Full Sized Preemie??

Ahhh.... why do I ever think that I'll ever have a normal baby again? Isaiah was my only "normal" infant. He nursed, he slept, he grew, and was perfect. He was only 3 days early, and his birth weight was 6lbs. 12oz.

Sarah was normal and gained weight better than Isaiah, but then we lost her to SIDS. and that was one of the most confusing parts about it. Her birth weight was 6 lbs. 6 oz.

Eve was born a whole month early, and came out nursing well, but had premature apnea. That was terrifying. Her birth weight was 6lb. 12 oz.  (full sized preemie)

Tesh.... lol..... She was the worst of them all. Failure to thrive, MSPI, dysphagia, craniosynostosis (yes I can still spell that correctly) Her birth weight was 6 lbs. 6 oz. (full sized preemie)

Naomi, Birth weight 6 lbs. 4oz. And now weighs 5lbs. 5oz. and we haven't been able to get her to go back up yet. I'm already hearing the words, "She's nursing like a preemie" from my midwife. Good thing I kept all my "gear" from Tesh's issues cause it's all coming back out. 

I'm looking at this situation as a whole, and thinking.... "my body only allows my babies to be a certain size.... whether they are ready or not." It makes me want to fire my body. That's right. Be done having babies. It breaks my heart, but to keep doing this? having these babies that need preemie attention? and it's getting very difficult having babies like this, with all the kids I've stocked up. lol

It's weird because it was like Sarah was more this event, this pivotal time where life was way less complicated (within our small family unit), and then after she died, it was like, "full speed ahead" and it hasn't stopped.

I'm not complaining too much about Naomi's issues, I know they are small. She is still alive and these issues will resolve with lots of hard work (tired sigh) but there's this instant "defeated" feeling, as a mom, as a baby making vessel.

I find myself asking God, "Why am I doing this again?" "What is the lesson in all this?" "Have I not persevered enough?" "Have I not served You well enough?" "What shall I learn to make this situation go away?" "How long this time?" "Is it in Your plan for us to have rest?"

Then I come around... and think about all the people we've been able to reach, or help, because of all the chaos we've been through. Most of you know this, but my husband is a Youth Pastor, some day aspiring to plant a church.

hmmmmm..... that might be why. Being in the ministry has it's challenges all by itself. But it's our survival through these things, that's made our ministry strong and relational.

Why am I doing this again? cause He trusts me.
What is the lesson in all this? patience, endurance, hope, etc....
Have I not persevered enough? my guess is, "no"
Have I not served You well enough? that's why He trusts me... my guess
What shall I learn to make this situation go away? lol.... yep
How long this time? As long as it takes for me to make His child healthy and ready for His ministry.
Is it in Your plan for us to have rest? He does.... I'm just complaining.

Why am I doing this again? cause He trusts me.