I've had a busy last few days, plummeting into another depression over how much my body is failing. Apparently, according to my own observation, my body can't carry babies past a certain weight, no matter if they are ready or not, AND my milk just won't keep up anymore, no matter what I do.
I have officially heard the words yesterday as my wonderful nurse was dropping off medicine to me cause I now have mastitis on top of all this. She is, indeed, failure to thrive. I looked it up online to see what her growth chart looked like and she is not on the chart at all. The midwife and nurse have been great advocates for my nursing and we've all been thinking of new things to try and get her to gain weight, but now it's coming to a point where we can't wait any longer to "try" things. She needs the weight on and needs it now. Her last weigh in was not good, as it was only 3oz. more than last time. When I saw this I knew I had to change things up and I wasn't going to like it. We've been introducing soy formula to help supplement and she seems to be doing well with it. (thank God, no intolerance)
I didn't realize how bad she was, and those words are sounding all too familiar. After 24 hrs. of feeding her with lots of extra supplement, she was fussing while I was making breakfast for the kids yesterday. When I finally got to her, I noticed tears. I remember seeing tears when she cried when she was within 2 weeks old, but hadn't seem them in so long, and I realized.... "was she that dehydrated?" How could I have not seen it? I'm being honest here, I feel I have failed in so many things with her. I made her gaining weight such a priority that I was neglecting my other kids cause I always had her in my arms, and I still couldn't get her to gain. I don't blame my intentions or my heart in it, I blame my body. Josh and I have even had discussions about really being done having babies. Which, on one side, it makes me sad cause I'll never enjoy a normal healthy infant again (of my own anyway), but on the flip side, it's almost relieving to think about "being done" because I can't take this heart ache any longer. This makes 2 failure to thrive babies in a row. I was convincing myself that Tesh's issues were just a fluke and that this baby would be normal. Now I'm thinking maybe my body is trying to tell me something.
I can't even think straight on a spiritual level about all this, cause I could go in circles forever and then this post would be entirely too long. hm... free will.... God's will.... AHH!! anywho.
Last night was torture for me. I'm getting sinus sick, and I have extremely painful mastitis on top of it. My milk is low at the moment, so the supplements for Naomi are greater. I can't keep up with any of it. Thank GOD for husbands!! He's been such a trooper in all this. I was almost delirious last night because of all of it, feeling like I was going to die. Oxy moron: it was Good Friday. I even thought about it, in my misery, the way that Jesus must have felt and of course His situation was much worse than mine.
I found myself, this morning, reading some of my old posts on here about when Tesh was found failure to thrive and they put us in the hospital and the whole works. We're pretty sure there's nothing seriously wrong with Naomi so THANKFULLY we are still home because they did not do anything I can't do. I know the routine. Fortified calories formula.. and shove it all down their throat. I am bound and determined to get her fat! I've cried numerous tears over the possibilities that she may have to stop nursing, but reading my trails I left going through Tesh's issues with this, made me feel better. Her health is worth more than my need to nurse. Of course, I know breast milk is best.... yeah, but that's IF YOU HAVE IT!! That's where my problem lies. I can't even depend on Naomi nursing well enough to help me through the mastitis, so it's somewhat her fault too, I guess.
My nurse even had to ask me if I was ok. She noticed I wasn't being myself, and of course, one of her jobs is to watch me, as well as watch baby. I had to admit to her I wasn't ok. My emotions are hanging on Naomi's success. She's not doing well, and that depresses me. When she does well, I'll be ok. Of course, mind you, all this is amplified because of my history with losing Sarah, and dealing with Tesh's issues. And can't even talk about it without crying.
This Easter weekend has knocked me into a place of stopping. I have missed 2 services and probably will miss Sunday because of my being sick, and it's literally made me stop. Last night, especially, I couldn't even feed Naomi, I was so weak and in pain. Josh had to bottle feed her most of the night. I've definitely hit a bottom with all this. When I woke up, Tesh was cuddling with me, and couldn't help but look at her and think, "I didn't fail her. She IS here and healthy" Even Isaiah (my 7 yr. old) said to me, "It's ok Mom, for her to have formula. It's not like she's gonna die or anything." ..... oh dear.... leave it to him to say things like that.
It'll be interesting what the near future holds, but it better involve a fat baby.
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