing I kept all my "gear" from Tesh's issues cause it's all coming back out. 

I'm looking at this situation as a whole, and thinking.... "my body only allows my babies to be a certain size.... whether they are ready or not." It makes me want to fire my body. That's right. Be done having babies. It breaks my heart, but to keep doing this? having these babies that need preemie attention? and it's getting very difficult having babies like this, with all the kids I've stocked up. lol

It's weird because it was like Sarah was more this event, this pivotal time where life was way less complicated (within our small family unit), and then after she died, it was like, "full speed ahead" and it hasn't stopped.

I'm not complaining too much about Naomi's issues, I know they are small. She is still alive and these issues will resolve with lots of hard work (tired sigh) but there's this instant "defeated" feeling, as a mom, as a baby making vessel.

I find myself asking God, "Why am I doing this again?" "What is the lesson in all this?" "Have I not persevered enough?" "Have I not served You well enough?" "What shall I learn to make this situation go away?" "How long this time?" "Is it in Your plan for us to have rest?"

Then I come around... and think about all the people we've been able to reach, or help, because of all the chaos we've been through. Most of you know this, but my husband is a Youth Pastor, some day aspiring to plant a church.

hmmmmm..... that might be why. Being in the ministry has it's challenges all by itself. But it's our survival through these things, that's made our ministry strong and relational.

Why am I doing this again? cause He trusts me.
What is the lesson in all this? patience, endurance, hope, etc....
Have I not persevered enough? my guess is, "no"
Have I not served You well enough? that's why He trusts me... my guess
What shall I learn to make this situation go away? lol.... yep
How long this time? As long as it takes for me to make His child healthy and ready for His ministry.
Is it in Your plan for us to have rest? He does.... I'm just complaining.

Why am I doing this again? cause He trusts me.