I have no pictures for you, for this moment. It is all in my memory..... those 2 weeks ..... those last 2 weeks in the hospital. School was in session, but I couldn't bring myself to be there. I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to be here... where he was..... soaking in every last minute I had with him.
There was a cot I slept on, and just outside of his room was a nice secluded waiting area with tables full of huge puzzles. (of course:) I remember my brothers and I putting together so many puzzles. That's how the time went by, as various family visited... coming to see Dad.
Dad did not look good. He was as pale and frail as anything I've ever seen. He had rings under his eyes. He had a lazy eye that came out whenever he was tired, but now, it was permanently half down his eye. He had so many tubes coming out of his body, but somehow managed to move, just a little. He had a tube coming out his nose that when to his stomach. He was not allowed to eat anything, but the nurses let him suck on life savers. We would watch the fluids coming out of his nose change colors to whatever he was sucking on. That was pretty neat, I guess.
The surgeon told us that he was full of tumors at this point, the oncologists said we could start another round of chemo, but it would only give him a little more time. That round was the round that he was warned against, by his late friend, who had passed away from the same thing. Dad looked at Mom, Mom looked at Dad. They knew that this was the end. That the fight was over, and that now all that mattered was keeping Dad comfortable so he could die peacefully. They called Hospice and requested a room for him at a Kavanagh House.
While still at the hospital, we waited...... we all sat talking, laughing, crying, whatever we felt. My Uncle Ed came by with a small slab of wet cement. We had Dad imprint his hand on there, so then when we got the new driveway put in, we could put his hand print in there somewhere.
Dad would sneak a sip of Diet Pepsi, (his favorite) just so he could once again, and maybe for the last time, taste something nice in his mouth. His health didn't matter so much anymore, just his pain. I remember his forehead was permanently crinkled because of his pain, but he was too weak to complain too much. The hospital could only do so much pain meds with him.
Have you ever watched someone breathe? Except your baby, have you ever watched someone breathe? Waiting to witness their chest never to rise again? I remember sitting their, right by his side, my eyes glued to his chest as he slept, going up..... going down..... ever so slowly... . then he would open his eyes enough to catch me staring at him, and he'd crack a smile. I remember in one of those last moments asking him, "Dad,..... who do want me to marry?" At the time, I had a boyfriend. He didn't treat me very well, didn't respect me, but I held onto him because I didn't want to be alone. I put up with him, cause I couldn't discern any better because I was so consumed in Dad. I asked Dad if he wanted me to marry that boy, and he answered....
"Kailan, " he put his hand on mine... " You have a good head on your shoulders... I trust that you"ll find the right person. I trust you..." I laid my head on his shoulder with tears in my eyes, as I held the freedom that he just gave me, clinging to his opinion of trusting me. My dad trusted me, that was a big deal in a lot of ways.
It was a day or two later, that the ambulance was ready to take him to that House. The House that he was to die in, the House that he (and we all) would finally have peace in..... well that is what we all hoped.
It was it, there was no looking back. We saw the final flame, but we somehow managed to keep walking forward, straight into it. We could feel the heat from it, but we picked up our shields of faith, and put on our war faces.
No comments:
Post a Comment