36 Weeks, Prep For Home Birth, and Ignoring Numbers...

Notice the lovely wall art, the kids made for their little sister coming. You can see the name we've chosen. :)

This week has been difficult. I've been almost consistently waking up with headaches, which is slowing down my process for preparing for this homebirth.

I am thanking God, my King, for the fact that I've made it this far! I'm 36 weeks! Next week, it will be "GREEN LIGHT GO!" for labor at any given time.

Technically, I could go into labor now... however... that puts me in the hospital (too early for a safe homebirth) and possibly having a premature infant. (which terrifies me to no end)

So... needless to say.. I'm am trying to confidently walk with peace that I will make it to next week, at least, if not hoping for a miracle that I make it even further. :)

Meanwhile.... I have been slowly preparing for setting up for my home birth. My husband, (God bless that man!) has been running a muck for me, making sure I'm not doing too much to upset my body into labor, by doing most of the hard work of prep.

growing snack bag.. honey sticks, dark chocolate, fig newtons, so far!

The prep work is liberating in a way. I feel like a real parent, putting on my thinking cap, making sure I have supplies to take care of myself and my new baby... as well as making sure everyone else in the household is being taken care of. My midwife gave me "my list" of supplies to get for the homebirth, so we have collected it all and fit it nicely into our "Birth Bin". Then I put together a container with some initial postpartum items. We moved some furniture around to prepare a place for my "birthing trough". I'm collecting snacks and such for during labor. Collecting my newborn clothes and moving them in... one more time! (thank you cousin, for letting me borrow them back!) And then. of course... the never ending chore of keeping the house clean because... Kailan doesn't want to labor in a messy house. :)

Birth Bin! All sorts of supplies fitting into the bin. Chux pads, all pads, swim suit, clothes for me and baby for after birth, flash light, garbage bags, container for the unmentionable placenta... (oh.. I guess I said it, just then, didn't I?) the list goes on! I'm still working on the towels.  

Postpartum box. I'm not going to forget the IBProfen this time.. had to have my sister run and get it last minute last time. You live and you learn! 

My Birthing Pool space. Supplies for pool in bin shown. (it all came nicely together with the rental) Notice my lit garland hanging to set a nice calm mood for labor. I'm looking forward to that. The fish tank will be soothing as well, sitting right there. :) Isaiah and Eve are soo excited to be a part of this again. Tesh has told me she does not want the baby at all. And Naomi has started saying "baby" when she sees my bare belly. 

There is still things to get done, like putting plastic on the mattresses... (just in case), putting my scriptures up on the walls for my gaze to catch during labor, putting together the gift/goodie bags for the kids for waiting nicely during labor, and I need to wash a few more towels to collect at least 10 (as the midwife requested for water labor/birth). :) We plan on setting the pool up this weekend so it'll be ready for whenever I'll need it. (I will never ever ever labor without water ever again!)

Pregnant Status Update: I'm 36 weeks. I'm dilated to 2 and about 70% effaced. Midwife is guessing baby to be around 6 lbs now. She doesn't think I'll make it to my due date, but she remains optimistic about me making it, at least to next week.

I still have bouts of crazy contractions that make me worry and question whether or not I'll make it to term, but then I'll rest and go to sleep and wake in the morning, still pregnant, thanking God, and hoping I can stay calm. I keep trying to talk myself off an anxiety ledge of going into labor sooner than I want to. For as much as I've been tortured with this pregnancy, the whole time, I'm still not ready to labor and possibly deliver an infant that's going to have issues because of the earliness. My nerves of labor and delivery, in and of itself, are nerve-racking enough to me, then add the history with our baby drama... I just want this pregnancy to last as long as it can. I want to be able to get to a point where my prayer changes from "Please Lord, let me stay pregnant." to "Please Lord, get this baby out of me!".

Thank you for any prayers sent our way.

Hope, Chaos, and 35 Weeks!

I wanted to give an update on my pregnancy. I saw my midwife today and it went well.

