Woes of an Irritable Uterus

My husbands alarm clock goes off, only slightly waking me enough to feel his body slowly reach over mine to shut it off. I sense him hovering over me to get out of bed. I roll over, breathing through yet another contraction, holding my 26 week along belly, thinking, "please. please. let this be a better day."

I fall back asleep.

I awake again to the sounds of little voices outside my bedroom, coming from the living room. My head is in a fog, but I managed to sit up, sliding my feet off the bed to the floor. I feel another contraction. It finally lets up for me to go to the bathroom and then waddle my way into the kitchen, passing the commotion of the very awake household of my 4 children. As I make eggs and oatmeal, I stand with a tightness, where there is no beginning and end, by belly is simply tight. My body aches from being hunched over most of the time, but it's the only way I can move around with all the tightness.

Breakfast is served and I finally am able to sit down to my own food. I breathe through more tightness. One by one collecting my pills for the day, (whether it be vitamins, supplements, or meds) I know I'm doing all this for the greater cause. A healthy baby.

The day goes slow as I sit and relax as much as I can, feeling guilty for making my 8 year old son take so much care of his one year old sister. I'm so proud of him, but I know that he is getting tired. My husband is getting tired. As I am getting tired.

Irritable Uterus. That diagnosis is so stressful, yet not detrimental. I know things could be worse. I could lose another baby. I could have the baby this early and she have huge health issues. But I know, as of now, a healthy baby sits inside me. Waiting, like me, for the day she arrives. The contractions tantalize me. They lie to me, nagging anxiety within me, forcing me to seek out the trust of Who is bigger than this. There is never a day that goes by that I don't have contractions, reminding me what I naturally worry about anyway. Truth is, these contractions make me a bigger risk of going into preterm labor. Is that a promised state? no. Truth is, because of a possible premature delivery, I could birth a premature unhealthy baby or worse, lose another baby. Is that a promise? no. Can these contractions send me into labor? they could.

Do I need to worry enough about them to do something? yes. But of course, truth is.. don't worry too much because after all, stress aggravates the contractions as well.

Where's my boundaries?

I didn't know this before yesterday, but there are online support groups out there for "irritable uterus'". It's THAT stressful and confusing and so much guess work, leaving every mother and medical professional playing russian roulette with what might work or what the outcome will be.

I'm tired. I'm trying. It makes me feel guilty that I can't do more as I sit and try to relax, trying to calm contractions that are never ending. Always nagging.

I'm so thankful for the husband I have and the kids I have. They make this whole experience at least tolerable. I was crying to my husband last night about all my anxiety over what's happening. I was complaining about how sick I was for so long in the beginning and then to turn around to these contractions that basically are putting me on a modified bedrest. He quickly proclaims, "You had a "good" month there." Yeah.. a good month.. of not as sick and not yet contracting like crazy. I guess I'll take it.

sorry. I'm just a little down with all this. Trying to live life, but taking this season slow because I simply can't do it right now. Prayer is always appreciated. For my contractions to calm, and my spirit to be lifted in this time.

I'm a lot earlier starting all these contractions than I've ever been with any of the pregnancies. So it's gonna take a small miracle to get me to 37 weeks. I'm starting to count down the weeks. I have 11 more weeks to get to safety for my home birth. I need to start self-talking, "I will make it."