I'll Never Forget The Air

The reclining chair that I feel asleep in was so uncomfortable, I awoke trying to reposition myself so I could get back to sleep. Because of the unfamiliarity of the place, I was having a hard time getting back to sleep. I had forgotten where I was, and fear was creeping in at the thought of "this is where people die" I laid there for about 5 minutes, watching all my siblings sleep, listening to the clock's tick.

All of the sudden, the night nurse came into the living room, and went straight to the eldest of us,.... Angie. I watched her every move, trying to wake Angie up. I sat straight up, and asked, " What's wrong?" She replied, "It's time for you to go in there."
By that time, Angie had woken up, for the nurse to repeat herself in instructing her to wake everyone up, to go to the room.
I raced out of the living room, through an entrance way, and down the hall, leaving my sister behind me to wake everyone else up. My pace got slower as I approached the doorway. I noticed it was quiet, but I figured Dad's breathing got way slower, and that he was, in fact, going to die soon.

I entered the room to find Mom knelt on her knees beside the bed, with her head on Dad's shoulder. She was crying, silently.
My eyes met Dad's hand, that was not being held. I wanted him to know I was there. I went to hold his hand, gently, but quickly.
What I felt.......... I'll never forget. ...
His hand was ice cold-

I ripped my hand away, in a freight, not expecting him to feel that way. I was not stupid, I knew what that meant. He was gone........

I stood back, in shock with tears welling up in my eyes. My brothers and sisters made it to the room, hearing my mom crying a little louder now. It was like dominoes, as everyone came in, one by one, they fell in tears, realizing... he was gone...

I came to the other side of him, and sat down. My brother Noah was on the same side, crying. I'm not sure I had ever really seen either of my brother's tears like this. We all grabbed at each other, clinging to each other as we sobbed the greatest cry we had ever experienced. I grabbed Noah from behind, he hugged me back, and we cried together. I remember catching Angie's eyes, we both looked at each other being able to read the grief on eachother's faces.

After a while, there were various people coming in and out. Mom told us what happened. She said that the nurse was "doing rounds" and when she checked on Dad, he looked good and the same, comfortable. After she had checked on others, she came down his hall going back to her main station, she noticed the silence. It hadn't been but 10 or 15 min. since she saw him last. She evaluated him, seeing that he had indeed, died. She woke sleeping Mom up, to break the heart- crushing news of her husband. That's when she came into the living room, to wake Angie to get all of us.

I had realized then, that I must have woken up very close to the time of his death, not being able to get back to sleep. I remembered my feelings of wanting to be there when he died, but at the last minute, not wanting to witness it. But I also, didn't want to miss it either. It was complicated, but it all worked out in the way it was supposed to be.
I believe he wanted just Mom with him, but with her at a peaceful hour as well, for she WAS asleep. He wanted all of us kids near, but not to witness that last breath. And I got a little piece that I wanted,...... to not miss it... for I DID wake up, ... on my own... almost to the minute.

After crying for, what seemed like forever, my Uncle John Madison offered to take... us... home. That was an odd concept for me to be faced with. That it was over, and time to go home. All 5 of us kids packed into his car, with the top down:) I remember sitting in the back, in the middle, before we took off... feeling the air. It was moist, and slightly foggy. When you breathed it in, it felt like medicine for your lungs. My eyes and face hurt so bad from crying, but the coolness of that air soothed my face, like an angel was caressing my face with a cool heavenly cloth. It was healing, both my face and my heart, and started to soothe my soul.

We started driving off. In that car ride, there was a combination of crying, silence, and laughter. On the interstate, it was so foggy, and we saw, in the sky a ring of lights. It curiously frightened all of us as we were all gazing at this site. I think we looked at it for a good 2 whole minutes before we found out that it was a fancy street light. That got us chuckling at each other for awhile. And it started, ...... "if only Dad could've seen that one."

We arrived at our house..... the sun was just starting to rise, making it easier to see through the fog. I was looking at the house, thinking, "this is it..... this is what it feels like to be fatherless, coming home without him"

I breathed again.... that medicine air.... I'll never forget the air.