I'm measuring right where I'm supposed to. I've gained almost 40 lbs now and I'm proud of every ounce of it :D  My midwife used her superpowers as she felt my belly and is guessing the baby to be at 5 lbs right now. I have 2 more weeks until I am deemed safe for home delivery and I am so excited I've come this far! I thank God for getting me this far and am trying my best to hold onto the hope that I will make it to term and that I'll birth a healthy thriving baby! The midwife gave me my list of things to collect in preparation for my home birth and all of it is giving me butterflies in my stomach! I checked with my birthing pool rental lady and she is going to delivery that to our house this weekend so I'll have it on time to labor in for whenever this little baby decides to show her beautiful face!

It all feels so surreal to me still. It's amazing the different emotions that come with an unexpected pregnancy. She kicks like crazy to let me know she's there, but it still is unbelievable that I'm going to be holding another daughter of mine, a fresh face, someone I've never met before that will belong to me, in possibly as little as a couple weeks! Hopefully a little longer than that, but I trust that God will open my womb as He deems the right time.

I'm still contracting all the time, but I still feel the difference being on the magnesium everyday. I will have moments where I'll be nervous about how close the contractions are, but again, I just try to convince myself that it's not time and lo and behold.. they subside farther apart.

Please be in prayer that I make it a couple more weeks at least, if not more and for my nerves and the family that surrounds me as they support me. I have an awesome husband, but we are all tired and are looking forward to all the chaos of "keeping Kailan laying low" to be over.

Rest for the Gentle Giant

Yesterday, I watched my best friend, my husband Josh, carry the casket that held one of his dearest friends from his younger years.

There was a time where they were inseparable, so I'm told. He and his friend Brian went to school and church together, they were neighbors, and spent a lot of time together. The stories that those boys have of the trouble they got into are now priceless memories, stored away in Josh's heart.

Brian went in for a heart surgery recently and the family expected him to bounce back as always, but he didn't. There was a complication, an infection, that left all of us watching him, and waiting, holding our breath for good news. Just when we thought things were looking up finally, is when Brian's body took the fatal plunge toward his death.

I knew Brian from school as well, he was my age. I met him first, in Jr. High, he was in my homeroom class and you couldn't miss this incredibly tall boy. I learned later that his Marfan syndrome was the reason for his abnormal tallness.(as well as the reason for him needing critical surgeries for his lungs and heart throughout his life) I never saw his syndrome get in the way of making friends easily though. He was the kindest boy. I had a rough start to Jr. High with an appendix surgery one week into school. Coming back, I had to wear weird looking comfortable clothes and I walked funny. It was embarrassing. But it didn't stop Brian from being one of the few, sweetest people to me, befriending me at such an awkward time in my life. We were in band together as well, something in which I was very involved in, and so was he. I have those memories of Brian.

For my husband, his memories went so much deeper. As I've been watching him grieve this loss, stories have been coming up about his relationship with him. Brian was probably the only one of his friends that actually challenged him when it came to Josh's "early preachings" of philosophy. Brian was always quick to encourage Josh to not believe all the things he hears from people's mouths, that he needs to do his own research. (and yes... these are Jr. High/Highschool boys debating these things :) ) Of course, the challenges annoyed Josh at the time, but as an adult, Josh saw the benefit of having a friend like that, making him think for himself, finding actual truth, especially for an aspiring pastor who desires to teach Truth. During the funeral yesterday, Josh was able to thank Brian for that as he spoke to everyone about his dear friend.

As I watched Josh's hand rest on the casket, my heart hurt so much for him. Josh took the bar on the side, along with 5 other gentlemen, and they slowly, ever so carefully, carried Brian's body to it's final resting place.

Watching Brian's family and his fiancee standing stiff with grief, not able to move, not wanting him to be gone still, I couldn't help myself but to have flashbacks of Brian, but also flashbacks of what it felt like losing my dad, my cousins, and my daughter. Their fear was real. Frightened of what life would be like without him. Frightened they may forget.

