moment of imperfection

As I'm collecting my tears, it entered my mind to write about it, cause my wish for this blog is for people to see the realness of a grieving mother, and not some highly spiritual, always thinking right things even though I've lost a precious child. We are made to rise above these things, with every trial in our face. But just an hour ago, I had a break down.

Let me paint this picture for you, cause I know you mommies will relate....
         I haven't had much sleep the night before, waking very early at 5:30 am to my precious little bugger talking to herself, only to have to submit to getting up and feeding her at 6:30am. My 2 year old diva gets up and following her is my pistol 5 yr. old. All huddled on the couch, very early, and my husband kisses each and everyone of us, "Good bye" as he heads off to work........ on a Saturday......
By lunch time, I whip up something to eat for everyone, so we can get this show on the road to nap time. I put #4 down, she sleeps... I put #3 down, she sleeps....... I cuddle on the couch with #1 and eventually have to tell him to stop talking to me, so I can sleep. I've never been a good nap taker, but today I was really tired. So I finally feel myself nodding off, only to hear #4 waking early and talking to herself. I leave her, praying and hoping she goes back to sleep. Then #3 wakes nice and early, repeating over and over and over...... and over..... "I have to go potty, mommy." She's of course stuck in a crib, (which about now, I'm thinking we might get that toddler bed out.) so not until I've gone crazy inside my head, do I get the gumption to push myself off the couch, I lose my stability cause I was, after all, half asleep. Take her out of the crib, #4 starts to cry at this point, #1 is totally conked out on the couch, ....... I wish that was me.....
#3 so graciously wakes #1, who then starts to beg me to get "get them a snack" (if you want to see a pet peeve of mine, it's right there!) I snapped at him, telling him to wait, and not talk to me right then cause I'm trying to wake up. I've got #4 in my arms, and of course, she's smiling at me, but I'm boiling inside at this point. I'm so tired, I could've cried.
Hubby calls me to let me know he's coming home, but I know that means that I need to get ready to go cause we have outing plans with family. I'm still in my pj's, of course. This poor man says one innocent thing, and I break. I got mad at him, and I know he meant well, but it's like I couldn't help myself, I started crying all over the place, hung up on him (don't ever do that) and expected him to understand. Which I must say he was very gracious with me, knowing that something had to be off about me. In tears I told him, "I'm just tired!!! I wanted to take my nap and I couldn't!!"

ugh, my tears did not stop there. He offered to take the kids real quick to the store run, so I could have a minute alone, and then it hit me. I AM tired,...... but I'm feeling very very guilty. Why? because of #2. The one that's absent. The one that I'd rather have here on my tiredest of days, just so I can feel her again, and kiss her face. And I'm griping about the kids driving me crazy? What kind of mother am I? Of course, my sweet husband is telling me, "every good mom needs a break now and then." But for some reason, it wasn't setting well with me. I hated feeling this way. I never want to feel this way. I don't like needing breaks from my kids, I want to spend every moment with them, so I don't miss a thing. So if anything ever happens to them, I'll have all these memories to cherish cause I didn't miss a thing.

I had my cry out, and was left alone, and now I'm writing about it, to vent, to show that Kailan does bleed, but also .....
I want to say that in moments like these, it's when I'm humbled and shown how selfish I can be. I want to be able to say that I fixed my attitude right away, but most of the time, I don't. Sometimes I just have my bad days. The house is not clean, Josh is waiting in the van for me to get dressed so we can go, and I must work on my heart on the way to our destination. Life goes on, even when we just wish that time would stop. And, sometimes, that just sucks.....    (excuse my language)

Somehow in all this, He still loves me.... and thinks I'm precious..... precious Kailan, throwing her fit....