Truth is.. you don't forget. Grief is a life-long process... there is hope and sorrow in that because you don't ever forget them, with all it's joy and all it's pain. But better to have both than neither of them at all.

The pastor, at the burial ceremony, spoke of his moments in the hospital, searching for how to comfort the family when Brian passed. He said, "What kind of a pastor am I, when I don't have words to say?" That made me smile because in his humility, he revealed the very sweet nature of the Spirit moving him to say nothing. What kind of a pastor are you? A wonderful one, because there is nothing to say in those first moments. Simply being there and crying with them is so much more comforting than anything that can be said. They all know the Truth though.. we will see Brian again.

When Josh was speaking at the ceremony, he ended his time by saying, "No more surgeries or pain, no more Marfan, but he will always be the gentle giant he always was."

For Better AND Worse

It's amazing how those vows could be misleading... for better OR worse? Let's try saying better AND worse. Because every married couple knows... there are better times, and there are worse times... and we embrace both in order to truly fulfill our commitment to each other.

I adore my husband. I love him, maybe obsessively too much... however... that's not what makes marriage work. When marriage works, Love is exactly what it reflects, but it's how we get there is the real journey. It's commitment.

"I do."

Not "I'm gonna", not "I've done", "only if you are nice to me".... no... It's "I do".

That's an ongoing vow. " to do" is to presently, every moment "do" commitment.

It's because of this commitment that we love.

I've always known marriage to reflect God's relationship with us. He's been "committed" to us. In all our sin and ugliness and us throwing adult-sized tantrums... He's committed... period. Why? Because He loves us. In fact, He loved us first. How do we love Him back? By staying committed.

I asked Josh last night if I've been a bitch. (excuse my language) He smiled that nervous smile, with wholehearted honesty and with as much kindness as he could muster..
 "Yes, you've had your moments of acting like one."

"Ok. I know that, but has it been a general thing for me lately?" I pressed.

"Ever since [our last big trial with life] you've been different. I know you're irritated being on bedrest again and I understand that. But other bedrests have not been this hard for you. You are different this time and have been different." he responded.

I knew what he was talking about because I could feel the honesty of it in my bones. I am different. I hated it. Yes, I'm pregnant.. again... but my fuse is shorter, my mouth is looser, my tolerance is so much less, and I can't seem to shake this anger that creeps up with memories of painful things. I was really kinda hat'in on myself. Some recent things have happened that have reminded me of why I've been mad at certain people or certain situations. So needless to say, I'm reminded of it's ugliness and what living through it has done to me, changing me.... for the worse?

Then I wake up this morning to a couple encouraging messages from various people, reminding me how awesome I am.. haha... But really, it forced me to explore why they thought these things. Here I am, admitting I've been a bitch and people will encourage me on my attitude in supporting others the way I have. It's then I realized... because of [what happened] (I know.. the secrecy may be killing you but that's all I can give you publicly) I have changed... but not JUST for worse... but for the better too. Worse AND better.

My eyes are so much more open now. Open to seeing how people are treated, not just by anyone, but by the Church as well. How judgement has overcome Love when dealing with people. (not that I'm saying we shouldn't hold each other accountable, I'm talking about something different)  I'm more sensitive to what God's love really feels like, what it really looks like, and how it really ought to be shown by us, by the Church, by humanity. I've become frustrated with certain doctrine that unwittingly puts us in a box that we can't get out of... or a box that we can't get into.

Now, if I see a jerk, I may call them a jerk. Don't get me wrong, my spunk honesty has not left me, in fact it may be stronger. However... I'm able to take people for their own special circumstances and love them and support them where they are. Because I've learned their growth does not depend on me doing it for them. We're only called to Love and that means supporting people, caring for them, meeting needs, and letting God do the rest.

Needless to say, I need to work on my mouth and how I deal with anger and memories, but I am grateful that another veil has been lifted from my eyes.

For better AND worse, I am in this. I have made this commitment.

I wear His ring.